to keep yas posted....ummm im like a week (nearly - cant ever b bothered counting days unless im in wd) clean again
ive decided, along wiv my sweet P, that were gonna try using one point a fortnight (now u cant go wrong with that......as long as u stick to it!!!! were both pretty strong ppl and if we can see relapse is starting again we will both hav to face that life and meth dont work for us.....big deal, she gets me higher than meth anyway!
)
btw. some ppl hav hinted that they see me as 'overly-posting' about our relationship - i say to those ppl, just dont read my posts then cos im in luv....ive had a shit of a yr....and wen someone precious comes along and changes all that for me then its a big fucking kill to hav ppl criticising the fact i post about her a lot....those ppl know who they r
maybe they dont know it but over the past yr:
-ive bn gang-raped
-sexualy/physically/emotionally abused by the guy i thought i was gonna marry....oh and he turned out to b dealing from our house
-2 of my horses died (molly and her foal bollinger) and my best dog ever (ozzy)
-i developed complex PTSD
-i was found to b hep C positive....symptoms r just starting to show up now and theyre not nice!
-im going thru benzo wd....and evry time i drop even a mg of valium i hav seizures
-i was rediagnosed with borderline personality disorder (as my gf has too - NOT easy to live with.....basically a way of saying im uncomfortable in my own skin, cant b alone with myself, hate myself, etc etc)
-my dad (whose got bipolar 1/aspergers) keeps disowning me then taking me back....very confusing and like living on a razors edge
-i eventually got too sick to ride/even go out and look after my best horse maverick and i eventually ended up leasing him out for 3.5yrs minimum....to a gd home....but typical me i already feel like 'maybe he luvs bex (his new rider) more than me' (after all she lives on the property with him and can give him hugs OUT THE WINDOW!)
-then i found out my cousin had sold the pony he and i had half-shares in so he could fund his sons wood-chopping competition (for the easter show next yr)
-even having to give up being a mod cos i was too sick to b a gd mod and do my duties properly was really hard cos i like helping ppl and i cant work currently so having a 'job' of any kind meant a lot to me
this is emo-sounding yes - im not asking any of u to feel sorry for me....I HATE THAT - but wen i get ppl saying that i shud leave my feelings for keira in the blogs section only well that just hurts....cos keira is the best thing that happened to me (and shes the only reason i AM clean - and the only reason i didnt commit suicide wen i found out lance - my cuz - had sold cascade)
BPD makes u sensitive to the smallest thing - i cry over other ppls pain, let alone my own
ppl just hav to hav a go at my typing and.......ill cry then burn myself
i hate myself...but keira makes me feel worth loving
having her here right now cuddling me is why after i got a PM no one else wud (well ok maybe other borderlines wud) feel hurt by....and seeing a thread id made about us(well basically i talked bout us but ended with wanting to find out if any other BLers had met the same way thats why i didnt put it in here...i wanted to find out if there r any others who met thru BL.....[ARE THERE????? ID B INTERESTED TO KNOW!]) had bn closed
NB. i am not complaining bout the mods - god ive bn one, i know wat a job it is, but......it still hurt....i hope im allowed to express that - no hard feelings to the mod who closed it; they may not hav even realised i was asking if anyone else had met via BL, cos the other problem i hav is AD-fucking-HD, and it makes me go off on tangents - add that to yrs of crack use, and having a convo with me can at times b hard to follow, even on the net
anyway i gues i needed to let all that out....its not really recovery but to continue on recovery:
-after using i did hav cravings for more but i got thru it by sleeping it off and talking to my girl, then of course....she came up a couple of days later so.....yea
(yea ok i had meth sweat and i cud certainly feel its got more toxic to me since ive given up again!)
one problem with meth and going thru benzo taper is that a tiny tiny bit of meth affects me pretty strongly wen i hav no tolerance....like were talking a crystal will get me high lol
this is a gd thing but cud b a bad thing if i was to slam a whole point at once
keira makes sure i dont hav more than a point at a time - and i do the same with her, as much as we possibly can wen were in difrent cities
i think my DOC currently is KEIRA
ive decided, along wiv my sweet P, that were gonna try using one point a fortnight (now u cant go wrong with that......as long as u stick to it!!!! were both pretty strong ppl and if we can see relapse is starting again we will both hav to face that life and meth dont work for us.....big deal, she gets me higher than meth anyway!
)btw. some ppl hav hinted that they see me as 'overly-posting' about our relationship - i say to those ppl, just dont read my posts then cos im in luv....ive had a shit of a yr....and wen someone precious comes along and changes all that for me then its a big fucking kill to hav ppl criticising the fact i post about her a lot....those ppl know who they r
maybe they dont know it but over the past yr:
-ive bn gang-raped
-sexualy/physically/emotionally abused by the guy i thought i was gonna marry....oh and he turned out to b dealing from our house
-2 of my horses died (molly and her foal bollinger) and my best dog ever (ozzy)
-i developed complex PTSD
-i was found to b hep C positive....symptoms r just starting to show up now and theyre not nice!
-im going thru benzo wd....and evry time i drop even a mg of valium i hav seizures
-i was rediagnosed with borderline personality disorder (as my gf has too - NOT easy to live with.....basically a way of saying im uncomfortable in my own skin, cant b alone with myself, hate myself, etc etc)
-my dad (whose got bipolar 1/aspergers) keeps disowning me then taking me back....very confusing and like living on a razors edge
-i eventually got too sick to ride/even go out and look after my best horse maverick and i eventually ended up leasing him out for 3.5yrs minimum....to a gd home....but typical me i already feel like 'maybe he luvs bex (his new rider) more than me' (after all she lives on the property with him and can give him hugs OUT THE WINDOW!)
-then i found out my cousin had sold the pony he and i had half-shares in so he could fund his sons wood-chopping competition (for the easter show next yr)
-even having to give up being a mod cos i was too sick to b a gd mod and do my duties properly was really hard cos i like helping ppl and i cant work currently so having a 'job' of any kind meant a lot to me
this is emo-sounding yes - im not asking any of u to feel sorry for me....I HATE THAT - but wen i get ppl saying that i shud leave my feelings for keira in the blogs section only well that just hurts....cos keira is the best thing that happened to me (and shes the only reason i AM clean - and the only reason i didnt commit suicide wen i found out lance - my cuz - had sold cascade)
BPD makes u sensitive to the smallest thing - i cry over other ppls pain, let alone my own
ppl just hav to hav a go at my typing and.......ill cry then burn myself
i hate myself...but keira makes me feel worth loving
having her here right now cuddling me is why after i got a PM no one else wud (well ok maybe other borderlines wud) feel hurt by....and seeing a thread id made about us(well basically i talked bout us but ended with wanting to find out if any other BLers had met the same way thats why i didnt put it in here...i wanted to find out if there r any others who met thru BL.....[ARE THERE????? ID B INTERESTED TO KNOW!]) had bn closed
NB. i am not complaining bout the mods - god ive bn one, i know wat a job it is, but......it still hurt....i hope im allowed to express that - no hard feelings to the mod who closed it; they may not hav even realised i was asking if anyone else had met via BL, cos the other problem i hav is AD-fucking-HD, and it makes me go off on tangents - add that to yrs of crack use, and having a convo with me can at times b hard to follow, even on the net
anyway i gues i needed to let all that out....its not really recovery but to continue on recovery:
-after using i did hav cravings for more but i got thru it by sleeping it off and talking to my girl, then of course....she came up a couple of days later so.....yea
(yea ok i had meth sweat and i cud certainly feel its got more toxic to me since ive given up again!)
one problem with meth and going thru benzo taper is that a tiny tiny bit of meth affects me pretty strongly wen i hav no tolerance....like were talking a crystal will get me high lol
this is a gd thing but cud b a bad thing if i was to slam a whole point at once
keira makes sure i dont hav more than a point at a time - and i do the same with her, as much as we possibly can wen were in difrent cities
i think my DOC currently is KEIRA
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
) as its almost completely pure (here in NZ anyway) and water soluble......i fucked my veins with opiate use tbh
.....he was burning my hair, the bastard!) called 'Bruce Glass-Dickinson' and a fairly longer-than-average one with a deep bowl but IMO too big a shot hole ive dubbed 'Craxl Rose'