a virgin kiss

[wesmdow]

im not sure this poem is complete.. in fact, im mostly sure it isnt... although i do like what i have.

i am looking for critiques.. if it plain sucks, tell me



a virgin kiss

odor encroaches upon the view--
fragrant, mephitic.
a faint, aromatic glow,
fingers shrivelled and rank...
beckoning...

The nasals are overwhelmed
with a deafening fulmination of urge!
vociferous, insidious, foul.
ringing phone
answer?

the voice is sweet...
succulent, zesty temptation
melting down.. closer...
nectareous lips poised--
kiss?

with galling piquancy,
sulrty caress so encompassing--
not so bad, inside the fire.
comfortable, numb, hot.
lips are locked...

onerous on the way but...
dazzling, gleaming, lustrous--
shimmering through the fingertips
who would ever leave the furnace?
but.. the blue cool sneaks in, slowly at first...

it is too bad a kiss cannot last forever.

 

[RareForm]

The nasals are overwhelmed
with a deafening fulmination of urge!

this is actually some superbly written imagery. though i question the inclusion of the exclamation at the end of this line... it kind of offset the tone. also -- one little spelling mishap, "sultry". i would assume the exclamation would sound different if it were read aloud, in my eyes. but then again, this is just my personal assertion, heh. good stuff.