i can assured that Shulgin himself tooks more than 1 a season...one time even 1 per day for a week increasin the dose everytime. That is the way shulgin tried every new amphetamine he discovered..:S
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A Timeline for Recovery from MDMA - Two Years and Counting
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i can assured that Shulgin himself tooks more than 1 a season...one time even 1 per day for a week increasin the dose everytime. That is the way shulgin tried every new amphetamine he discovered..:S
futura2012
Bluelighter
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Yes sure Shulgin tries every new compound he discovers or synthesizes thats what most of his books are about but I have not personally ever seen any advice from Shulgin such as this:
If you are so sure please provide a source. I hear Shulgin quoted on here time and time again and can never ever see the source. Beleive me I have looked!!
Folley
Bluelighter
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Sure.
Well, at 14 years old, I was a retarded kid. Took my first ecstasy pill sometime in December of 2010 (holy shit.. has it really been that long?), a Purple Alien, a very high quality pill at the time. I knew nothing about the drug, only that I wanted more. At first I was only rolling every few months because I just couldn't find a reliable hook up, I got ripped off so much during this time it was crazy lol.
Eventually, after rolling a good 15 times already, I found a good hook up. He had great pills at first MDA Pink Buddhas, MDMA Lois Vuittons and this was back when Blue Dolphins actually contained MDMA. I was rolling every two weeks or so during this time, as I knew you needed to wait between doses for tolerance to go away. This lasted a while, before the quality of pills started declining rapidly. Soon most pills contained a mix of MDMA and meth, and I was taking them quite a bit more often. It soon became common place for me to do 4 pills every weekend, and if I could have afforded more I'm sure I would have bought more. Soon the pills got EVEN WORSE though, and they were almost entirely methamphetamine with a few good pills still around. Meth pills became the commonplace, and they were cheap as FUCK, so I kept taking them every week, finding myself soon in the midst of speed addiction, but without realizing it. Eventually though the pills got EVEN WORSE, and just went to straight piperazines and I had to stop rolling all together.
My last roll before the comedown was a rather high dosed pill with Methamphetamine and MDMA. I took three pills, and started looking for more on the comedown. I couldn't get any, so I dropped 4 hits of LSD instead.... needless to say that was a dumb as shit idea, and LSD on a meth + MDMA comedown is the worst thing you can possibly do. That really fucked with my head and started a month long comedown that I still haven't fully recovered from.
Don't abuse drugs kids..
Now I know what's wrong with me. I was able to go to school today. Didn't feel headache/buzzing/pulses or anything during the whole day. Returned back to my apartment and instantly everything started again. Watching computer screen with pupils that don't react to light = these symptoms.
Perhaps it's a sign I should clean up my apartment since I can't use computer... :D
Perhaps it's a sign I should clean up my apartment since I can't use computer... :D
Ok, just trying to be helpful in a harm reducting way ! Didn't know the interwebz was suddenly so keen on word-for-word quotes. I thought that's what books are for.
Erowid is obvious I think, it's just a general rule.
On to the Shulgin quotes: I can probably find weblinks to forums where the same statement is given, but that would hardly be a source.
I did find this however:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ariadne_(psychedelic) . Obviously not a real source as well, but the same idea is given here. Maybe it was not Shulgin who said the exact quote but it's not completely made up and there is some truth to it.
And this:
Quoted from this source, supposedly written by Shulgin, but of course no signature is found on the document... :
"The orally
effective dosage in man is about 1.5 mg/Kg"
Not word-for-word what I said, but I thought this site was meant to give eachother tips, not argue about word order or commas.
About the 0.5mg/kg redose: throughout PIHKAL, he repeatedly states giving "120mg and a 40mg redose at the 1h30 point" to people with no tolerance.
If 120mg was 1.5mg/kg then 40mg would be 0.5mg/kg.
Yes, he probably did take it more. But after his testing days were over, his rule to the general public was "not more than once a season". OK, to be truly honest, I think it was his wife Ann that said it in TIHKAL (I think in the chapter "The Incentive", but I'm not sure), but that's pretty much the same thing imo.
Also, if we're nitpicking anyway, nowhere is it made clear if it is Shulgin himself who used MDMA 7days in a row to determine tolerance. It could very well be one of his research buddies. But again, for me that would be the same thing.
Peace and Love, right ?
cryptix420
Bluelighter
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- Jul 25, 2010
- Messages
- 1,419
I am not calling into question your honesty in regards to said depression, but rather asking you take a look at things other than MDMA as the sole cause of your depression. Having a girlfriend does not make life awesome, in fact sometimes it is quite the opposite. Are you happy with the way things are going in your life right now?
Plus, the 3 months use of amphetamines and a strong opioid are not to be ignored. Real recovery from drugs takes around 6 months in my experience, much more if you eat toxic foods and lead a generally unhealthy lifestyle. The Earth has given us all we need to heal & be healthy, it's all about eating green foods, getting as much protein as you can from plant sources, and the rest from fish/turkey, take some fish oil/nootropics, and exercise. Exercise has been proven to stimulate the synthesis of brain derived neurotrophic factor, which helps your brain heal even faster. Then there are all the medicinal mushrooms, like Reishi (whole body tonifier) and Lion's Mane (stimulates synthesis of nerve growth factor)
I'm just sayin' man, a year out from MDMA, there's no reason to be suffering so badly if you take the right steps to make changes in your life, and subsequently your health.
cope
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 1, 2012
- Messages
- 113
...ok
8 months ago i took half a pill (mdma) followed by another quarter the next day which contained piperazines.
my usage was 1-2 times a month, a quarter to a half pill, rarely a whole pill.
the next morning after that quarter pipe pill i woke up with a headache from hell, had slight coordination problems. first i thought this would subside in a few days, but it didn't.
i realized my speech was slow, thinking was difficult, dizziness, libido was non existent and emotions were absent.
i got 2 panic attacks out of nowhere when i went to bed, and one the famous brain zaps (scary).
the headaches (tingling) didn't go away for about 4 months. woke up every morning feeling like i had partied all night though beeing sober since this started.
i got very worried and went to several doctors over the course of the 4 months - all test came back fine.
it got a little better after 5 months, but all the symptoms were still very present.
took many supplements like piracetam, alcar, fish oil... the usual, exercised almost everyday- no sign of improvement.
at month 6 i decided to take stablon (tianeptine), the first week felt very weird and still no improvement.
now at month 8 and 2 months on stablon it really gets better, though very slow. i have about 1,5 months supply left and am curious how i will feel when i stop it.
what helped was not thinking about it to much, i.e. lower the stress which it causes.
i will report how it plays out.
best luck to all of you and special thanks to FBC for your constant contribution !
on another note: i've read almost every thread on BL regarding MD-damage so i would be curious... somedud, bben, "thizzin since 98", carl0s and all the other long term comedown sufferers if you read this, how are things ?
its.euphoric
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2009
- Messages
- 552
this what you posted on another thread... it was such a good description of what this feels like, what this "feeling" is like, I loved, just wanted to thank you for it
-
Thizzin' - glad to see you again.
Sorry you are still feeling so empty.
I know what it is like to try and convince other people how bad it is, only to realize that words are inadequate.
How do you translate the malfunction of the endocrine system into English?
People can read the sentence, but they will never really comprehend how empty and unhuman it feels.
How every day that passes sees another part of your mind chewed away...like a cancer of the soul.
Who would have ever imagined that life could feel so GRAY?
I would say it is 'cold' too, except even that suggests too much sensation.
I could take off my clothes and lie down on the tile in a bank and feel NOTHING.
Well, at least that thought occured to me about two months ago...at my 10 month mark...standing in line at my bank.
I might be able to tell the tile was cold, but it wouldn't feel remarkable in any way. The cold just doesn't penetrate.
There would be no amusement, or embarrasment, by being seen naked on the floor either!
-
Anyways, my "heart".. or whatever type of feeling for another is left in me goes out to all that are suffering, it truly is the worst thing I have ever experienced, and the fact that NO ONE, except you guys seem to understand what this is even like... makes it that much harder. To have to suffer silently like this, and to even try to explain to someone this state of being, just makes no sense to people. I've had people tell me im crazy, or that I just need to see a counselor.... imagine having something that is so physically devastating and affects you so much and someone telling you it's all in your head. It's like telling a person that has cancer that they are just delusional.
I'm so over this life, im so sick of living like this. I went out tonight to a club, to try and have some fun, my sister wanted me to go, since she knows I haven't been out much. I had pretty much just stopped going out for the past few years because of this... simply because going out, just makes me think of how much I wish I was just normal and could be enjoying myself. It's just painful to be there surrounded by everyone that is having so much fun, and I just can't shake this feeling of wishing I could just.. be myself again.
Social interactions are so... awkward, I have no confidence, hugging feels so empty,
i try to get into the music and, it's like it just sounds like noise.
Then I come home now... and I was just thinking about you guys on here and I just wanted to read that part that you wrote... I don't know why, maybe because it totally illustrates how I feel, and maybe it's just nice to see that I'm not the only one that feels this way, but nice to read it nonetheless.
Ok i'm gonna stop bitching about this haha..
I still have hope, at least I understand what's going on now. An hpa axis dysfunction, but possibly amygdala trauma too that keeps the hpa axis in a state of stress... I will continue to look and try new things. For a while I thought it was soley an hpa axis problem but I think it also amygdala is also involved. I think the extreme stressful state affects the amygdala, and I think that this keeps the body in a state of anxiety, and trauma.
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Thizzin' - glad to see you again.
Sorry you are still feeling so empty.
I know what it is like to try and convince other people how bad it is, only to realize that words are inadequate.
How do you translate the malfunction of the endocrine system into English?
People can read the sentence, but they will never really comprehend how empty and unhuman it feels.
How every day that passes sees another part of your mind chewed away...like a cancer of the soul.
Who would have ever imagined that life could feel so GRAY?
I would say it is 'cold' too, except even that suggests too much sensation.
I could take off my clothes and lie down on the tile in a bank and feel NOTHING.
Well, at least that thought occured to me about two months ago...at my 10 month mark...standing in line at my bank.
I might be able to tell the tile was cold, but it wouldn't feel remarkable in any way. The cold just doesn't penetrate.
There would be no amusement, or embarrasment, by being seen naked on the floor either!
-
Anyways, my "heart".. or whatever type of feeling for another is left in me goes out to all that are suffering, it truly is the worst thing I have ever experienced, and the fact that NO ONE, except you guys seem to understand what this is even like... makes it that much harder. To have to suffer silently like this, and to even try to explain to someone this state of being, just makes no sense to people. I've had people tell me im crazy, or that I just need to see a counselor.... imagine having something that is so physically devastating and affects you so much and someone telling you it's all in your head. It's like telling a person that has cancer that they are just delusional.
I'm so over this life, im so sick of living like this. I went out tonight to a club, to try and have some fun, my sister wanted me to go, since she knows I haven't been out much. I had pretty much just stopped going out for the past few years because of this... simply because going out, just makes me think of how much I wish I was just normal and could be enjoying myself. It's just painful to be there surrounded by everyone that is having so much fun, and I just can't shake this feeling of wishing I could just.. be myself again.
Social interactions are so... awkward, I have no confidence, hugging feels so empty,
i try to get into the music and, it's like it just sounds like noise.
Then I come home now... and I was just thinking about you guys on here and I just wanted to read that part that you wrote... I don't know why, maybe because it totally illustrates how I feel, and maybe it's just nice to see that I'm not the only one that feels this way, but nice to read it nonetheless.
Ok i'm gonna stop bitching about this haha..
I still have hope, at least I understand what's going on now. An hpa axis dysfunction, but possibly amygdala trauma too that keeps the hpa axis in a state of stress... I will continue to look and try new things. For a while I thought it was soley an hpa axis problem but I think it also amygdala is also involved. I think the extreme stressful state affects the amygdala, and I think that this keeps the body in a state of anxiety, and trauma.
tantatanta
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 5, 2012
- Messages
- 10
How can you really be sure it was mdma causing all these trouble's, when most of you have taken other drugs as well? I've heard mdma is often cut with other substances. Maybe its the combinations that are causing the problems?
I would really like to hear an anecdote from someone who only used pure mdma and no other drugs. Not even alcohol or weed for that matter.
I would really like to hear an anecdote from someone who only used pure mdma and no other drugs. Not even alcohol or weed for that matter.
its.euphoric
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2009
- Messages
- 552
It has nothing to do with it being mdma, similar effects I've heard from people having a bad weed, or acid trip. It's the stress and the trauma that is caused that leaves lasting effects on the mind and body. The idea that something was "cut with something" and that is the reason you're experiencing these things is just silly.
I agree. I doubt whatever I took was MDMA but at this point it doesn't really matter.
On a positive note, I am really really feeling better. The derealization is almost completely gone. I cannot stress enough how much the BL community helped me through this. I will stick around to provide help.
Everyone else, keep your head up. Your brain and body want to recover. Stay healthy and positive.
On a positive note, I am really really feeling better. The derealization is almost completely gone. I cannot stress enough how much the BL community helped me through this. I will stick around to provide help.
Everyone else, keep your head up. Your brain and body want to recover. Stay healthy and positive.
F1n1shed
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2008
- Messages
- 2,296
First bad comedown ,good to see your still up. I don't really visit this place anymore and i haven't been keeping track of my last roll. But it's been a while, like a year or more. I can't even remember how it was like when i was at my worst moment, all i know is i felt disconnected from my body. I know i am not 100% better, but i am trying to achieve it. I want to have random moments of happiness through the day like i had when i was younger. I feel my self getting closer to it although i may have slowed my self down with the heroin usage i had this past year. All i know is the brain is amazing, even if it takes years we will all turn out alright.
Well, FBC already knows my whole story but I'll post it once more. I'd like to start by stating the likely fact that I'd never be in the position I've been in for the past 10 months if it were for MDMA alone. Therein lies one of the biggest dangers I perceive to go along with impure ecstasy, that being the naive combinations MDMA is sometimes used in. My personal experience arrived from the undaunted use of 5-htp along with MDMA. If you wish to only read about my recovery you can skip the lengthy two paragraphs below.
After rolling a couple times in close proximity, I continued to take a 5-htp supplement daily, unaware of the now all too familiar potential dangers. Within six hours of one day, the trajectory of my life changed, possible forever. It was a few days after my last roll, I had taken my daily dose of 5-htp and taken one mere bong hit. First, I noticed a sickening sensation in my legs, they twitched out of control. I actually had to grab them to make sure I wasn't having a seizure. I knew something was wrong at that very moment; I had the sudden urge to get up from my seat, yell and run around the room pulling my hair out. Before I continue, let me add that I was a veteran smoker at this point. I would smoke too many times a day to count, and never had one bad experience. Anyway, what came next was tension, the worse I've ever had in my life. My toes clenched and I felt as if they were on fire, that tension and heat slowly rose up my body. I soon ended up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, clenching all parts of my body that could be clenched so hard I thought my teeth would shatter and my phalanges would snap. My heart was beating so fast I didn't think my body could handle it. I literally had the irrational fear that my head was going to explode. I also had the occasional muscle spasm, afflicting random muscles in no particular order.
The next symptom to come was the pain in my gut, as it's been described before, it felt as if my intestines were tied in a knot and being pulled from both ends. I had to puke, and I had to shit, but my body was too tight for me to even think about moving it far enough to get to a bathroom. That's when the hallucinations started, auditory and visual. The walls began to sink and melt around me. My favorite song was playing in my head, it got faster and louder, and as it got faster and louder all the above symptoms got worse. I thought I had officially lost my mind, and that if I did not die right then and there, I'd be half brain dead for the rest of my life. It felt as if i was going through the worst trip imaginable. I decided to get up and go to my friends bathroom at this point. I made it there, I puked blood, I feel on the floor semi-conscious, and accepted my own death. I didn't die. I was taken to a hospital was treated for what I was told was something called serotonin syndrome and that I would be okay within 24 hours. 24 hours later the official "serotonin syndrome" was over, but I have yet to be the same.
Everyday for the past 10 months has been a struggle. The word "fried" leaps to mind. You know that mushy brain feeling you get after a heavy acid trip, I've been stuck right there. Just as I thought I was getting better, I got worse. Everyday since January is analogous for the past ten months. I've woken up completely miserable, feeling a type of depression I never have before. As the day goes on that depression turns to absolutely nothing, and I'm left completely emotionless. Towards the night, I feel better, almost like my old self. I go to sleep, wake up and start over. This isn't everyday, but it's a lot of them. The first couple of months were the worst. I would stay up for most of the night, thinking about where I went wrong, trying to find answers to the question of how to fix the situation I was in. I was absolutely neurotic about answers, I needed to read everyone's story, everyone's method of coping with MDMA toxicity, Their answers were still never enough. My head hurt for over a month, everyday, I started thinking I might actually have a brain tumor or something ridiculous like that. My head would fill up with pressure randomly, like when your gaining altitude in an airplane, but sometimes I wouldn't even be moving.
All that isn't that half of it. I feel like what happened to me opened a predisposition for a whole lot of psychological issues I never thought I'd have. Depression, detachment. anxiety, phobias, OCD, insomnia, what resembled PTSD, I even had some HTTP like symptoms for awhile. The anxiety I felt was unreal. I'm a college student, and when I was in classes my spring semester I'd get so overwhelmed I'd have to leave. My heart would pump and I'd get scared. Scared of what, I don't know, but I would get absolutely petrified and go splash water on my face and calm myself down in the bathroom. Because of this anxiety and depression I spend a whole semester sitting alone in my dorm room, hating everything and everyone, feeling like I knew nothing or no one as well as I once thought. I lost contact with friends, I forgot what friendships and social relations even were, I had no interest in them; it was disassociation at its finest. I lost sight of a lot of important things. Even today, I'm more introverted and introspective than I ever was, or would want to be. Being the talkative, driven, leader I once was is a challenge now that I don't really feel like stepping up to.
I know what a lot of people like my old self my be thinking. Maybe smoke a little weed? That may help you feel a little better. If only it were so simple. I can't handle any type of drug anymore. Weed brings me into an immediate flashback of SS; every symptoms comes back, just nearly as intense. Maybe at this point it is psychosomatic, but there seems to be no way to get over it. I've even smoked and tried to meditate right after, my heart was beating out of my chest for the two hours I sat on that hill top. Breathing exercises I've practiced for years couldn't help. I can't even drink a cup of coffee anymore without starting to twitch and clenching my first. I've tried taken Ritalin one time since the incident, I sat in my bed twitching and contemplating suicide for about 5 hours.
All I can do is try to live, and look back at the month of January and think I actually have made a lot of progress. Even if one day I wake up feeling like I did back then, I know I'm on the latter half of my recovery. I can eat now without feeling sick and anxious for the hours that follow. I can fall asleep and stay asleep for more than 3 or 4 hours. Back then the only thing keeping me from thinking suicide was a good idea, was the fact that I was simply too apathetic to ever go through with such a thing. Now, I look forward to the future. I've changed my life, I eat healthy, exercise, socialize more. I have a girlfriend now who I'm crazy for, she helps talk me through the windows of depression I still go through.
If your still reading, kudos. I could go back through what I just wrote and pretty much double the whole thing with droning detail, but I won't do that. I also won't say recovery is easy. Following the worst experience of my life has been the hardest 10 months I've ever lived. Although recovery isn't easy, and most certainly isn't fast, it happens. If your in my shoes, don't count days, don't even count weeks, count months, and you'll see things turning up. I'll never roll again, and I LOVED rolling, I may never smoke again, and I loved that shit too. But I know I'll live again, even if I don't feel like I am right now.
After rolling a couple times in close proximity, I continued to take a 5-htp supplement daily, unaware of the now all too familiar potential dangers. Within six hours of one day, the trajectory of my life changed, possible forever. It was a few days after my last roll, I had taken my daily dose of 5-htp and taken one mere bong hit. First, I noticed a sickening sensation in my legs, they twitched out of control. I actually had to grab them to make sure I wasn't having a seizure. I knew something was wrong at that very moment; I had the sudden urge to get up from my seat, yell and run around the room pulling my hair out. Before I continue, let me add that I was a veteran smoker at this point. I would smoke too many times a day to count, and never had one bad experience. Anyway, what came next was tension, the worse I've ever had in my life. My toes clenched and I felt as if they were on fire, that tension and heat slowly rose up my body. I soon ended up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, clenching all parts of my body that could be clenched so hard I thought my teeth would shatter and my phalanges would snap. My heart was beating so fast I didn't think my body could handle it. I literally had the irrational fear that my head was going to explode. I also had the occasional muscle spasm, afflicting random muscles in no particular order.
The next symptom to come was the pain in my gut, as it's been described before, it felt as if my intestines were tied in a knot and being pulled from both ends. I had to puke, and I had to shit, but my body was too tight for me to even think about moving it far enough to get to a bathroom. That's when the hallucinations started, auditory and visual. The walls began to sink and melt around me. My favorite song was playing in my head, it got faster and louder, and as it got faster and louder all the above symptoms got worse. I thought I had officially lost my mind, and that if I did not die right then and there, I'd be half brain dead for the rest of my life. It felt as if i was going through the worst trip imaginable. I decided to get up and go to my friends bathroom at this point. I made it there, I puked blood, I feel on the floor semi-conscious, and accepted my own death. I didn't die. I was taken to a hospital was treated for what I was told was something called serotonin syndrome and that I would be okay within 24 hours. 24 hours later the official "serotonin syndrome" was over, but I have yet to be the same.
Everyday for the past 10 months has been a struggle. The word "fried" leaps to mind. You know that mushy brain feeling you get after a heavy acid trip, I've been stuck right there. Just as I thought I was getting better, I got worse. Everyday since January is analogous for the past ten months. I've woken up completely miserable, feeling a type of depression I never have before. As the day goes on that depression turns to absolutely nothing, and I'm left completely emotionless. Towards the night, I feel better, almost like my old self. I go to sleep, wake up and start over. This isn't everyday, but it's a lot of them. The first couple of months were the worst. I would stay up for most of the night, thinking about where I went wrong, trying to find answers to the question of how to fix the situation I was in. I was absolutely neurotic about answers, I needed to read everyone's story, everyone's method of coping with MDMA toxicity, Their answers were still never enough. My head hurt for over a month, everyday, I started thinking I might actually have a brain tumor or something ridiculous like that. My head would fill up with pressure randomly, like when your gaining altitude in an airplane, but sometimes I wouldn't even be moving.
All that isn't that half of it. I feel like what happened to me opened a predisposition for a whole lot of psychological issues I never thought I'd have. Depression, detachment. anxiety, phobias, OCD, insomnia, what resembled PTSD, I even had some HTTP like symptoms for awhile. The anxiety I felt was unreal. I'm a college student, and when I was in classes my spring semester I'd get so overwhelmed I'd have to leave. My heart would pump and I'd get scared. Scared of what, I don't know, but I would get absolutely petrified and go splash water on my face and calm myself down in the bathroom. Because of this anxiety and depression I spend a whole semester sitting alone in my dorm room, hating everything and everyone, feeling like I knew nothing or no one as well as I once thought. I lost contact with friends, I forgot what friendships and social relations even were, I had no interest in them; it was disassociation at its finest. I lost sight of a lot of important things. Even today, I'm more introverted and introspective than I ever was, or would want to be. Being the talkative, driven, leader I once was is a challenge now that I don't really feel like stepping up to.
I know what a lot of people like my old self my be thinking. Maybe smoke a little weed? That may help you feel a little better. If only it were so simple. I can't handle any type of drug anymore. Weed brings me into an immediate flashback of SS; every symptoms comes back, just nearly as intense. Maybe at this point it is psychosomatic, but there seems to be no way to get over it. I've even smoked and tried to meditate right after, my heart was beating out of my chest for the two hours I sat on that hill top. Breathing exercises I've practiced for years couldn't help. I can't even drink a cup of coffee anymore without starting to twitch and clenching my first. I've tried taken Ritalin one time since the incident, I sat in my bed twitching and contemplating suicide for about 5 hours.
All I can do is try to live, and look back at the month of January and think I actually have made a lot of progress. Even if one day I wake up feeling like I did back then, I know I'm on the latter half of my recovery. I can eat now without feeling sick and anxious for the hours that follow. I can fall asleep and stay asleep for more than 3 or 4 hours. Back then the only thing keeping me from thinking suicide was a good idea, was the fact that I was simply too apathetic to ever go through with such a thing. Now, I look forward to the future. I've changed my life, I eat healthy, exercise, socialize more. I have a girlfriend now who I'm crazy for, she helps talk me through the windows of depression I still go through.
If your still reading, kudos. I could go back through what I just wrote and pretty much double the whole thing with droning detail, but I won't do that. I also won't say recovery is easy. Following the worst experience of my life has been the hardest 10 months I've ever lived. Although recovery isn't easy, and most certainly isn't fast, it happens. If your in my shoes, don't count days, don't even count weeks, count months, and you'll see things turning up. I'll never roll again, and I LOVED rolling, I may never smoke again, and I loved that shit too. But I know I'll live again, even if I don't feel like I am right now.
Sorry for the length of that post, but there was no way to answer FBC's request without all that.
And there's one small detail I'd like to add. For the months immediately following my SS experience, I had these wildly vivid dreams every night. Yes, I took melatonin occasionally, but even before I started taking it, and even without taking it. I would have dreams more intense than I thought my mind would be capable of producing. I don't why or how, I'd leave the neurological/physiological explanation for that up to FBC.
And there's one small detail I'd like to add. For the months immediately following my SS experience, I had these wildly vivid dreams every night. Yes, I took melatonin occasionally, but even before I started taking it, and even without taking it. I would have dreams more intense than I thought my mind would be capable of producing. I don't why or how, I'd leave the neurological/physiological explanation for that up to FBC.
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futura2012
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 28, 2012
- Messages
- 1,371
^^ Thats an amazing story and has certainly made me reconsider my thoughts on 5HTP!
I am still in recovery myself been so now for 13 months just waiting to be in the right frame of mind to write my story
Thanks so much for putting the time in to write that very interesting and shocking read.
Thanks for the link Achten I wasnt trying to argue with you. That link is really useful many thanks
I am still in recovery myself been so now for 13 months just waiting to be in the right frame of mind to write my story
Thanks so much for putting the time in to write that
very interesting and shocking read.Thanks for the link Achten I wasnt trying to argue with you. That link is really useful many thanks
F1n1shed
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2008
- Messages
- 2,296
Dude gooballs a lot of that resembles me. Especially the weed triggering unbelievable anxiety yet i'd still smoke, i didn't want to give up weed no matter what. I would also look up psychological disorders every day and diagnose my self with a new one each day. Because seriously all of the symptoms fit me, I can't believe i went through all that pain and misery. When i think back to it which i do often i feel sorry for my self. No person should go through MDMA toxicity, anything and everything good from your life is sucked out of you. You wake up in a nightmare every single day. It doesn't even feel like your in control of your body. You have to actually think critically and act when talking to people, conversation does not come natural at all. Uhg i don't even want to think of this anymore.
will write my story soon but i don't have the time at the moment,
F1n1shed i totally relate to what your saying, i noticed the symptom of not being in control a few months ago. i feel like i have to really concentrate if i want to say the things myself (hard to explain), the words seem to come out my mouth without me even thinking about it , also i don't even feel in control of my eyes, i seem to just go in to autopilot mode and it does it for me with my thoughts behind them just thinking about everything. I never really seem to be concentrating on what im doing, i always am having thoughts about my problems that im having with the recovery. it is really frustrating...
i try to control myself but it never works, i just seem to do everything without me doing anything, it really feels like everything has been sucked out of me, but i will share my story soon haha .
This last 6 months has been the worst of my life so far to say the least.
F1n1shed i totally relate to what your saying, i noticed the symptom of not being in control a few months ago. i feel like i have to really concentrate if i want to say the things myself (hard to explain), the words seem to come out my mouth without me even thinking about it , also i don't even feel in control of my eyes, i seem to just go in to autopilot mode and it does it for me with my thoughts behind them just thinking about everything. I never really seem to be concentrating on what im doing, i always am having thoughts about my problems that im having with the recovery. it is really frustrating...
i try to control myself but it never works, i just seem to do everything without me doing anything, it really feels like everything has been sucked out of me, but i will share my story soon haha .
This last 6 months has been the worst of my life so far to say the least.
pancakepirate
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2012
- Messages
- 57
Wow, awesome thread! I'll try to share my experiences as succinctly as possible, but it'll still probably be long-winded. I apologize in advance. I really enjoyed reading everyone's posts and would like to contribute my story.
*I did not expect this to be as long as it was. TL;DR. I got sucked into it because it's really cathartic to divulge this story in such explicit detail. I'll put some bullet points after the end of the demarcated area if you wanna skip this verbose and probably poorly-structured mess of a post. Honestly, I got so much out of this just from writing it.
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Prior to any drug use, I had been diagnosed with chronic depression and severe anxiety, including panic attacks. I was even on medication before the age of 10. Both sides of my family are rife with similar mental disorders as well as addiction. Interestingly enough, my dad was a heavy user of stimulants, particularly MDMA. He even was a partial owner of a very popular nightclub in the Dallas area when the ecstasy/rave scene was really starting to gain traction in the 80's.
I started taking MDMA in the form of tablets at the age of 16 (not medicated at this point). My comedowns would be pretty rough, but they were bearable. And oh how I loved rolling. I remember how acute my mental craving for the ecstasy high was, and I continued to do it throughout high school for another 15-20 times with a relatively decent amount of time between each roll. The only reason I didn't use it more was because there was a huge bust in our area, and there was a time when most product being sold was either bunk or super hard to come by, even at clubs. Not to digress, but the scarcity of tabs is what actually led to my using meth (I had only taken Rx amphetamines before and loved them, so my meth use was a sufficient distraction from rolling).
In mid 2008, I went through a period where I was rolling very frequently with very little time separating uses. I was young and reckless, so I didn't take any sort of precautions when it came to ecstasy because I was more concerned with getting the high than being safe. My heaviest use was over a three month period where I was taking anywhere from 2-10 tabs at least four times a week. At this point in my life, I didn't have a job and wasn't going to school, so I would find myself popping tabs right when I woke up. No other substance was an adequate replacement. Alcohol has been my most consistent DOC, but I'd get drunk and immediately go on the hunt for tabs if they weren't immediately available.
As is to be expected with frequent use, ecstasy was beginning to lose its magic and my comedowns were getting worse. I was prescribed an SSRI before I really started going on my binge, but I obviously wasn't taking them because they interfere with the effects of ecstasy. My comedowns were so profoundly dark. I'd close my eyes and see incredibly disturbing visuals. I was also having auditory and visual hallucinations induced primarily by lack of sleep, but I know constantly depleting my brain of chemicals and not allowing for their restoration wasn't helping my situation. I was still rolling a lot, but I cut back use to one or two times a week (still high dosages, but I can't be specific) so I could roll harder. Heh, I thought I was actually using self-restraint. I was also using 5-htp and taking my remaining anti-depressants when I could between uses. I would take my medication on a regimen so that I would have at least 3 days off of my meds before taking ecstasy, and I was still rolling, so I continued doing this until I ran out of medication. But I wasn't seeing a doctor, and my script was out, so I was on a limited supply. I was also drinking heavily and doing lots of benzos during this period as well.
December 2008
Then I had THE comedown. I was in a relationship at the time, and she was also rolling as frequently as I was. One night, we both had the worst comedowns of our lives. I'm sure there are nuanced differences between what we experienced, but I don't think they were that different. We are still friends to this day, and whenever we think of that comedown, we both can vividly recall in great detail how horrible it was. I knew this time was different, but I still expected it to last maybe a week and half tops before I started feeling better. After the first full day after the onset of the comedown, my then-gf was so depressed and suicidal that she checked herself into a psychiatric ward. I did not have the ability to do the same for myself at the time, otherwise I'd have done the same. After the first week, my depression was worsening. I'm sure my situation -- especially the fact that my gf had left (we had been living together for almost 8 months) made this even more painful. I was so in love with her at the time, and her absence only exacerbated my despondency. I started attending AA meetings at this point because benzos and alcohol weren't doing anything to mitigate the symptoms. I would find myself crying sporadically without any reason, and I was pale and listless. I felt braindead. I couldn't think clearly, and I hardly ever spoke because I'd find that most of what I'd be saying what incoherent and jumbled -- almost like my mouth couldn't synchronize with the words I was holding in my brain.
Week 2 and I'm still not feeling any better and am growing increasingly more discouraged. Suicide had been something I had entertained previously before ever even taking MDMA, and now it was sounding more and more appealing by the second. I was also growing frustrated with considerable drop in mental acuity. I was really beginning to think I had done some serious, irreparable damage to my brain. By the latter half of the 30 days since the comedown, I get in contact with my doctor so I can get back on anti-depressants. I was abstaining from all alcohol and drugs (except caffeine and nicotine) at this point, so the meds started really helping within the week once I got on them. I was sober for almost 8 months after I had the comedown and was consistent with my medication.
June/July 2009
Then I started drinking again, then I gradually started using other drugs, but I avoided ecstasy like the plague. My depression was beginning to creep back because the alcohol and benzos (and occasional coke binge) were pretty much negating my meds. My relationship was also falling apart and even my friends who also use alcohol and drugs excessively became concerned with how much I was drinking. October 31st of 2009 was the eve of my suicide attempt. I tried slamming my car into a wall, and much to my dismay at the time, I woke up with only a minor fracture in my back. Pretty amazing in retrospect how the hell I came out of that pretty much unscathed.
Nov 2009-Jan 2010
Anyway, I was put in a psych ward after my stay in the ER. I was put on high doses of pain medication because of my injury. Opiates had never been my thing, but I had done heroin once and had maybe taken some dones a handful of times, but that's about it. I was so sick and groggy from the meds for the first week, and I was puking a lot. The only thing I could do was get up when it was time for a re-dose, and then I'd have to go straight back to my bed because the intensity of the nausea. The head doc at the psychiatric facility also put me on Cymbalta (an SSRNI) and Abilify, as well as a muscle relaxer and Trazodone. I began to actually enjoy the high of the opiates, so my stay at the unit wasn't too bad. I thought I was feeling better, but it was really just pain meds. They took me off of them as soon as I was released because they knew I was also in for chemical dependency. I get back, and even with my meds, my depression was still just as bed and I was still suicidal. At this point I start restricting my food and using laxatives because I got obsessed with losing weight. It was the only thing that motivated me to continue to exist, but I wasn't nourishing myself. Depression is getting worse, and I'm just as suicidal. I start taking amphetamines to suppress my appetite and give me some energy. I'd be intensely euphoric on them, but I was crashing hard. I couldn't get out of bed on the days I didn't take them. Started doing coke again at this point, further worsening my depression. I'm shipped off to treatment again (had been to a couple of places before then, as well as a sober living home).
Jan-March 2010
Back in treatment, back on meds, and though my depression was still very much present, it wasn't as bad. Even when sober, I still noticed that I wasn't as sharp as I used to be, and I really think it the E binge is the main reason. I also notice that I've had a very light stammer since then as well, still present but not worsening. Started drinking again within the first month (this place was an extended living program where I could go to a local community college, so relapsing was super easy because it was located in a popular drinking/party spot in Southern Cali). Still active in my eating disorder and still have the intention of killing myself imminently. My dad is refusing to pay for anymore treatment. Luckily I had some awesome people in the area who really helped me out.
Remained in Cali up until the end of May of 2012. I was in a relationship (not same aforementioned girl) and living with her at the time and was abusing Rx amphetamines heavily. I rolled one time on two tabs in October of 2011, and the subsequent comedown was the first time I had felt suicidal again in a few months. It also lasted for 3-4 days before I began feeling better. Not using meds at this point in time.
Since then, I've rolled several times with crystal/powder. Over this last summer, I took maybe 7 or 8 150 mg capsules over the course of 2 days, and my body was having involuntary spasms by the morning after the second night. Mental comedown wasn't too bad, but I think it was cut with something weird. The people who were with me on that roll were not my close friends. In fact, I'm so embarrassed about the state I was in on that second night that I would never show my face around them again. I won't make this any longer than it already is, but I had never had a *physical* reaction to a roll like that before, even though I had taken higher dosages in a shorter amount of time. I stupidly rolled again in October despite my previous roll actually scaring me, but it was from a different source whose product was very reliable and pure. No comedown besides minor fatigue and lethargy. Was just at a three day EDM festival over NYE and rolled every night. Still not feeling too bad right now, but I'm pretty sure I don't wanna do any MDMA again. I had a good time, but I know myself and where I'll end up if I continue, and rolling really isn't the same for me anymore. Fun, but it's lost its magic. I wanna end it on a moderately positive note. I had some great times with MDMA, but I cannot adequately articulate just how dark it was for me during my comedown of comedowns. Definitely the worst thing I've ever experienced.
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Some things that were developed or worsened after my first binge that are still presently affecting me:
-*Depression (pre-existing before drug use) not currently medicated, but I very rarely have fleeting thoughts of suicide and it's not as relentless as it used to be. I usually only feel down after not using alcohol, benzos, or amphetamines, which are the only things I've been using consistently other than shrooms).
-Light stammer/Saying words in sentences out of order; Diminished articulation
-Decrease in alertness and cognition
-Short-term memory loss
-Declining ability to concentrate
-Increased anxiety (pre-existing)
Please keep in mind that I know that my continued use of other substances is just as culpable in the current presence of the conditions I've listed. I have not allowed myself a full year of recovery (abstaining from hard drugs and alcohol) since my binge in 2008, but I noticed the onset of these things immediately after my worst comedown.
Anyway, I'm ready to quit using alcohol and drugs altogether. While I've been fortunate that my depression isn't nearly as bad as it was in 2008-2009, I don't want to further corrode my comprehension abilities (or lack there of) or risk catapulting myself into another seemingly inextricable cycle of depression. I know I've done damage to my brain, not just with E. But I personally believe that my abuse of MDMA was more detrimental to my mental health than my abuse of any other substance.
*I did not expect this to be as long as it was. TL;DR. I got sucked into it because it's really cathartic to divulge this story in such explicit detail. I'll put some bullet points after the end of the demarcated area if you wanna skip this verbose and probably poorly-structured mess of a post.
Honestly, I got so much out of this just from writing it.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prior to any drug use, I had been diagnosed with chronic depression and severe anxiety, including panic attacks. I was even on medication before the age of 10. Both sides of my family are rife with similar mental disorders as well as addiction. Interestingly enough, my dad was a heavy user of stimulants, particularly MDMA. He even was a partial owner of a very popular nightclub in the Dallas area when the ecstasy/rave scene was really starting to gain traction in the 80's.
I started taking MDMA in the form of tablets at the age of 16 (not medicated at this point). My comedowns would be pretty rough, but they were bearable. And oh how I loved rolling. I remember how acute my mental craving for the ecstasy high was, and I continued to do it throughout high school for another 15-20 times with a relatively decent amount of time between each roll. The only reason I didn't use it more was because there was a huge bust in our area, and there was a time when most product being sold was either bunk or super hard to come by, even at clubs. Not to digress, but the scarcity of tabs is what actually led to my using meth (I had only taken Rx amphetamines before and loved them, so my meth use was a sufficient distraction from rolling).
In mid 2008, I went through a period where I was rolling very frequently with very little time separating uses. I was young and reckless, so I didn't take any sort of precautions when it came to ecstasy because I was more concerned with getting the high than being safe. My heaviest use was over a three month period where I was taking anywhere from 2-10 tabs at least four times a week. At this point in my life, I didn't have a job and wasn't going to school, so I would find myself popping tabs right when I woke up. No other substance was an adequate replacement. Alcohol has been my most consistent DOC, but I'd get drunk and immediately go on the hunt for tabs if they weren't immediately available.
As is to be expected with frequent use, ecstasy was beginning to lose its magic and my comedowns were getting worse. I was prescribed an SSRI before I really started going on my binge, but I obviously wasn't taking them because they interfere with the effects of ecstasy. My comedowns were so profoundly dark. I'd close my eyes and see incredibly disturbing visuals. I was also having auditory and visual hallucinations induced primarily by lack of sleep, but I know constantly depleting my brain of chemicals and not allowing for their restoration wasn't helping my situation. I was still rolling a lot, but I cut back use to one or two times a week (still high dosages, but I can't be specific) so I could roll harder. Heh, I thought I was actually using self-restraint. I was also using 5-htp and taking my remaining anti-depressants when I could between uses. I would take my medication on a regimen so that I would have at least 3 days off of my meds before taking ecstasy, and I was still rolling, so I continued doing this until I ran out of medication. But I wasn't seeing a doctor, and my script was out, so I was on a limited supply. I was also drinking heavily and doing lots of benzos during this period as well.
December 2008
Then I had THE comedown. I was in a relationship at the time, and she was also rolling as frequently as I was. One night, we both had the worst comedowns of our lives. I'm sure there are nuanced differences between what we experienced, but I don't think they were that different. We are still friends to this day, and whenever we think of that comedown, we both can vividly recall in great detail how horrible it was. I knew this time was different, but I still expected it to last maybe a week and half tops before I started feeling better. After the first full day after the onset of the comedown, my then-gf was so depressed and suicidal that she checked herself into a psychiatric ward. I did not have the ability to do the same for myself at the time, otherwise I'd have done the same. After the first week, my depression was worsening. I'm sure my situation -- especially the fact that my gf had left (we had been living together for almost 8 months) made this even more painful. I was so in love with her at the time, and her absence only exacerbated my despondency. I started attending AA meetings at this point because benzos and alcohol weren't doing anything to mitigate the symptoms. I would find myself crying sporadically without any reason, and I was pale and listless. I felt braindead. I couldn't think clearly, and I hardly ever spoke because I'd find that most of what I'd be saying what incoherent and jumbled -- almost like my mouth couldn't synchronize with the words I was holding in my brain.
Week 2 and I'm still not feeling any better and am growing increasingly more discouraged. Suicide had been something I had entertained previously before ever even taking MDMA, and now it was sounding more and more appealing by the second. I was also growing frustrated with considerable drop in mental acuity. I was really beginning to think I had done some serious, irreparable damage to my brain. By the latter half of the 30 days since the comedown, I get in contact with my doctor so I can get back on anti-depressants. I was abstaining from all alcohol and drugs (except caffeine and nicotine) at this point, so the meds started really helping within the week once I got on them. I was sober for almost 8 months after I had the comedown and was consistent with my medication.
June/July 2009
Then I started drinking again, then I gradually started using other drugs, but I avoided ecstasy like the plague. My depression was beginning to creep back because the alcohol and benzos (and occasional coke binge) were pretty much negating my meds. My relationship was also falling apart and even my friends who also use alcohol and drugs excessively became concerned with how much I was drinking. October 31st of 2009 was the eve of my suicide attempt. I tried slamming my car into a wall, and much to my dismay at the time, I woke up with only a minor fracture in my back. Pretty amazing in retrospect how the hell I came out of that pretty much unscathed.
Nov 2009-Jan 2010
Anyway, I was put in a psych ward after my stay in the ER. I was put on high doses of pain medication because of my injury. Opiates had never been my thing, but I had done heroin once and had maybe taken some dones a handful of times, but that's about it. I was so sick and groggy from the meds for the first week, and I was puking a lot. The only thing I could do was get up when it was time for a re-dose, and then I'd have to go straight back to my bed because the intensity of the nausea. The head doc at the psychiatric facility also put me on Cymbalta (an SSRNI) and Abilify, as well as a muscle relaxer and Trazodone. I began to actually enjoy the high of the opiates, so my stay at the unit wasn't too bad. I thought I was feeling better, but it was really just pain meds. They took me off of them as soon as I was released because they knew I was also in for chemical dependency. I get back, and even with my meds, my depression was still just as bed and I was still suicidal. At this point I start restricting my food and using laxatives because I got obsessed with losing weight. It was the only thing that motivated me to continue to exist, but I wasn't nourishing myself. Depression is getting worse, and I'm just as suicidal. I start taking amphetamines to suppress my appetite and give me some energy. I'd be intensely euphoric on them, but I was crashing hard. I couldn't get out of bed on the days I didn't take them. Started doing coke again at this point, further worsening my depression. I'm shipped off to treatment again (had been to a couple of places before then, as well as a sober living home).
Jan-March 2010
Back in treatment, back on meds, and though my depression was still very much present, it wasn't as bad. Even when sober, I still noticed that I wasn't as sharp as I used to be, and I really think it the E binge is the main reason. I also notice that I've had a very light stammer since then as well, still present but not worsening. Started drinking again within the first month (this place was an extended living program where I could go to a local community college, so relapsing was super easy because it was located in a popular drinking/party spot in Southern Cali). Still active in my eating disorder and still have the intention of killing myself imminently. My dad is refusing to pay for anymore treatment. Luckily I had some awesome people in the area who really helped me out.
Remained in Cali up until the end of May of 2012. I was in a relationship (not same aforementioned girl) and living with her at the time and was abusing Rx amphetamines heavily. I rolled one time on two tabs in October of 2011, and the subsequent comedown was the first time I had felt suicidal again in a few months. It also lasted for 3-4 days before I began feeling better. Not using meds at this point in time.
Since then, I've rolled several times with crystal/powder. Over this last summer, I took maybe 7 or 8 150 mg capsules over the course of 2 days, and my body was having involuntary spasms by the morning after the second night. Mental comedown wasn't too bad, but I think it was cut with something weird. The people who were with me on that roll were not my close friends. In fact, I'm so embarrassed about the state I was in on that second night that I would never show my face around them again. I won't make this any longer than it already is, but I had never had a *physical* reaction to a roll like that before, even though I had taken higher dosages in a shorter amount of time. I stupidly rolled again in October despite my previous roll actually scaring me, but it was from a different source whose product was very reliable and pure. No comedown besides minor fatigue and lethargy. Was just at a three day EDM festival over NYE and rolled every night. Still not feeling too bad right now, but I'm pretty sure I don't wanna do any MDMA again. I had a good time, but I know myself and where I'll end up if I continue, and rolling really isn't the same for me anymore. Fun, but it's lost its magic. I wanna end it on a moderately positive note. I had some great times with MDMA, but I cannot adequately articulate just how dark it was for me during my comedown of comedowns. Definitely the worst thing I've ever experienced.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some things that were developed or worsened after my first binge that are still presently affecting me:
-*Depression (pre-existing before drug use) not currently medicated, but I very rarely have fleeting thoughts of suicide and it's not as relentless as it used to be. I usually only feel down after not using alcohol, benzos, or amphetamines, which are the only things I've been using consistently other than shrooms).
-Light stammer/Saying words in sentences out of order; Diminished articulation
-Decrease in alertness and cognition
-Short-term memory loss
-Declining ability to concentrate
-Increased anxiety (pre-existing)
Please keep in mind that I know that my continued use of other substances is just as culpable in the current presence of the conditions I've listed. I have not allowed myself a full year of recovery (abstaining from hard drugs and alcohol) since my binge in 2008, but I noticed the onset of these things immediately after my worst comedown.
Anyway, I'm ready to quit using alcohol and drugs altogether. While I've been fortunate that my depression isn't nearly as bad as it was in 2008-2009, I don't want to further corrode my comprehension abilities (or lack there of) or risk catapulting myself into another seemingly inextricable cycle of depression. I know I've done damage to my brain, not just with E. But I personally believe that my abuse of MDMA was more detrimental to my mental health than my abuse of any other substance.
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Here is a story that may inspire some of you to stay away from drugs entirely because of the fact that all mind altering substances are dangerous.
i was a young boy who was very naive and ended up making many friends in middle school. later on in my life these kids became potheads and later on drug abusers. i continued to hang out with these kids because i didnt really have any other friends. anyways one day im 14 years old and my friend asks me if i wanted to smoke. i was curious to find out what being high was like so i told him yes i would like to. we smoked a bowl of marijuana it was mid-grade so it wasnt that big of a deal. but soon i would find out i would become an addict. the next day i go to the same park to skateboard with the same person and with 2 other people. the friend of mine says ok were going to go smoke. so i go with him and smoke again from this point on i started smoking mid-grade marijuana with my so called friends whenever i got the chance. eventually there was no more mid-grade marijuana available for us to smoke so we start smoking dank. by the time i became 16 i started selling marijuana. and one day my dealer offers me ecstacy. i very stupidly felt sucked into it and ended up buying 2 hits and taking them both all at once. i was very messed up and i smoked some marijuana and cigarettes along with it. so i continue selling marijuana telling my friends about how i did ex and thought i was cool. and eventually by the time im 17 this kid buys 4.0 grams of pure mdma from some website and starts selling it to people. he shows up at my house one day and since i had an addictive personality i began self administering these drugs whenever they were proposed to me. so i take about 80mg to 100 mg of molly or MDMA(pure) crystal form. and i liked it a lot at the time. long story short i took it 2 more times in a spread amount of times at least a month in a half apart after that and each time i smoked pot along with it. i also ended up trying 2ci which is a designer drug sort of like LSD but is amphetamine-based(i believe) so anyways after all that i decided to quit those drugs even though i was still smoking pot everyday and selling it. by the time was 18 i quit everything. i develop psychosis and things get bad and eventually(about 3 months to 4 months after quitting all substances i start having visual hallucinations. i end up attempting suicide due to my psychosis. it has been about a year since i did any drugs and about 2 years since i did any MDMA or 2ci or anything like that and im trying to get off my antipsychotic medication to see if i have gotten better. but i believe im in this position due to all the drugs and am afraid i will not recover from this psychosis. although somehow i know i will. i also have memory and cognitive problems due to using drugs. i regret it all. DONT DO DRUGS PEOPLE im 19 now.
i was a young boy who was very naive and ended up making many friends in middle school. later on in my life these kids became potheads and later on drug abusers. i continued to hang out with these kids because i didnt really have any other friends. anyways one day im 14 years old and my friend asks me if i wanted to smoke. i was curious to find out what being high was like so i told him yes i would like to. we smoked a bowl of marijuana it was mid-grade so it wasnt that big of a deal. but soon i would find out i would become an addict. the next day i go to the same park to skateboard with the same person and with 2 other people. the friend of mine says ok were going to go smoke. so i go with him and smoke again from this point on i started smoking mid-grade marijuana with my so called friends whenever i got the chance. eventually there was no more mid-grade marijuana available for us to smoke so we start smoking dank. by the time i became 16 i started selling marijuana. and one day my dealer offers me ecstacy. i very stupidly felt sucked into it and ended up buying 2 hits and taking them both all at once. i was very messed up and i smoked some marijuana and cigarettes along with it. so i continue selling marijuana telling my friends about how i did ex and thought i was cool. and eventually by the time im 17 this kid buys 4.0 grams of pure mdma from some website and starts selling it to people. he shows up at my house one day and since i had an addictive personality i began self administering these drugs whenever they were proposed to me. so i take about 80mg to 100 mg of molly or MDMA(pure) crystal form. and i liked it a lot at the time. long story short i took it 2 more times in a spread amount of times at least a month in a half apart after that and each time i smoked pot along with it. i also ended up trying 2ci which is a designer drug sort of like LSD but is amphetamine-based(i believe) so anyways after all that i decided to quit those drugs even though i was still smoking pot everyday and selling it. by the time was 18 i quit everything. i develop psychosis and things get bad and eventually(about 3 months to 4 months after quitting all substances i start having visual hallucinations. i end up attempting suicide due to my psychosis. it has been about a year since i did any drugs and about 2 years since i did any MDMA or 2ci or anything like that and im trying to get off my antipsychotic medication to see if i have gotten better. but i believe im in this position due to all the drugs and am afraid i will not recover from this psychosis. although somehow i know i will. i also have memory and cognitive problems due to using drugs. i regret it all. DONT DO DRUGS PEOPLE im 19 now.