A story- into the mind of a "ice princess"

[Pillthrill]

This is just a story that I'm working on. I don't know if I'll get in a state I was in to be able to finish it. We will see. It is kinda based on my personal experience as well as things I have heard people say here...


Chapter 1

I jiggle my key, finally getting the rusty lock to turn and the door creeks open. Kneeling by my hotplate next to the door I grab my rusty pan and pour in the water, then add my ramen noodles. Sitting on the cold bare floor I dream about how wonderful it would be never to eat these damn things again. Becomes just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but then again I'm sure it is easier to be more charming when your not all tweeked out.

I hate this shot so much more now that I'm eating once every 3 or 4 days. I can never tell anymore, there are no days and nights when you never sleep. When you can't get your fix and you do sleep there is no way of telling for how long. If the other ice girls turning tricks mention missing talking to you, then you know it has been a few days.

I know I've been sleeping a lot recently. But personally I'd rather be asleep than deal with withdrawals. Ha and I thought comedowns were bad. It doesn't even compare. Nothing makes you suicidal faster. But... the bugs kinda scared me. I had heard of it happening, but never me. Isn't that the truth always other people, not me, never me. What a crock of shit.

Speaking of shit, I found a mirror the other day. My eyes are a bit sunken in and I'm not sure the last time I got a decent shower. How I'm able to turn tricks at all is a mystery to me. Maybe the make-up I got from trying to cut back helps. Takes awhile to get the money but I guess you have to spend a little to make a little. Isn't that the shit hole we live in. You never win and you are just fooling yourself to even think that you can.

Fuck! Damn water is boiling over! First it doesn't heat and I have to eat semi-crunchy noodles and now its too hot, wasting my both. That is the best part. It warms your insides a bit, which is nice now that it is getting colder. But anything is better than snow. I can't stand it! Just trying to walk on ice in heels is hard enough, not to mention turning them gray with all the dirty snow and slush. And your ass is so cold that you can't tell if the guy is even touching you, but getting a regular hurts kinda. Just awhile before their body feels like hot plates against your skin. Funny how the white snow at first seems so white and clean and ten turns everything so filthy.

I could go on about us being like the uncorrupted new snow when we are born and then some of us turn out lives dirty. But that is just stupid. We just have to face the fact that some of us are just born fucked up. "Oh poor me, I never thought I would end up like this." I knew it was a possibility. It took, what, 2 months for this shit to get so bad that the comesdown would ache and make me want to pull my hair out. I kinda got to laugh at myself when I lost my last jobs. Getting all spun out and being completely swallowed in a task. 10 minutes late to work, ok just a few more things I got to finish and then I'll go. The time is just gone and it's been 5 hours . I guess they get sick of it after awhile.

Now my work can't fire me. I have a few people I have to report to. But I'm not going there, not after last night. You know who never misses you, your dealer. Your just another food stamp when there is this many shards around. I was lucky Angel shared a little with me today. I guess she needs someone to talk about nothing when the cops are out and business is slower. I don't know what she was going on about. Something about James being Gabriel and Eric being the devil. We skip around a lot. Besides no one is an angel around here.

The little I scrapped out of the bag when she sat it down, stupid of her by the way, is burning a hole in my pocket. But at least I have some. I already smoked the last out of the stem. Just watch, I'll drop my pipe on day when I'm too spun out to hold onto anything. Smells better in here. Between the chemical smell coming off me and saturating the room it had gotten hard to breathe in here at times. I just kept telling myself that it wasn't the crystal burning my lungs. Nothing like battery acid in the morning.

The steam of the pan feels good on my face, my eyes get kinda dry when I'm high. I wonder how long my eyes have been jumping around the floors on the strip of unpeeled wallpaper. Hard to believe this place once had wallpaper. Amps, entertaining people with stupid shit since...Hitler.

Fuck, it would be so nice to have some H when I come off this, at least you can pass out a bit. But who has the money for both? Shit! Lost again and not rolling this glass fast enough. Sometimes I can't focus enough when I'm high to keep myself that way.

It's hard to like being high when you know that when coming down my whole body will feel like it's dying. I have no idea how I went so long 6 months ago, which seems only like a disaster packed into 2 weeks. But I suppose this is my place in the world. Like it or leave it. More like scape by or don't. If I could just count the times I have heard the same shit over and over. If only they would shut up. I don't fucking care! But asking a "crackhead" to shut up is like asking them to stop breathing air. The silent gasp and then it starts again.

Nice of the one guy today not ripping my legs off with my underwear. Letting me take them off like he wasn't paying for his time.

Uh, great the chemical smell is back. On the blankets, if you could call these blankets. My favorite is the greenish one with the floors. It doesn't have any holes in it to annoy me. But maybe I should go back and shit my ass on the cold floor. At least until my butt it numb. The hotplate warms it up a bit over there, It would be easier if I didn't have this stupid fire phobia.

I amuse myself with how fast I get to the other side of the room. High or cold, it's full tilt or nothing. But... I should really find a clock and see if it's late enough to go back out. After 2 is prime time.

 

[Pillthrill]

Chapter 2

I don't remember the last time I read something other than street signs or a phone book map to figure out where the hell I ended up. But who can read books anyway. It's strange to miss something like reading or writing. I wonder ig I'm too tweeked to stand still very long tonight. I wonder where "Gabriel" is, perhaps he found enough money to stay some place. I don't know how they do it sometimes. I'd rather date than get my ass beat stealing shit. Or at least get my ass beat less.

10 till 1:00, good enough. Maybe it will be just Angel and me on this street. The last thing I need is some new little bitch trying to get my dates. They just piss and moan about how bad things are when they have no idea of what bad is. They usually have bigger tits than I do, a little more meat to them. Although I'm still better than some. They take too long talking and shit to the Johns. I can turn double the tricks in the same time. The guys are all the same, as soon as they get off they are done for. They want you gone as soon as they get what they are after. I hate when they want you to stick around and expect you to listen to their sob stories. Fuck, if you got money to pay me you ain't that bad off. Always the same story too, about unhappiness and broken hearts. There is no such thing as happiness anyway.

"Candy!" a voice calls out to me. I turn around knowing the voice. "Hi Angel", I reply flatly. "Hows business?" "Oh ok. Look!" as she flashes her hot pink nails at me. "Where'd that come from?" "Walgreens on 2nd." "Cutting back are we?", I joke. "No." she laughs, "not even if I wanted to...and I don't." It just means a 5 finger discount. For us, small theft is just as regular as going to the store and paying for stuff is to "normal" people. "I can do yours too. I'm really good." "Ok." as I sit down on the steps of the empty store front. I like working here, no one to chase you off because you are making the place "look bad". "I'd do a better job if I wasn't shivering but maybe this way you won't smudge it." "It is November.", I reply pulling my skirt down as far as I can. I would be nice to have some pantyhose, but they never last long.

"Hi girls." Muffy says as she struts up to us. I actually forget what her name is, so I just call her Muffy cause she is a kept girl. Her pimp will buy her stuff, granted she puts out whenever he feels like it. I suppose that is the case today as she snuggles into her blue satin top to be sure we notice it. I'm guessing it came from the nice thrift shop over on Clark. I bet she could afford 3 pairs of pantyhose. "Ooo, nail polish, but I like mine better anyway." as she looks at her long purple nails. "Where are you working tonight anyway?" I say ignoring her usual bullshit, it wasn't that long aso that she was a girl just like us. Her face changes from a smile to a look of annoyance likely cause I refuse to mention how she looks. "The gas station 6 blocks down." she replies. Good, I don't have to deal with her self-righteous shit. She does ice just like the rest of us. Other than Jamie, her thing is smack. I don't know how she can make money when she is out cold all the time, eyes in the back of her head and what not. At least I can stay up all the time and work. "Great." Angel says with disgust as the lamp post light switches off above us. You obviously can't make money when no one can see what you are selling.

We stand up to move as Muffy follows us. Perhaps hoping she could get us to talk about her some more. I stop under the nearest lit light and give her a cold blank stare. She takes out a cigarette and lights it. She hold it near her face, wrist bent like she thinks she is some kind of movie star or something. I roll my eyes without even thinking about it. "I'll see you girls later." she says as she turns around and walks like she is the hottest thing on the block. Some days I could just push her in front of traffic.