ThatSpaceyKid
Bluelighter
A sinking ship needing a life boat, a broken soul, a neglected boy, and a lost survivor..
(PLEASE READ ENTIRLEY. PLEASE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. PLEASE UNDERSTAND I AM DIFFERENT NOW. BUT ALSO THAT I STILL HAVE A LONG WAYS, SO I AM NOT THINKING ALL THE WAY CLEAR. PLEASE UNDERSTAND WHY... I AM SO IRRESPONSIBLE...
[/CENTER]
Hello all, I am Matt. I am 19 years old. I would like to state my issue so everyone understands... Because of my issues I am not sure how to communicate, and often times I am to vaguee.. I have and have Bipolar Disorder 1, and have recently been diagnosed with PTSD, and OCD. I have been using since I was about 13-14 years old. I started with Prescription/OTC medications, and liquor. Eventually I became addicted to Heroin, Crystal Meth, Crack, Cocaine, Weed, Several Rx meds, and Spice. I have also been through alcholholism.. I have shot up Meth and Heroin, as well as Meth, Heroin, and Crack at one time. I used to smoke every single day and through the day. I used to spend ALL my money and have to steal for it. I have broken my family apart... I lost so many friends. I lost my graduation day, I lost respect, but mostly I lost my life. I used to be a straight A student, an athlete, and someone different. I used to have a car, trust, a family, and hopes. It is all gone... I am in trouble with the law as well... I am on probation for an incident that woke me up to the possibility of changing... I would like to state that as many of you seem to think of me as a spoiled rotten brat... I am not.. Right now my parents owe me and are trying to make up for the life that they were never apart of... I never had them growing up really.. I remembe always being that kid without anyone at my games, etc.. I grew up with my dad being emotionally abusive and cold hearted... He never taught me anything... I always hated him... We have no memories. My mother was and is to busy with her job to care about me.. I had no friends at all... I never had a real serious relationship. I dont have my brother and sister and never had... I was always bullied and picked on by teachers, peers, administration, etc... I was never noticed even though I was trying my hardest at everything and if I was... It was because I screwed up... I was always quiet and never stood up for myself... I have endured years of being sheltered, miserable, suicidal, depressed, and alone... I have no faith. I have no sense of responsibility and self discipline because I never had anyone pushing me... I never had guidance.. I never had control... I always acted on impulses... I always was a trouble maker... I was always the one who was different... Until now.. I have done this alone... But... All that got me was a high school Diploma, heart break, a loss of oppurtunity, no ego, legal issues, near death situations, loss of character, loss of ambitions, and of course drug addiction.. I have spent years trying to figure out what I did wrong... Why I deserved this... I didnt have any real talents except for lying.... I was always the one everyone felt sorry for, but didnt know how to talk to... I have cried almost daily... I have manic episodes which leave me in Hell... I have depression which tears me apart and takes me to some dark places... Lets not forget I sucked at sports and was benched for it, misseed my teenage years for drugs, lost my childhood because I was to miserable which made me to grown up... I had no role models. I have genetic history of drug use and alchohol depended and mental issues in my family... I have tried countless meds... I have suffered this last 3 years because of meds... I didnt seek treament til I was 17... I still havent found any counselor that can help... I have been to detodx... I have been in horrible situations with the cops and life and death... I never felt anything... Besides alone and sad.. I never felt close or like I can trust anyone.. I never got close to anyone. I never knew my family and am a stranger to them as they only see me behind a mask of denial and delusions.. I regret so much and think about it every day... I just want to start over... I have always had the problem of not being able to understand others, understand how my actions affect others... I never asked for help either... But now... I cant anymore.. I failed college both times I tried... I lossed my job...
The above is my sad history as vague as I can... It is all true... I am from a poor family as well so we had nothing... My dad... Was so horrible to me... He was the cause of my misery and is... He hates me... My mom tells me im not what she wanted and makes me feel so bad all the time.. I know in the past I was immature, stupid, ignorant, and posted stupid shit! But... You have to understand... I am not right at all.. I raised myself... I had no responsibilities because I never had anything... I am severely damaged from my past and cant get through the days at times with PTSD.. I know what the veterans talk about now... I am Bipolar in a bad way and cannot adjust to changing emotions, personalities, and what each one brings.. Sometimes I feel like I am asleep... And when I wake up I am in a mess because of Mania... But most.. I am so damn depressed... Ill do ANYTHING to stop it or keep it away... I am so lonely... I will take anyone who will have me... I am also a poly- drug abuser... I finally will say I am worse than addicted.. I am unfunctional without Crystal Meth and Cannabis... I beat the others, but will take them if I cant get what I want... I am trying to to be "A casual user" but I know.. No one can... I am about to go to jail... I am so scared right now... I have issues taking UA's because of anxiety.. And I have always been pee shy.. But also.. Because it is because of mistakes and lapses... I am starting to go down again... =[
I finally got it all back.. But I know I will lose it again.. I am already starting up with the problems again... I am stuck between changing myself, staying an addict, starting over, suicide, jail, and rock bottom... I know I need to change.. But I am afraid I need rehab to... But I cant face that right now... Because I am trying my hardest to recover... I know this doesnt make sense.. But I cannot do it anymore... I need to take baby steps.. Lately and for a while its been drastic changes.... Its been the worst that can come... Its been all at once or nonstop... I need to be able to be strong enough to face treatment because... Right now I am lost in my own sad world... SO deep... That I cant... Handle being away right now... I need to do it for me.. But I also want to fix some things before I fix myself because it is some of why I am feeling this way.. Above all.. I want a family ='[ before I go so i know I will have someone to do it for... I know.. My parents probably were raised the same way... But... thats what I ever wanted... Was a mom and a dad... Nothing else... Because... They were supposed to love me uncondinitionally.. I tried my best for a long time and didnt mess up to bad until I started middle schooll.. From there it got worse and worse... And of course when I make a mistake.. They are the worst you can make...
Please try to be empathetic... Because I am fighting for my life believe me im trying so hard right now.. But when im so alone and sad.. i cant.... I need inspiration. Advice... Someone to tell me it will be okay and not to blame me.. I know I have choices, but again... Try being this way... I want a happy future... i want out... i dont want drugs anymore... =[ I dont want this to be why I die... Why im locked up.. PLEASE I will try anything... I want to go to college. I want to be stable... I want my family to love and be proud... I want to love myself... I am much more awake now... Than I was... Detox and all that has happened this last year... Has made me wake up... Now... I want to take action instead of just thinking about it... I cant anymore as i keep saying.. i am getting sick.. From the stress and depression... Some days I feel like im an old man because it all hurts from anxiety.. I cant eat because i just dont feel it... I need help with my priorities. ='[ And a good set of ears... I want a sober life... But cant stay away from using once my thoughts kick in, or the reality sets, or I cant handle the Lethargy..
(PLEASE READ ENTIRLEY. PLEASE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. PLEASE UNDERSTAND I AM DIFFERENT NOW. BUT ALSO THAT I STILL HAVE A LONG WAYS, SO I AM NOT THINKING ALL THE WAY CLEAR. PLEASE UNDERSTAND WHY... I AM SO IRRESPONSIBLE...
[/CENTER]
Hello all, I am Matt. I am 19 years old. I would like to state my issue so everyone understands... Because of my issues I am not sure how to communicate, and often times I am to vaguee.. I have and have Bipolar Disorder 1, and have recently been diagnosed with PTSD, and OCD. I have been using since I was about 13-14 years old. I started with Prescription/OTC medications, and liquor. Eventually I became addicted to Heroin, Crystal Meth, Crack, Cocaine, Weed, Several Rx meds, and Spice. I have also been through alcholholism.. I have shot up Meth and Heroin, as well as Meth, Heroin, and Crack at one time. I used to smoke every single day and through the day. I used to spend ALL my money and have to steal for it. I have broken my family apart... I lost so many friends. I lost my graduation day, I lost respect, but mostly I lost my life. I used to be a straight A student, an athlete, and someone different. I used to have a car, trust, a family, and hopes. It is all gone... I am in trouble with the law as well... I am on probation for an incident that woke me up to the possibility of changing... I would like to state that as many of you seem to think of me as a spoiled rotten brat... I am not.. Right now my parents owe me and are trying to make up for the life that they were never apart of... I never had them growing up really.. I remembe always being that kid without anyone at my games, etc.. I grew up with my dad being emotionally abusive and cold hearted... He never taught me anything... I always hated him... We have no memories. My mother was and is to busy with her job to care about me.. I had no friends at all... I never had a real serious relationship. I dont have my brother and sister and never had... I was always bullied and picked on by teachers, peers, administration, etc... I was never noticed even though I was trying my hardest at everything and if I was... It was because I screwed up... I was always quiet and never stood up for myself... I have endured years of being sheltered, miserable, suicidal, depressed, and alone... I have no faith. I have no sense of responsibility and self discipline because I never had anyone pushing me... I never had guidance.. I never had control... I always acted on impulses... I always was a trouble maker... I was always the one who was different... Until now.. I have done this alone... But... All that got me was a high school Diploma, heart break, a loss of oppurtunity, no ego, legal issues, near death situations, loss of character, loss of ambitions, and of course drug addiction.. I have spent years trying to figure out what I did wrong... Why I deserved this... I didnt have any real talents except for lying.... I was always the one everyone felt sorry for, but didnt know how to talk to... I have cried almost daily... I have manic episodes which leave me in Hell... I have depression which tears me apart and takes me to some dark places... Lets not forget I sucked at sports and was benched for it, misseed my teenage years for drugs, lost my childhood because I was to miserable which made me to grown up... I had no role models. I have genetic history of drug use and alchohol depended and mental issues in my family... I have tried countless meds... I have suffered this last 3 years because of meds... I didnt seek treament til I was 17... I still havent found any counselor that can help... I have been to detodx... I have been in horrible situations with the cops and life and death... I never felt anything... Besides alone and sad.. I never felt close or like I can trust anyone.. I never got close to anyone. I never knew my family and am a stranger to them as they only see me behind a mask of denial and delusions.. I regret so much and think about it every day... I just want to start over... I have always had the problem of not being able to understand others, understand how my actions affect others... I never asked for help either... But now... I cant anymore.. I failed college both times I tried... I lossed my job...
The above is my sad history as vague as I can... It is all true... I am from a poor family as well so we had nothing... My dad... Was so horrible to me... He was the cause of my misery and is... He hates me... My mom tells me im not what she wanted and makes me feel so bad all the time.. I know in the past I was immature, stupid, ignorant, and posted stupid shit! But... You have to understand... I am not right at all.. I raised myself... I had no responsibilities because I never had anything... I am severely damaged from my past and cant get through the days at times with PTSD.. I know what the veterans talk about now... I am Bipolar in a bad way and cannot adjust to changing emotions, personalities, and what each one brings.. Sometimes I feel like I am asleep... And when I wake up I am in a mess because of Mania... But most.. I am so damn depressed... Ill do ANYTHING to stop it or keep it away... I am so lonely... I will take anyone who will have me... I am also a poly- drug abuser... I finally will say I am worse than addicted.. I am unfunctional without Crystal Meth and Cannabis... I beat the others, but will take them if I cant get what I want... I am trying to to be "A casual user" but I know.. No one can... I am about to go to jail... I am so scared right now... I have issues taking UA's because of anxiety.. And I have always been pee shy.. But also.. Because it is because of mistakes and lapses... I am starting to go down again... =[
I finally got it all back.. But I know I will lose it again.. I am already starting up with the problems again... I am stuck between changing myself, staying an addict, starting over, suicide, jail, and rock bottom... I know I need to change.. But I am afraid I need rehab to... But I cant face that right now... Because I am trying my hardest to recover... I know this doesnt make sense.. But I cannot do it anymore... I need to take baby steps.. Lately and for a while its been drastic changes.... Its been the worst that can come... Its been all at once or nonstop... I need to be able to be strong enough to face treatment because... Right now I am lost in my own sad world... SO deep... That I cant... Handle being away right now... I need to do it for me.. But I also want to fix some things before I fix myself because it is some of why I am feeling this way.. Above all.. I want a family ='[ before I go so i know I will have someone to do it for... I know.. My parents probably were raised the same way... But... thats what I ever wanted... Was a mom and a dad... Nothing else... Because... They were supposed to love me uncondinitionally.. I tried my best for a long time and didnt mess up to bad until I started middle schooll.. From there it got worse and worse... And of course when I make a mistake.. They are the worst you can make...
Please try to be empathetic... Because I am fighting for my life believe me im trying so hard right now.. But when im so alone and sad.. i cant.... I need inspiration. Advice... Someone to tell me it will be okay and not to blame me.. I know I have choices, but again... Try being this way... I want a happy future... i want out... i dont want drugs anymore... =[ I dont want this to be why I die... Why im locked up.. PLEASE I will try anything... I want to go to college. I want to be stable... I want my family to love and be proud... I want to love myself... I am much more awake now... Than I was... Detox and all that has happened this last year... Has made me wake up... Now... I want to take action instead of just thinking about it... I cant anymore as i keep saying.. i am getting sick.. From the stress and depression... Some days I feel like im an old man because it all hurts from anxiety.. I cant eat because i just dont feel it... I need help with my priorities. ='[ And a good set of ears... I want a sober life... But cant stay away from using once my thoughts kick in, or the reality sets, or I cant handle the Lethargy..
