Okay, so I said I was going to provide you with some feedback. I'm not sure what the guidelines of your assignment are, but I'll do my best. I'm going to start off with a line by line cosmetic analysis.
and the lord gives to those who take
I would cut the first word, "and", especially since the second line also begins with "and".
and the rest end up in fiery lake
This is grammatically incorrect. It should be "end up in
the fiery lake" or something. Grammar doesn't have to be perfect in poetry, but it does have to be consistent. You could, alternatively, pluralize the last word, changing "lake" to "lakes."
and they fire upon! the heathen ones
Cut the exclamation mark, or - at least - move it to the end of the line. And cut the word "and".
when the time is near and the crusade comes
This line is okay, cosmetically.
in a time not long ago they all wore shiny nice clean halos
Avoid the repetition of "time". The repetition of fire works earlier in the poem because you are doing something different with it. At first it is adjectival, then it is a verb. Here, time serves the same function which causes the repetition to be unjustified.
The line is too long. It interferes with the flow you have established. I would cut it down dramatically, removing various redundant/expendable words. It should also, probably be a new stanza as the transition from the 4th to the 5th line is unclear. "Not long ago, they wore shiny clean halos," for example, is a tighter version of the same line.
I'd cut the entire line.
once upon that golden time they all shared the love and the piece of mind
This line is WAY too long and the third repetition of "time" is really jarring. Again, it is a noun. You've got three consecutive lines, each referring to a "time". You can do this. But avoid re-using the word. Cut it down to something like "They all shared love and peace of mind."
Though, again, I'd cut the entire line.
infinite consequences for a finite crime
This is by far the best line of the poem.
compared to hell life is a moment in time
The fourth repetition of "time". That's four lines, out of eight, that use the same word. If you split it into two four line stanzas, and cut the second and third rep, it's okay. But I'd add a coma between "hell" and "life".
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Onto the meaning of the poem.
1. Why does the lord give to those who take?
2. Who fires upon the heathen ones? The damned? It reads like, those who end up in the fiery lake fire upon the heathens. Which doesn't make much sense to me.
3. What are the infinite consequences, and for who? You go straight from angels sharing love (heaven) to infinite consequences (hell) but the transition from one concept to the other is unclear. The lines work individually, they just need to be restructured/reworked so that the logic flows.
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In terms of stanzas, I think it works better as couplets rather than being broken up into four line stanzas.
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Now, the syllabic count. You've established a rhyme scheme. Rhyming poems typically follow a syllabic structure. The reason I said some lines are too long is because of the rhymes. It is jarring when you establish a melody, then disrupt it. Sort of like in music if you go from a 4-beat to a 3-beat. It doesn't really work. Most of the time, anyway.
In order to make the syllabic count consistent, you're going to have to re-write it line by line. For example:
The lord, He gives; and the lord, He takes (9)
Transgressors end up in the fiery lake (10)
He fires upon the heathen ones (9)
When the time is nigh and the crusade comes (10)
Infinite torture for finite crimes (9)
Compared to hell, life's a moment in time (10)
^This is just an example. I'm not going to spend too much time restructuring it. I'm just trying to illustrate how the flow of the poem can be improved by applying a syllabic rhythm. I'd recommend checking out some William Blake. That's what your poem reminds me of. It's Biblical, structured, etc.
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Overall it needs to be a bit longer, I think. Again, I'm not sure what the guidelines for your assignment are.
I'd recommend reading it aloud to yourself as it is, and then reading my restructured version.
You also need to think about what you're trying to say. The reason "infinite consequences for finite crimes" is the best line is because it is making a commentary rather than simply re-iterating passages from the Bible.
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I hope that helps. If you'd like to continue to workshop the poem, re-write it and post a second draft. I'm happy to provide more feedback, as required.
Good luck.
Much love,
-4EA
