I was thinking of this for the past several hours and couldn't bring myself to lose the thought.
All of my life, I've been all sorts of different. I've been extremely intelligent to the point of not realizing that school was supposed to be challenging. I've been Jewish in a Christan world. I've been mystical in a religious world. I've been a drug user in a Prohibitionist world, an addict in a casual world and a casual in an addict's world. While most people were trying to rip into life and race to the degree, I've been climbing the Ivory Tower, much to everyone's chagrin.
It's not like I want to stay out of college, or have a normal life, or just have people fucking understand me without me struggling to pick different phrasings. I'm not even sure I want to seek knowledge that is more than one needs to know. I just can't fucking help it. The answers I was given as a child weren't enough, so I had to ask more questions, and get more incomplete answers, and ask more questions. So many fucking questions until I realized that no one could answer the questions that I was asking. I was asking the wrong questions. I didn't really understand the gravity of what I was asking, and no one else did, either.
I was told I was insane, and that I had the folly of youth on top of that. I was told repeatedly that I had a spiritual malady - which I may have had, but the questions are still there. I was told that my brain was fundamentally wired in a manner that I could never understand social mores or how society worked. All of that I have accepted as true, and all of it I have realized as excuses because no one wants to think about the answers to the really hard questions in life, like why people are intentionally cruel and hypocritical and intentionally give up their empathy when I had to work so hard to fake mine...
I have Bipolar Mania which I am currently medicate for and am turning 22 next month - both charges I am indeed guilty of. But I've been given the gift of conviction and the time to tell enough people what I'm figuring out for myself. I may had have drug addiction, yes. As a result, though, I've learned what it really means to be spiritually Jewish in my heart - keep fucking arguing until you grok what's going on, even if it seems impossible to grok. Face value washes off with the mascara. I have Asperger's Disorder. Look it up. I'm not going to give you the diagnosis criteria on a silver platter anymore. But precisely because I lack the empathy of most humans is how I can see the cogs and gears of human probability and societal function.
You see, I took many hard looks at humanity, and became fucking disgusted and withdrew to a world of fantasy, Cartoon Network, anime - Dragonball Z.
Now, You've probably stopped reading at this point. If you haven't, congrats.
Now, there's a pivotal moment at the very end of the series when the main character, Goku, summons something called a Spirit Bomb, which by itself has no power. You see, it gains its power from the excess life energy of those who choose to donate to it. In this case, Goku was fighting a monster that could only be compared to Satan himself called Buu. Goku begged for energy from everyone on the Planet Earth for his Spirit Bomb because no single being alive was strong enough to kill Buu at this point in time. He begged and begged, yet a lot of people were afraid to listen. Eventually, every single person on Earth lent Goku the life-force they were able to spare.
But it wasn't enough. The monster, Buu, was able to control the combined life energy of almost every single person on Earth and almost killed our hero. It was at that point Goku realized he had made a fatal miscalculation that almost cost everyone their existences - Goku hadn't put any of his own energy into this Spirit Bomb. With that, he took control, and with the support of every single being on the planet behind him, he puts every shred of his own energy into the Spirit Bomb and vaporizes the evil incarnate.
You may be saying, "Well, what was the point of that? It's a pretty story, but that's not how it went at all! You missed X detail and Y section and Z ZZZZZZ characters..."
Here's my point:We all have to join our efforts together to make this place a little better for those who come after us, as well as realizing that we have to do it for ourselves as well.
ZOMG, Hippie BS! tl;dr! Fucking anime whackjob who's obsessed with tentacle rape!
Yes I am. But I am also human...I have an investment in this world, and I'm not going to let ANYONE fuck it up for me! If that means helping people out, so be it. You, the reader(if you're still here at this point) have an investment, too. Fucking act like it, or you may be in the same situation as Goku, trying to help and control something that ends up controlling you.
All of my life, I've been all sorts of different. I've been extremely intelligent to the point of not realizing that school was supposed to be challenging. I've been Jewish in a Christan world. I've been mystical in a religious world. I've been a drug user in a Prohibitionist world, an addict in a casual world and a casual in an addict's world. While most people were trying to rip into life and race to the degree, I've been climbing the Ivory Tower, much to everyone's chagrin.
It's not like I want to stay out of college, or have a normal life, or just have people fucking understand me without me struggling to pick different phrasings. I'm not even sure I want to seek knowledge that is more than one needs to know. I just can't fucking help it. The answers I was given as a child weren't enough, so I had to ask more questions, and get more incomplete answers, and ask more questions. So many fucking questions until I realized that no one could answer the questions that I was asking. I was asking the wrong questions. I didn't really understand the gravity of what I was asking, and no one else did, either.
I was told I was insane, and that I had the folly of youth on top of that. I was told repeatedly that I had a spiritual malady - which I may have had, but the questions are still there. I was told that my brain was fundamentally wired in a manner that I could never understand social mores or how society worked. All of that I have accepted as true, and all of it I have realized as excuses because no one wants to think about the answers to the really hard questions in life, like why people are intentionally cruel and hypocritical and intentionally give up their empathy when I had to work so hard to fake mine...
I have Bipolar Mania which I am currently medicate for and am turning 22 next month - both charges I am indeed guilty of. But I've been given the gift of conviction and the time to tell enough people what I'm figuring out for myself. I may had have drug addiction, yes. As a result, though, I've learned what it really means to be spiritually Jewish in my heart - keep fucking arguing until you grok what's going on, even if it seems impossible to grok. Face value washes off with the mascara. I have Asperger's Disorder. Look it up. I'm not going to give you the diagnosis criteria on a silver platter anymore. But precisely because I lack the empathy of most humans is how I can see the cogs and gears of human probability and societal function.
You see, I took many hard looks at humanity, and became fucking disgusted and withdrew to a world of fantasy, Cartoon Network, anime - Dragonball Z.
Now, You've probably stopped reading at this point. If you haven't, congrats.
Now, there's a pivotal moment at the very end of the series when the main character, Goku, summons something called a Spirit Bomb, which by itself has no power. You see, it gains its power from the excess life energy of those who choose to donate to it. In this case, Goku was fighting a monster that could only be compared to Satan himself called Buu. Goku begged for energy from everyone on the Planet Earth for his Spirit Bomb because no single being alive was strong enough to kill Buu at this point in time. He begged and begged, yet a lot of people were afraid to listen. Eventually, every single person on Earth lent Goku the life-force they were able to spare.
But it wasn't enough. The monster, Buu, was able to control the combined life energy of almost every single person on Earth and almost killed our hero. It was at that point Goku realized he had made a fatal miscalculation that almost cost everyone their existences - Goku hadn't put any of his own energy into this Spirit Bomb. With that, he took control, and with the support of every single being on the planet behind him, he puts every shred of his own energy into the Spirit Bomb and vaporizes the evil incarnate.
You may be saying, "Well, what was the point of that? It's a pretty story, but that's not how it went at all! You missed X detail and Y section and Z ZZZZZZ characters..."
Here's my point:We all have to join our efforts together to make this place a little better for those who come after us, as well as realizing that we have to do it for ourselves as well.
ZOMG, Hippie BS! tl;dr! Fucking anime whackjob who's obsessed with tentacle rape!
Yes I am. But I am also human...I have an investment in this world, and I'm not going to let ANYONE fuck it up for me! If that means helping people out, so be it. You, the reader(if you're still here at this point) have an investment, too. Fucking act like it, or you may be in the same situation as Goku, trying to help and control something that ends up controlling you.
