A Reflecshun

[Counterintuitive]

Chasing a dragon to feel my own mortality,
A predisposed failure - unknowingly.
So desperate to appease, these shadow's stalking me;
Yet, the faces of the well-known are frowning.

Onto this elusive path that I track night and day;
Into this vehement vortex - spiraling.
Spiraling my mental sanity 'til frayed
After these years of abuse and self-mutilating.

It is I that have lost my own way...
I who has been swept under the waves;
Beneath this ebbing undertow,
Deeper than I did ever mean to go.

And this blanket of blackness now covers me;
Emotions cut deep, but can not reach.
All the while, so desperate to appease
These shrouding shadow's stalking.

Ending #1
In this final breath I ask what it is that I have now?
Not one damn thing, but half-forgotten dreams.
Oh! This looming feeling of my own demise,
Discernment creeping over as I close my eyes.

Ending #2
In this final breath I ask what it is that I have now?
...Half-forgotten dreams and looming feelings;
A self-writ, paid-in-full demise
with a twist of discernment creeping over as I close my eyes.

Ending #3
So, what is it that I now have?
Not a damn thing, but half-forgotten dreams,
And gripping, looming feelings of a self-writ demise
and discernment creeping over as I close my eyes.

 

[Wordswords]

this is SOOOOOOOO good. i like it so many lots of lots

if i could offer any advice, it might be this: remember the simple concepts and stick as close to them as possible; things like: hope, truth, mercy, TRUE unconditional, NO expectations Love,

 

[Counterintuitive]

As I posted in response to you on another post, as much as I enjoy a positive remark... Constructive criticism would be received just as warmly. And, now that I think about it - Probably warmer.

Thanks again for the encouraging words, wordswords.

 

[queenscarlet88]

What is a "vehement vortex"? Alliteration shouldn't be thrown in just for its own sake, but should make sense.

"Discernment creeping over as I close my eyes" is good, though. Your most effective line.

 

[Counterintuitive]

Back from a long trip for work. I just read your other post on The Ascent - I have a lot of work to do.

I was going for imagery with the vehement vortex line, but it does need to be changed after thinking about it. Then again, am I not able to write - "vehement, vortex" ? Wouldn't this work for alliteration and imagery?