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A public rest stop is a yellow place to die *(open to criticism)*

bone$aW

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 2, 2008
Messages
79
My writing teacher thinks this poem is much too vague, so therefore a little clarity: it is about trying to shoot dope (specifically hydromorphone, a very short lived high when injected) in a public bathroom. The assignment was to start with an image and stay with it until "the lift", as he calls it.
Very open to criticism, though this poem was written in a panicked and self-conscious state of trying to finish the damn thing for a class of intimidating poets. A little nervous self-criticism and time constraints can actually produce some decent art sometimes.

____________

A public rest stop is a yellow place to die
where bile mists off humming fixtures

A concrete den, a smell of shit
a trough for piping urine.

Outside there's dusk,
a shivering and sore twilight
a much deserved frigid frost.

A car in a locked lot waits in the blue.

And what you have is all that saves:
a dogged will
digging holes in milk.

A sweaty palm
a blood soaked rag
a thirst for curious nausea.

At last: spot on,
a rush through Eden
a tease of numbing thunder.

And dumped in the bramble,
your mistress is sailing
she laughs at all your lust.
 
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I really like it. It's not something that any of my teachers would have liked, though. Not because it's bad at all. But because it's a kinda raw and very dark. Anyway, in terms of criticism (only cause you asked for it):

The flow is on and off a bit. Particularly the third, fourth and last stanza. Could do with a little tightening.

Also it is fairly descriptive of the place and happenstance, though very beautiful in it's descriptions. I particularly like the first two stanzas. I'm not really sure how it could be described as vague. Perhaps your teacher doesn't have any experience with that world and therefore doesn't get it. I would make it a little more cryptic if anything. Describe how it feels more than what it is. Don't know if that makes sense.

Also maybe change the title to 'A Yellow Place to Die'. I've never been a big fan of titles being entire sentences.

I do really like it, by the way. Sorry if I sound too critical.
 
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