Thou
Bluelighter
I'm starting to get better and am grateful.
I legitimately hope all can attain this goal.
It's been 29 years for me. I guess just had to grow up primarily. abolish all useless characteristics (pride, embarrassment, body dysmorphia, impulsiveness, obsessive over analytic internal dialogue beyond my control; you know, the whole works, basically excluding schizophrenia, thank the gods.)
I'm in an outpatient program. One that astoundingly serves to create valid, productive help. Enough to get me out of bed in the morning without the usual dread, shutter, and agoraphic fear typical of me these long years I've spent dealing with this rubbish.
I'm working it everyday, don't even need mixed amph salts to maintain levels of creativity, productivity and contentment. That's huge for me.
I take my medicine as prescribed, again huge positive change. No more impulsive klonopin eating, no more running short weeks early sick to death and praying to whatever gods would listen to spare me seizures. I was lucky. Tapered from 4mg a year ago Sunday. Wait, not that was when all valum was gone. After a lengthy taper, mind you. I drank to alleviate symptoms and in turn not only exacerbated them but destroyed a potential relationship that had so much promise.
What brought me to commit myself if anyone is interested was an oddly calm an ineffectual desire to depart this existence. Existentially, at the very time at least, I felt as though I'd done enough, suffered enough, laughed, cried, cuddled and made enough love and intimate contact leading to an oddly detached decision with no fear or dread to speak of.. Now it was simply a matter of method which my sick mind obsessed about in order to feel calm. That is beyond rock bottom. I barely possessed a spirtual pulse, slept 15 hours a day and couldn't even engage in enjoyable activities (anhedonia?), let alone get back to work.
I decided I'd let them fix my meds and see what happened. It happened to work in my case, even though I was assaulted for "Being Jewish" by a narcissistic, sociopathic, bigoted excuse for a lump of useless walking flesh just two days in . I'm not Jewsh by the wAY. Kid was the poorest human specimen I ever seen, I never provoked him once, just did the non-violent resistance thing Gandhi taught us. I plan to press charges but I digress. Was a minor thing leading me to the co-ed unit where I met 5 people I wouldn't trade for the world. I digress quite often.
Relevant points being if you're done with life try the help. Might take a few times to work but being around people of that particular intelligence that prompts mental ailments. Also, don't knock a med until you've tried it and skilfully monitored physiological/psychological effects it has on your body as well as the effectiveness related toward its intended purpose.
This isn't a journal entry. This is a question about others experiences with outpatient mental health programs. Detailed if you can. That and to inspire hope. 3 weeks ago I was lying on the railroad tracks, cut the shit, sought help and the universe responded with love and kindness.
Anyone want to share their experiences or ask questions appreciated.
I legitimately hope all can attain this goal.
It's been 29 years for me. I guess just had to grow up primarily. abolish all useless characteristics (pride, embarrassment, body dysmorphia, impulsiveness, obsessive over analytic internal dialogue beyond my control; you know, the whole works, basically excluding schizophrenia, thank the gods.)
I'm in an outpatient program. One that astoundingly serves to create valid, productive help. Enough to get me out of bed in the morning without the usual dread, shutter, and agoraphic fear typical of me these long years I've spent dealing with this rubbish.
I'm working it everyday, don't even need mixed amph salts to maintain levels of creativity, productivity and contentment. That's huge for me.
I take my medicine as prescribed, again huge positive change. No more impulsive klonopin eating, no more running short weeks early sick to death and praying to whatever gods would listen to spare me seizures. I was lucky. Tapered from 4mg a year ago Sunday. Wait, not that was when all valum was gone. After a lengthy taper, mind you. I drank to alleviate symptoms and in turn not only exacerbated them but destroyed a potential relationship that had so much promise.
What brought me to commit myself if anyone is interested was an oddly calm an ineffectual desire to depart this existence. Existentially, at the very time at least, I felt as though I'd done enough, suffered enough, laughed, cried, cuddled and made enough love and intimate contact leading to an oddly detached decision with no fear or dread to speak of.. Now it was simply a matter of method which my sick mind obsessed about in order to feel calm. That is beyond rock bottom. I barely possessed a spirtual pulse, slept 15 hours a day and couldn't even engage in enjoyable activities (anhedonia?), let alone get back to work.
I decided I'd let them fix my meds and see what happened. It happened to work in my case, even though I was assaulted for "Being Jewish" by a narcissistic, sociopathic, bigoted excuse for a lump of useless walking flesh just two days in . I'm not Jewsh by the wAY. Kid was the poorest human specimen I ever seen, I never provoked him once, just did the non-violent resistance thing Gandhi taught us. I plan to press charges but I digress. Was a minor thing leading me to the co-ed unit where I met 5 people I wouldn't trade for the world. I digress quite often.
Relevant points being if you're done with life try the help. Might take a few times to work but being around people of that particular intelligence that prompts mental ailments. Also, don't knock a med until you've tried it and skilfully monitored physiological/psychological effects it has on your body as well as the effectiveness related toward its intended purpose.
This isn't a journal entry. This is a question about others experiences with outpatient mental health programs. Detailed if you can. That and to inspire hope. 3 weeks ago I was lying on the railroad tracks, cut the shit, sought help and the universe responded with love and kindness.
Anyone want to share their experiences or ask questions appreciated.
