A poem about hitting Rock bottom

[halperdude]

Just wrote it, haven't decided if it's worth continuing. It's not too deep, nor personal, but i think if you really read it you can see that it's something that nearly all of us can relate to at one time or another. Whether it's about drugs or friendship.
Safety nets,
To catch us when we fall,
To put us back on our feet,
To remind us of whom we are and what we can accomplish
To inspire us to try again.

Yet one day, that safety net will doubtlessly disappear
Allowing us to fall to the floor
And on the floor you truly find out who you are
If you can stand on your own you’re exceptional
If you cannot, then try again.

Constructive criticism always appreciated

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

I don't really think poems should be constructively criticized. You're the poet, is it done or not? I suppose a work of art is never done, but it's gotta be what you want to say, what you want to tell everyone, and you gotta paint the picture with concise words. Trust no one but yourself when it comes to making a poem. Especially not Jack Kerouac What you wanna convey, and how you wanna convey it is up to you, and no one can tell you different.

I will offer some advice though. Keep in mind the two parts of a poem: Content, and style. That's the "what" and the "how," those are the two most important factors, "when" "where" and "who" are details, the "why" is what gets you starting writing the poem in the first place.
I personally think it needs more imagery, more color, or maybe less color, this is rock bottom after all, or maybe just two colors. It doesn't seem to paint the picture of rock bottom as much as simply any time you fail or fall. A safety net can be anything, not just drugs. You might wanna describe the feeling of the floor. Also, come up with your own metaphors for a more dramatic connection to the reader. Safety Nets and rock bottom are cliches that have become somewhat stale over the years.
Try to incorporate more senses in your description. Get them tasting the blood in your mouth as you land face-first into the floor, the metallic fluid, get them feeling the hardness and grit of how it is on the bottom.

Also I highly recommend reading more poetry to see that I'm not just making this stuff up, that's what poets actually do and more.

 

[StrictlyBusiness]

i am sick, i am ill, i am not well
this chosen path im running on is the road to hell
my choices are killing me, my option is pain.
my motive is cancerous from start to the end.
risk and reward evolved into a three headed beast
one head rage, one lies, and one needs.
working together too make my head split open and from my mind they tare
and at war with the other two parts of the body they share
crazy and warped and at war is my mind
dark and deep and confused at all times
and there is hope only in the fuel that i feed it
the reason i write and why you read it
and without hope i am hopeless and am beyond too far gone
i can unseen what ive seen, cant undo what ive done
so fuel it i will until the real me is numb
and the beast takes over and and threes no where to run
because death i don't fear, but death has its time.
but to take it myself is too weak and not as fun
as riding it out, saddling the beast,
riding off in the sunset and being half free
slave to the beast never to be let free
but free to turn off and sink into the sea

 

[RhythmSpring]

dark, truth.

 

[New]

Just wrote it, haven't decided if it's worth continuing. It's not too deep, nor personal, but i think if you really read it you can see that it's something that nearly all of us can relate to at one time or another. Whether it's about drugs or friendship.
Safety nets,
To catch us when we fall,
To put us back on our feet,
To remind us of whom we are and what we can accomplish
To inspire us to try again.

Yet one day, that safety net will doubtlessly disappear
Allowing us to fall to the floor
And on the floor you truly find out who you are
If you can stand on your own you’re exceptional
If you cannot, then try again.

Constructive criticism always appreciated

I like it. It's direct and it conveys your core idea. The only concept that I'd like to put forth is that it presents the concept of Rock Bottom in an unusually subtle manner. I appreciate the hopeful tone that you're putting out there. My mind, however, would say that the poem is more about perseverance than Rock Bottom. I expected from the title a more jarring, claustrophobic tone. I also happen to agree with coffeedrinker on a few points, although I will say that your association with that concept is a pleasant subversion. I think it would do you well to inject more of your personal experiences with the subject. I can definitely relate to what you've written, and I'd also like to take the ride with you into the pit of despair and feel the radiance that's present when you surmount life fighting against you and flip off the obstacles that failed to keep you from succeeding.

You dig?