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A piece of my brain. Click here if you can handle the stupidity.

ReVulsiOn

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 7, 2000
Messages
23
Well, I quite well understand that Bluelight is for the concern of XTC. However, I'd like to get off the subject for just a bit. To unwind, and unload this pile of filth that's clogging up my mind. Thank you for listening to me babble, it means so much to me.
Smiling. Smiling isn't for everyone. Especially me. Why this is I don't know, maybe I'm too lazy to flex the muscles in my face, or perhaps there's something horribly wrong with me. *shrugs* One or the other, it's something I haven't done in a long time. And now I'm beginning to wonder why. I've tried staring into the sun, or at the stars, doing countless drugs to reverse these feelings of incompetancy. However, nothing seems to work. You see children, I really need this. The feeling of supreme happiness that comes to you when Santa visits you on christmas eve, leaving numbers of toys, gifts, and candy for you to rot your brain on. Perhaps THIS is why I am the way I am, because of the lies that have come my way, and clogged the very pores of my essence. WHERE IS THE TRUTH?!?! How come it has sudddenly disappeared, or evaporated into this very tasty residue that taunts, making you yearn for the past, and the innocence. Jesus, I've tried keeping all of this inside, so fucking tired, I'm sure you know the feeling. No, it isn't depression. It's not insanity. It's REALITY! Icky! How much can a person take?! Can we say teen angst? But I'm just making fun of myself, I can hear you all laughing. I'm sick and tired of living a relative life. Sitting at home. Sitting at work. Wishing I was elsewhere, wishing for someone to be next to me, by my side, supporting, and caring. Life is supposed to be one thing to one person and another to someone else. Am I just a loose end? Sadly, the place I want to be is so far off, and I doubt I will ever make it there again...
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I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll this time. I feel my luck could change. Kill me Sarah. Kill me again. With love...It's going to be a glorius day.
[This message has been edited by ReVulsiOn (edited 08 January 2000).]
 
I Am NoT lAuGhING At YoU, I Am relatIng 100% To You, I OnCe Was DPrEsSed FuCin HaRdcoRe As WeLl, UnTil I StArtEd GoIng To pArtys AnD SEeInG MaNy OtHer PeOpLe SuCh As MysElf RelEaTiNg To EaCh OtHer On thE SaMe LeVel EvEn If ThEy WeRe Straght Or NoT. DruGs Are So mUcH LeSS PoWerFuLL Than ThE HuMaN MINd> I My ExPErence, TalkiNg To MaNy PeOplE I HaVe ReaLiSed That PEepS wHo ArE aTtRaccTeD tO TeckNo MusIc(lIke Me) WeRe ThE OuTcAsts In ScHool,WoRk,SociEty> If YoU Are aTtRaCctED tO ThIs KiNd Of HiGhlY INtEllEnGeNt MUsIc YoU HaVe ReAcHeD A HiGhEr StAte Of UnDersTanDiNg WiThiJN yourSelF And YoU VaLuE INneR BeAutY AnD INner Spirt AboVe EvEryThIng ElSe>thAt Is The MoSt VaLuaBlE ThIng In ThE UnIvErse
smile.gif

PLUR FOREVER IN YOUR MIND(Peace,Love,Unity,Respect+SMILES ALwAYS)
SMILE!!!
ShyteK
 
Thank you, shyteK. I really don't know how to feel. It's always changing with me. I know what it's like to be happy, whether it be chemically induced, or true...These mixed feelings don't go away though. They're always there. Always burrowing deeper inside of me, tearing me apart from the inside out. The subject can be so trivial later on when I think about it, I guess it doesn't matter though. I thought about using this forum as a way to vent, and unload myself. Now I'm not even sure if I want to do that, it's not very fair putting all my problems into the minds of others...To have them worry, or wonder. It's winter time here, and it looks to stay that way.
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I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll this time. I feel my luck could change. Kill me Sarah. Kill me again. With love...It's going to be a glorius day.
 
I get way down sometimes...specially lately whenever I don't have anything to do. Sometimes too much free time can make your brain go into a "hermit" mode...
 
yes yes yes
I know how you feel holy shyte. that's friggin so true.
Hey, man you are so LUCKY. REALLY
You have no idea how luck you are, - I think as you do as well,,
You are a REAL person man, REAL... you actually think about what the f' the world and existence and reality are....
Do you know ( I guess you do cuz you wouldn't fee the way you do ) how many people - all the rest of them - go their entire lives without one deep and meaningful question about the shit that really matters.
Dont feel left out, or an outcast. Feel blessed that you are not one of those useless, ignorant, unfeeling, unthinking, members of the masses of sheep who's only real concern is fitting in and being like every one else.
One more thing - those negative feelings are f'n awesome! how? because if you did not ever have them, how would you TRULY be able to ever recognize realandtrue happiness/pleasure? your experiences (good OR bad) are YOURS MAN, YOURS ALONE!! they are the only thing that you actually own in this world. everything else is just an irrelevant commodity.
thanx for your post man,,, it really touched home.
zoltar.
 
Thank you so much for those kind words. It's been a long time since I've gotten a complement like that. It's touching in more ways you would imagine. It's been a while since I've checked up on this post. With all the swirling of confusion that's been going on lately, I haven't had time to reply, or update how I'm feeling. One thing is for certain though, I've grown quite fond of the cold (in me, that is). Like you said, my thoughts are mine, and no one else can have them! That's what makes me who I am. A living, breathing, thinking organism who can tell the difference between what's really fucked up to what is considered a candy cane. Still though, I search for that happiness. We all have it somewhere. And, whether you believe it or not, the replies listed here have helped me considerately. I am what you would consider a loving hate machine, I suppose...
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I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll this time. I feel my luck could change. Kill me Sarah. Kill me again. With love...It's going to be a glorius day.
 
Just remember:-
It takes 42 muscles to frown when someone pisses you off, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap the mother fucker across the face.
-takes the same to smile.
-):PixieLoca
 
Just remember:-
It takes 42 muscles to frown when someone pisses you off, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap the mother fucker across the face.
-takes the same to smile.
-):PixieLoca
 
I totally agree with Zoltar.
If you think about it, content people don't do anything. It's the ones who are aware, angry, and other "negative" stuff who are going to change the world.
The same goes when you're in love. I don't know about the rest of you but I have had the idiotic tendency to drop everything I care about for someone else. I just get all happy. I guess we like happy (that's why we do e) but blind happiness is just worthless.
Negative energy is better than no energy.
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When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. -Leonardo DaVinci
 
I have only one thing to say about this topic anymore...Ranch dressing and oatmeal DO NOT mix. Trust me on this one, alright???
 
I COMPLETELY RELATE!!!
Here are a few excerpts from a story I've written a few days ago. If you can be bothered please read it. It's my opinion and my life summed up into an idea about the cruel world we live in.
A Prelude
I guess the most striking and the thing that amazes me more and more every day is the cruelty of life and the world that we live in. I am only beginning to realize now that everything in our life is one huge paradox created to hurt the mankind. A man invents a ship “to benefit the mankind” only to find out later that his loved one went away from him on that very same ship. That same man later goes on and makes an airplane, this time knowing the consequences, but not being able to do anything about them. After all an airplane will let him get to see the loved one who went away on the ship. Little does he realize that the airplane will take his love further away.
It was a long time that I was a puppet in the joke of life realizing little the downfalls of our world. A happy child from a middle class family living in one of the last surviving Communist countries and wholeheartedly loving my life. When the war split up the republics of former Yugoslavia I was still a very happy child with my friends and parents by my side. Then there was a few year’s long war during which I, along with a few million people dodged snipers, grenades and other very deadly objects in the morning and then play soccer in the afternoon. Little did I realize that I would leave my country and twice in two years make new friends, enemies and change four schools. Still I thought that life was a wonderful gift.
Then I got older. I don’t want to say grew up because they are two distinct things. I got older and started to register all the ugly things around me. I saw people, my parents and others living and working to pay bills and raise their children and allowing themselves a weekend in a month to have fun one way or another. Day by day I started to wonder “God is this life? Is this all there is to it?” Then I saw some shows on TV and I met some rich and prosperous people and I thought to myself, now look there, that is how you should live. Have lots of money and spend lots of it on having fun. More I saw more convinced I was that ninety percent of humanity was concerned with making the other ten percent live good and I was fine with that because it meant that I would have a one in ten chance of making it into “good side of life”. Ah, life is good after all.
Finally the dreaded cycle was completed. I grew up and the world came crushing down. No matter how many new good things I found or how many good old things I remembered I could not get that ugly feeling out of my chest. The feeling is still there and I don’t know if for the rest of my life I will be able to get rid of it. It came with the realization that ultimately all life, be it good or bad life, ends in death. Since I am a non-believer of any sort of existence of life after death this was a very shocking thought for my still young brain. No matter how hard I tried I could not let go of the idea that all my achievements no matter what they were would in the end disappear. There could be a memory left of me in some people’s heads or hearts, but ultimately that too would be gone, with them into the grave. And so the new era begun in my life. A depressive, but a reassuring era which made my life meaningless, but also gave me that invaluable freedom of action and freedom of thought. Because remember... whatever I did, it did not matter one little bit.
Some people would say to this, oh yeah it lets you have fun and you can spend your whole life just trying to be happy and live for the moment. That too was not true. The way I see it all the good and fun things in life are done for the purpose of the memory. I am a strict believer that you don’t enjoy a moment until it’s over so the thing that remains is a memory. Upon death however the memory dies too and nothing means anything anymore.
When I think back on it the above-described opinion really came together during the period of my life which I refer to as “the incompleteness in absence”. As I entered the final year of my high school education my ethics, ideals and morals started to change drastically. Some said it was the wrong time to start with a very hectic social life and others didn’t agree with the fact that at school I was doing science and music subjects and telling everyone that I would do humanities at University the following year. So many things didn’t compute inside my own head and I am not joking when I say that this period of my life was a lot scarier that my grenade and sniper dodging days. I was changing, fast and I didn’t know how I would end up. At that point I didn’t care, it was as if an invisible hand was leading me onto a certain path and I had to follow it. It was at this time that I desperately started searching for a way or a theory to justify my actions. After many nights of thinking I came up with the idea of life and memory ending at death (I did not believe in God for a long time before that – years ago I decided that it just wasn’t scientifically possible for God to exist and now I was using that to justify my change of preference from science to art). As you can gather I was a confused little boy. However I think that somewhere deep inside I still believed in “La vita bela”.
It was then that I came upon the “incompleteness in absence”. That was when my worlds completely collapsed and I realized that our society is designed and manipulated to hurt people. Life indeed was cruel.
****It continues into "Incompleteness in Absence" which talks about the love of my life leaving Australia ot go to England - but I will spare you the agony of reading my stuff. Hope you at least got through it***
[This message has been edited by Hamlet (edited 02 February 2000).]
 
Well I know what bliss is and I know what complete and utter misery is...
I can manage to sustain either within 10 minutes of each other..
reason being you ask.. Ill get to that..
I think the bottom line is that the ultimate happiness is LOVE.. and that is all there is to it.. when you are neak deep in it you giggle from seeing the persons face...
get the shakes when hugging them or being around them....
Lost without them...
As I said you can sustain either within 10 min of eachother....
If you want happiness (IMHO) you give your love to someone.. who returns it.. and you are sorted... alas this bliss does come at a price... if you loose that person that you gave your all too you will never be the same.. Im not..
Thats my clutch at it all
smile.gif

tray
 
I think Jhonen Vasquez said it best, "Happiness? Beautiful happiness. Ahhhh, yes, so RARE, so lovely like the beautiful stars and the dreaming moon...A rapturous alien sky after the oppressive shit-smear of clouds has broken; true pleasure, SMILE and FEEL it!! ...Don't let the beautiful moon set!! Capture it! Freeze it! Forever in time with never the memory of losing it to another day! IMMORTALIZE THE MOMENT"
It becomes harder sometimes though. Yes, we have our close ones, but nothing last forever. I'm just looking for an exit sign...
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I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll this time. I feel my luck could change. Kill me Sarah. Kill me again. With love...It's going to be a glorius day.
 
I think Jhonen Vasquez said it best, "Happiness? Beautiful happiness. Ahhhh, yes, so RARE, so lovely like the beautiful stars and the dreaming moon...A rapturous alien sky after the oppressive shit-smear of clouds has broken; true pleasure, SMILE and FEEL it!! ...Don't let the beautiful moon set!! Capture it! Freeze it! Forever in time with never the memory of losing it to another day! IMMORTALIZE THE MOMENT"
It becomes harder sometimes though. Yes, we have our close ones, but nothing last forever. I'm just looking for an exit sign...
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I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll this time. I feel my luck could change. Kill me Sarah. Kill me again. With love...It's going to be a glorius day.
 
indeed the feeling is mutual. you can make it back to that place of happines and love if you find that soul that belongs with you, i still havent but i will not give up no matter how shitty things get and belive me they get pretty bad. look and do not stop until you find him ar her to go with you to that place where you are free and happy at last together and with your friends all around feeling your freedome.
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oi,oi,oi
 
Every day when I wake up, the first thing I hope for is a better day. "One more like yesterday and I don't know what I'll do..." It tears me up, over and over and over again. I know what it feels like to be happy, completely content. Happiness...I've been there before, and it wasn't all that long ago. So how come now I find myself in the midst of darkness and emotional monsters each and every day? Possibly because I'm having trouble finding what it is I'm looking for. But at least now I know what that is. I guess I'm a coward though, cuz I never do anything about it. I'm too afraid of ending up with more pain and misery. So I stay here, and continue to let myself bleed.....But I shouldn't, and I know it.
Don't give up...ever. Fight for your happiness, and I promise that one day you will find it. True happiness, not that up and down roller coaster ride that only confuses you further. It'll still rain sometimes, but I swear there will be a rainbow after each shower. Just don't give up.
A few weeks ago, someone I love dearly came and told me it was the last time I was going to see him, that it was his last day here on Earth, that he was sick of breathing. My heart has never hurt so awfully in my entire life, because I could actually feel it breaking. It hurt me so much that I could not for the life of me make him see how many people loved him, how much I loved him, how many reasons he had to not do what he was about to do. And when he walked away, I felt so helpless, so scared, so heart broken, so angry.
I'm not saying you're at that point, because I don't know you and I don't know your situation. But to anyone and everyone who reads this, don't ever let yourself get to that point. Don't ever do that to someone. Because no matter what you may think, there is at least one person out there who loves you more than you ever imagined. Anyway...sorry if I'm rambling...but it hurts me to see people so sad, because I know how it feels, and I know the thoughts that go through my head, and it scares me. Because I also know what it's like to lose someone because they decided life wasn't worth it. Just find your happiness, whatever it may hide in, and I promise, it will be ok.
*Lots of love and snuggles*
Ski
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"Shine on you crazy diamond....."
 
Sometimes I'll lay in bed and imagine someone next to me. Someone just like me, a person sick and tired of the way life is. Someone just wanting to lose themselves within another's arms, and listen to their heartbeat. However, these thoughts aren't right. I tease myself, and think of other things, of a happy ending for me; but sadly fall asleep, knowing that it will never come. I've been doing this for the past month or two now, hugging my pillows tightly, and sometimes crying myself to sleep. Is my sadness just from being lonely? I don't know...I don't understand myself.
People are so complex. First glances leave the impression of simplicity, but then signs of actual intelligence start to shine through, and spread like a cancer...I realized how selfish I can sometimes be. Always consentrating on my problems; but others I come in contact suffer from the same thing. It's like a virus of teen angst, and it depresses me even more..because I'm not special, I'm just another kid adding to a problem that no one really gives a fuck about. I had a conversation with a guy today who was heavily into drugs during the late 80's, early 90's. What he told me frightened me. What we do to ourselves to make the pain go away...is it worth it? *Sighs*
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I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll this time. I feel my luck could change. Kill me Sarah. Kill me again. With love...It's going to be a glorius day.
 
I read all yours words and the same feelings and thoughts cross my mind as I read every line feeling the next as if I know what it will say. I decided to take a break this weekend, sit back and see what the rest of the world was really doing. Friends from my past, the years lost in a blur, eagerly took me out to what they thought was a good time. College, parties, bars, beer. what fun I thought as I sat sober and looked upon the excitment happening before me. She came up to me, I don't even know her name, with a question that seemed so real to me but oblivious to the real world.
"what makes you the way you are, so loving and different from all the others?" She couldn't figure out what made me so content and happy. I have been searching for something that would make me feel that very way for years, yet she saw it in me as did others. After a moment of soul searching I replied that I'm happy because I've seen the downfalls, the emptyness of the world and have been hurt. With such negative feelings and the real truth that I see every day I look towards tomorrow and to all of you that are lost reading this right now. We have the hearts that few get to see. We lie alone in bed crying to sleep wishing for that soul mate because we know what the world holds and what we really want. We are so lucky to realize those things unlike so many people that walk through every day of life conformed to society. Think about what you really have in life and see the beauty in your own flaws.
I speak no more because I know not what I say.
Jiggit,
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The only toy we will ever really
have is our minds.
 
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