Dear Mom,
You said goodbye to me as you walked towards your bedroom tonight, not knowing that it would be the last time speaking to me. I whispered 'I love you' but I don't think you heard. I looked at the clock...two more hours. I walked slowly towards my room. I cleaned it all for you. Hung up my clean clothes, rearranged the tops of my dressers, threw all my trash in the garbage can out in the kitchen. I was so quiet tonight, Mom. I didn't want you to wake up...didn't want you to know what was up. I made my bed too. I reached across my nice, warm, comfy bed and set my alarm clock for 9...I had to be at work by 11:30 the next day. I plugged my cell phone into it's charger and left Kaufmann's phone number on the nightstand. You'll need to call them in the morning, Mom. I won't be able to go in. I laid Sprinkles on my pillow. Could you please wash him and give him away to another little girl? I've had him for over 10 years and he gave me comfort when I needed him. It's time for someone else to have him. I don't really know who I want all my things to go to, Mom, and I doubt Marie or Amanda would fight over it or want to fight over it, so you can just give everything away. But when you see Amanda, give her Lindsey's Destiny Child's CD. I promised I'd give it back to her. Oh, I also took down all my pictures off my walls, except the one by my bed of me and you together. I wanted to look at it one last time. I didn't want you to be upset if you had to take them all down and just be reminded of me. I left my purse hanging by the dresser. My wallet is inside with my savings account number. You can take all the money in it...you deserve it more than I ever did, Mom. You can take all my jewelry and probably get some money for it also, since I owe you so much from bills. And with some of the leftover money, you could probably even pay off my school debt. You should probably let the school know I'm gone too. The keys to my car are in my purse also, so you might wanna take care of that too.
I know it's too late for goodbyes, but make sure you tell Lindsey and Allison I loved them so so much. And to Amanda and Marie, they gave me such great advice...I don't know what went wrong. But tell them it's not their faults at all. Could you maybe call Dad too? I mean, I know you don't like him, but I'd like it if You yourself did it, Mom. It would mean a lot to me. Tell Grandma Lena I'm sorry about New Year's last year. Tell Grandma Ruth I'm sorry her prayers didn't help more. Maybe get on my Yahoo account and send an overall e-mail with few details. But especially you, Mom. I'm sorry you can probably barely read this because the pages are so smudged from my tears. I'm sorry I made you cry. I'm sorry I made you mad. I'm sorry I spilled on your carpets or ate in the wrong room. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for not standing by you. I'm sorry for not taking your side. I'm sorry for the fights, for the rage, for the putdowns. I loved you and I always will, Mom. I'm sorry for disappointing you like I did. I'm sorry I wasn't like Marie or Amanda. I'm sorry for making you read this long letter. Please try not to cry though, Mom. I did enough for the both of us tonight. I walked to the kitchen one last time and opened up the cabinet right above the sink. I don't even recall what I grabbed. I just took the bottle and silently closed the cabinet. I'm sorry for taking your medicine. I looked around the kitchen one last time and walked towards the fridge, grabbed a bottle of water and walked into the living room one last time. I turned off the television that was hiding any noise I was making previously. The lights were turned off, Mom, so you don't have to worry about the electricity. I closed my bedroom door behind me and walked calmy to my bed, Mom. That's where I started writing this and this is where I'll be stopping. Just one last thing though before I go, Mom...I can't say it enough and I don't even think I'd ever understand why I'm doing this...but I love you and I'm sorry again.......
You said goodbye to me as you walked towards your bedroom tonight, not knowing that it would be the last time speaking to me. I whispered 'I love you' but I don't think you heard. I looked at the clock...two more hours. I walked slowly towards my room. I cleaned it all for you. Hung up my clean clothes, rearranged the tops of my dressers, threw all my trash in the garbage can out in the kitchen. I was so quiet tonight, Mom. I didn't want you to wake up...didn't want you to know what was up. I made my bed too. I reached across my nice, warm, comfy bed and set my alarm clock for 9...I had to be at work by 11:30 the next day. I plugged my cell phone into it's charger and left Kaufmann's phone number on the nightstand. You'll need to call them in the morning, Mom. I won't be able to go in. I laid Sprinkles on my pillow. Could you please wash him and give him away to another little girl? I've had him for over 10 years and he gave me comfort when I needed him. It's time for someone else to have him. I don't really know who I want all my things to go to, Mom, and I doubt Marie or Amanda would fight over it or want to fight over it, so you can just give everything away. But when you see Amanda, give her Lindsey's Destiny Child's CD. I promised I'd give it back to her. Oh, I also took down all my pictures off my walls, except the one by my bed of me and you together. I wanted to look at it one last time. I didn't want you to be upset if you had to take them all down and just be reminded of me. I left my purse hanging by the dresser. My wallet is inside with my savings account number. You can take all the money in it...you deserve it more than I ever did, Mom. You can take all my jewelry and probably get some money for it also, since I owe you so much from bills. And with some of the leftover money, you could probably even pay off my school debt. You should probably let the school know I'm gone too. The keys to my car are in my purse also, so you might wanna take care of that too.
I know it's too late for goodbyes, but make sure you tell Lindsey and Allison I loved them so so much. And to Amanda and Marie, they gave me such great advice...I don't know what went wrong. But tell them it's not their faults at all. Could you maybe call Dad too? I mean, I know you don't like him, but I'd like it if You yourself did it, Mom. It would mean a lot to me. Tell Grandma Lena I'm sorry about New Year's last year. Tell Grandma Ruth I'm sorry her prayers didn't help more. Maybe get on my Yahoo account and send an overall e-mail with few details. But especially you, Mom. I'm sorry you can probably barely read this because the pages are so smudged from my tears. I'm sorry I made you cry. I'm sorry I made you mad. I'm sorry I spilled on your carpets or ate in the wrong room. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'm sorry for not standing by you. I'm sorry for not taking your side. I'm sorry for the fights, for the rage, for the putdowns. I loved you and I always will, Mom. I'm sorry for disappointing you like I did. I'm sorry I wasn't like Marie or Amanda. I'm sorry for making you read this long letter. Please try not to cry though, Mom. I did enough for the both of us tonight. I walked to the kitchen one last time and opened up the cabinet right above the sink. I don't even recall what I grabbed. I just took the bottle and silently closed the cabinet. I'm sorry for taking your medicine. I looked around the kitchen one last time and walked towards the fridge, grabbed a bottle of water and walked into the living room one last time. I turned off the television that was hiding any noise I was making previously. The lights were turned off, Mom, so you don't have to worry about the electricity. I closed my bedroom door behind me and walked calmy to my bed, Mom. That's where I started writing this and this is where I'll be stopping. Just one last thing though before I go, Mom...I can't say it enough and I don't even think I'd ever understand why I'm doing this...but I love you and I'm sorry again.......
