SO GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU BEENBETTER! And I'm so glad you are doing well. I think you made a great decision going down to the Keys and getting your head straight. I think a good couple of days of reset is all anyone needs (in the beginning), and the key is being away from the drugs completely during this time whether it be rehab, vacation, whatever. Rehab would've cost you an arm and a leg too, probably much less than your trip to the Keys cost. It sounds like it did you a world of good. Depression is something I deal with as well. I had a hard week last week, depression wise, myself. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but my ex is also in a crummy place in life as well which has affected me some. He's a chemist and had a great career going until he got laid off last October and hasn't been working since. He moved home with his family (who are terrible people who I've never gotten along with) and its made his life hell. When we broke up, we vowed to both work on the problems in our relationship, me getting clean and him finding work/independence again and last Thursday I just finally got frustrated with him. I felt like I've done all this work over the past 3 1/2 months, getting clean and going to therapy..working on my co dependency issues and learning to be ok alone, while he hasn't done shit. He literally plays World of Warcraft all day for 12+ hours at a time, I told him he's become a living breathing stereotype. I told him I was reaching a point where I didn't know if I should continue to hold on to "us" or start to think about truly moving on because I didn't see anything getting any better. He agreed, he too is frustrated not working and living at home, but he also said something to me that he hasn't said in these almost 4 months we've been apart...he told me he's holding on to "us" still, he didn't want either of us to move on, and he wants us to get back together..and sooner than later. It brought tears to my eyes. I had a feeling he hadn't given up on us, but hearing him say it was a true relief. And..miraculously...the day later...he got a job offer! He had done a few interviews recently, thinking none had worked out since he hadn't heard anything, and then he got an offer letter! The job is perfect for him and paying more than he's ever been paid before. Today. he officially accepted it
So..things are really looking up for us. We're planning on seeing each other in the next couple of days and I absolutely cannot wait! Thank you so much for your prayers, beenbetter, I'm not religious at all so I'm glad someone's telling God about me
This may sound weird, because its a celebrity and someone I've never met, but Anthony Bourdain's suicide last week really stuck with me. I spent a good portion of Friday with a dark cloud over me. I've been a huge fan of his for most of my adult life and felt very connected to him as he, too, is an addict (former heroin user) and dealt with depression quite openly. I had always thought of him as someone who "made it out" of the crummy depressed, drug addict lifestyle and who was happy and successful. Having him kill himself really hit me hard. You hear all of these former addicts say how happy they are without drugs and whatnot, but his suicide made me think "well shit, was he really happy? are any former addicts truly happy when they quit?". I spoke to my ex about this some, he reminded me that I have no idea what was going on in his life and why he did what he did, and to not assume that a life full of depression was what awaited me as I continue to abstain from hard drugs. I know he's right, I'm sure there was much more at play in Tony B's life than the world knows, it just created a pretty negative thought pattern in me. I was so close to using Friday, I really was, but I didn't...and I"m really freaking proud of that. One of my dope boys has been blowing me up this past weekend..I finally just blocked his new number (already had his last one blocked, but I guess since he got a new number he thought he'd try and get me again). I haven't been keeping track of how many days I've been completely clean this time (22 I believe, now that I'm looking at the calendar), but I'm not disregarding my previous clean time. Even my relapse has been part of this recovery process...so, all in all, its almost 4 months in recovery.
s&em, are you still going on just the subs? I meant to ask in my last post, how are you feeling? I'm prescribed 16mg subs and I've recently been trying just 8mg and I'm actually feeling much better on this dosage. I had heard that less is more when it comes to subs, and boy is that true. I'm actually finding the cravings less on this amount..strange medication, I swear. How many days have you got now? Sorry to make my last reply so self centered I meant to ask all of this then. 3 days IS a big deal! I know once I have made it to 3 days without dope, it gets so much easier from there. Both times I've gotten on subs, day 4 was when I started to feel like a real human again.
beenbetter, have you sat down and talked to your wife about this stuff? Like REALLY talked to her? Women love letters and signs that their man truly cares...have you thought about writing her a letter to tell her how you feel? I think she would really appreciate hearing you apologize for your past actions and your future plans of sobriety. Maybe some flowers with it..haha. We women are suckers for these kinds of things.
Thanks again everyone for your continued support. I woke up in a great mood today and have a feeling that its going to be an excellent week!
. So I gave up and said, fuck it I'll reply next time I'm at work (I never get on my laptop at home), but I've been so completely swamped with work lately. That, along with a new boss who likes to be nosy about what I'm doing on my work computer, have kept me away this past week but I'm back and I have great news: I'm back on, and totes stable on the subs again!!