Hey guys!
Well, as much as I would like to tell you guys I've been doing well...sadly, this is NOT the case :/
A little more than 2 weeks ago, after working a festival for a few days, I was hurting and exhausted and had a shitload of money and..decided to score
We all know how this went. I had every intention of making it a one time thing, and getting back on my subs the next day like I did during my first one-time relapse, but sadly this isn't what happened. Turns out, the subs had brought my tolerance down significantly so just a little bit of dope got me sky high. I woke up the next morning still high af and with a lot of dope still left (I bought a gram), so I decided to not take my sub that morning and finish the bag. Well, this turned into a 9 day binge, all the while still going to the clinic to get my subs. but spitting them out and saving them for later.
I didn't tell anyone about this relapse..none of my friends, family, my therapist, or the ex..this was my little secret. Being single, I found it so much easier to hide my shady activity since I don't really have anyone keeping tabs on me (minus the ex, who does so mainly by text messaging..and it's easy to hide active use when you're only seeing what someone is typing_). Luckily, I came to my senses about a week in and told myself that while this was my little secret for now, I would eventually be found out and my life would continue to spiral out of control. I decided I would stop using at 7pm this past Thursday (5/17) night, after work of course, and then try and get back on subs Friday once I felt I was in significant wd again. I decided to start myself off with only 8 mg (I was taking 16 mg before my relapse), bc I was using far less dope this time than I was the first time I inducted (using one gram a day or less now, back then was using 2+ g a day). Well, I did what I said I would and stopped use Thursday night at 7pm and ended up feeling ok that night and sleeping ok. I woke up Friday and still felt ok...I knew I wasn't ready to induct. So, I went to the clinic as usual, and spit out my subs and waited till I was in true wd to take them...or what I thought was pure wd. I went to work and started to feel really shitty about an hour and a half into the day so I ended up taking 8mg. About 30 minutes later...SEVERE precipitated withdrawal began...at work. I got up out of my desk and tried to act as normal as possible, but sweat was pouring down my face, my nose was dripping snot, and I felt like I would throw up. My anxiety was through the roof at this point as well. I took a walk around the building to try and move past this but I kept projectile vomiting. I came back to the office and made some excuse about having to take a long lunch with my dad that day and got the f out of there and drove straight to my dealers. I picked up a gram (well, it was supposed to be...my dealer shorted me bc he's an asshole and it only ended up probably being a half g) and almost immediately felt better after snorting a couple lines. I git back to work by the end of my lunch break and made it through the rest of the day with ease. I felt so guilty for having to do that, but I don't regret it...I probably would've lost my job if I had stayed like that the rest of the day.
So, I decided not to let this deter me and I promised myself I would still continue to take the subs each morning even if I felt like shit and eventually I would make it through. So far, I haven't been successful in not scoring even though I'm back to taking my subs. Saturday, I woke up feeling pretty good, took another 8mg and, as soon as that kicked in, I felt awful. Scored some much weaker dope from another dealer that didn't get my high but took away the wds. Sunday, woke up feeling pretty awful and took 16mg..which made me feel even worse. I tried to resist, but ended up scoring more of the weak dope. Same thing happened, it wasn't enough to get me high but it took away the wds. So, here I am today. I went to the clinic this am and took another 16mg. Well, it's been over an hour since I took them and I'm feeling about the same as I did when I woke up (not bad!), so I'm hoping I've made it through. My goal is to make it through today without scoring at all..,bc I know I need a few totally clean days to feel normal again, it's just hard to get there.
I'm trying to take this as a learning lesson and not be too hard on myself. I'm fortunate I didn't let my binge get way out of control and go on for months or something. I still haven't told anyone about this relapse (except yall!) and I don't know if I will. I know I should, but everyone's so damn proud of me and my ex and I's relationship is getting closer and closer to reconciliation..I know if I told him, it'd be like starting from day 1 again and I don't know if I can handle that. I'm really hoping today is the day I'm finally back on track. Sorry to disappoint all of you rooting for me so hard..I've been avoiding this site bc I didn't want to have to talk about this, but it's time.
This drug has way more power over me than I originally thought...but I'm gonna kick its ass, believe me!
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
But I do believe that every single time you get yourself back on track you are smarter, stronger and more resilient.
