Man, it's been four years since I wrote in my blog here at Bluelight and it seems like a lot has changed since then. But I feel like I really need to start writing again, and since I've documented bits and pieces of my story here I figured this is the platform to continue on. I kinda like reading back through the years, seeing where I was and where I've traveled too.
It's Feburary 3rd, 2020 and I am living in a transitional/sober living community. On August 5th, 2019 I voluntarily admitted myself into a long term rehabilitation treatment program. I completed three months of residential treatment and transferred into the transitional living community here on camps. It's really nice; I have my own three bedroom house for about 1/3-1/4 of the going rent prices in the city I live in. I've been here for about three months and I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon. Of course I am randomly UA'd and breathalyzed, have a campus wide curfew I have to abide by and I don't have the freedom to just leave campus whenever I feel like it, and I also still have group requirements and such to adhere to but I really don't mind it. It's helping me tremendously-helping me to create new habits and re-wire the circuitry in my brain so I'll grow stronger for when I finally decide to move out. If I decided I wanted to move out tomorrow I could coin out and be done with the program but I feel that if I stay longer the benefits I'll reap outweigh the rules and regulations that can be bothersome at times. I'm working on repairing the relationship that I completely trashed, the one with my daughter's father. When I went off the deep end with alcohol I promptly burned that bridge right to the ground. The kindling that fueled the fire of my addictions had been stoking for many many years before I finally burned white hot, and when I did everything around me caught fire. I didn't seem to care at all-I thought it was funny that I woke up needing to take a drink every few hours, or that I had a seizure and bit half my tongue off landing in a five day coma-like it was a badge of honor. How stupid was I? Pretty fucking stupid. I let myself fall prey to a very abusive relationship-the guy helped me rack up a $7, 415 bill that I owe to one of the realty companies I rented from in 2017-18. He would get drunk and angry and throw heavy shit at my head, missing my a few inches and take out the fridge, or the stove, or he'd punch a few holes in the wall or break a window. He would always apologize and say he'd fix it or pay for it, but he never did and I'm stuck with the bill on my credit report. Thus yet another reason I'm staying put because I don't think anyone would rent to me with the way my credit it right now. But I can't really blame anyone but myself. When I finally was down to my last few milligrams of methadone I needed to jump off I found myself highly dependent on alcohol. The years of anger, rage, pain, trauma just finally bubbled up to the surface and broke through. Had I not went through the fire of rock bottom I wouldn't have burned all that off and found the help that I so truly needed as the addiction and lifestyle that came with it was all just a symptom of something deeper. Being here, in rehab has allowed me the time and space to really work on myself. To heal decades old pains and traumas and to unearth hidden demons that I thought would just always live inside me. I'm grateful for this new opportunity to live life without masking feeling. On January 31st I celebrated six months of complete sobriety. I've NEVER had that. Since I picked up smoking pot when i was 13 I never went more than a few days without getting high one way or another. Even through pregnancy and childbirth I was at least stoned. I've got nothing against cannabis, and when I move out of sober living I plan on smoking cannabis again, but for right now, I'm ok with not. I also plan on reintroducing psychedelics into my world. I've also kicked cigarettes...I do use a vape for nicotine, which I'm happy with and don't plan on giving up if I don't have to. Well, for now, that's it. Just a quick update for my own records. I do hope to start writing in my blog more often, but we'll see how that goes. I'm keeping myself pretty busy with work, recovery groups, crossfit and my kids. But hopefully I'll find time to write, as the outlet is a great one for me personally. Off to group I go now.
~cheers~
It's Feburary 3rd, 2020 and I am living in a transitional/sober living community. On August 5th, 2019 I voluntarily admitted myself into a long term rehabilitation treatment program. I completed three months of residential treatment and transferred into the transitional living community here on camps. It's really nice; I have my own three bedroom house for about 1/3-1/4 of the going rent prices in the city I live in. I've been here for about three months and I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon. Of course I am randomly UA'd and breathalyzed, have a campus wide curfew I have to abide by and I don't have the freedom to just leave campus whenever I feel like it, and I also still have group requirements and such to adhere to but I really don't mind it. It's helping me tremendously-helping me to create new habits and re-wire the circuitry in my brain so I'll grow stronger for when I finally decide to move out. If I decided I wanted to move out tomorrow I could coin out and be done with the program but I feel that if I stay longer the benefits I'll reap outweigh the rules and regulations that can be bothersome at times. I'm working on repairing the relationship that I completely trashed, the one with my daughter's father. When I went off the deep end with alcohol I promptly burned that bridge right to the ground. The kindling that fueled the fire of my addictions had been stoking for many many years before I finally burned white hot, and when I did everything around me caught fire. I didn't seem to care at all-I thought it was funny that I woke up needing to take a drink every few hours, or that I had a seizure and bit half my tongue off landing in a five day coma-like it was a badge of honor. How stupid was I? Pretty fucking stupid. I let myself fall prey to a very abusive relationship-the guy helped me rack up a $7, 415 bill that I owe to one of the realty companies I rented from in 2017-18. He would get drunk and angry and throw heavy shit at my head, missing my a few inches and take out the fridge, or the stove, or he'd punch a few holes in the wall or break a window. He would always apologize and say he'd fix it or pay for it, but he never did and I'm stuck with the bill on my credit report. Thus yet another reason I'm staying put because I don't think anyone would rent to me with the way my credit it right now. But I can't really blame anyone but myself. When I finally was down to my last few milligrams of methadone I needed to jump off I found myself highly dependent on alcohol. The years of anger, rage, pain, trauma just finally bubbled up to the surface and broke through. Had I not went through the fire of rock bottom I wouldn't have burned all that off and found the help that I so truly needed as the addiction and lifestyle that came with it was all just a symptom of something deeper. Being here, in rehab has allowed me the time and space to really work on myself. To heal decades old pains and traumas and to unearth hidden demons that I thought would just always live inside me. I'm grateful for this new opportunity to live life without masking feeling. On January 31st I celebrated six months of complete sobriety. I've NEVER had that. Since I picked up smoking pot when i was 13 I never went more than a few days without getting high one way or another. Even through pregnancy and childbirth I was at least stoned. I've got nothing against cannabis, and when I move out of sober living I plan on smoking cannabis again, but for right now, I'm ok with not. I also plan on reintroducing psychedelics into my world. I've also kicked cigarettes...I do use a vape for nicotine, which I'm happy with and don't plan on giving up if I don't have to. Well, for now, that's it. Just a quick update for my own records. I do hope to start writing in my blog more often, but we'll see how that goes. I'm keeping myself pretty busy with work, recovery groups, crossfit and my kids. But hopefully I'll find time to write, as the outlet is a great one for me personally. Off to group I go now.
~cheers~
