a neverending story..

This morning (this evening at 5) I was woken by mgs telling me I need to wake up.

I thought to myself, to what? I havent left my house but 2 times in the last 3 weeks. My life has been looking for a job.. studying for the assessment test and crying. I mean I cannot even orgasm nor can I stomach more than one meal a day (if you can even call it one meal).

MGS just sits in front of his computer and listens to head phones-- every once in a while will ask a provocating question that usually causes more harm then good...

I don't feel like I even exist right now. Apparently as MGS says that "all of the people he told about my situation don't believe it will get better."

So after he left the room, I cried under my pillows, and drifted into a light sleep and dreamed about cutting my wrists from elbow to wrist- but instead of blood - inside my arm was some of my paintings. Weird, and very disturbing.

I woke, and cried again at how fucked up my dream was, and became angry at myself, at my life, at everything. I said "The world turned its back on me, and I don't care about the world."​

 

Wow. What a hurtful thing to say. No situation, good or bad, is permanent. Life sucks right now, but you are working toward clear, measurable goals, and that's a lot more than most people can say. It seems to me that due to your current situation, you not only have a lot of free time, but are also very focused inward. While this is fine in small doses, in very large doses it can be toxic.

After I got my degree, and got sick of working horrible service jobs, I wound up spending nearly a year unemployed. I was in a similar situation, although I didn't have an assessment exam to study for-- just looking for work when there wasn't anything to be had. It was great to be able to sleep in until whenever, do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, but more often than not I just wound up doing next to nothing. The less you do, the less you want to do, and over time my motivation level was decreasing to the point where I felt that I couldn't do anything.

What helped? Getting out of the house. Getting exercise whenever I could. Finding projects to work on. Free time is a blessing, although it can seem burdensome when there is an excess of it. You're a highly creative person WV, surely you could try to use this time to your benefit. You can't study all the time, and it really helps to shift gears. Draw something every day, or do an exercise where you take 60 seconds to draw something, and repeat for a half hour. Tiring, but it teaches you to capture the essence of your subject. I can't draw worth anything, and I've found these to be great fun.

Most important is to get out of the house and get some exercise. Daily walks, even if it's just to the store to get a loaf of bread, make a world of difference. I seem to recall some photos of you in a forest a while ago-- why not go exploring? People tend to hide from Winter, I say bundle up and experience it. Bring a little point-and-shoot camera; it helps to have an excuse to really look around and appreciate the beauty that surrounds us but which we learn to tune out.

And while it is tough to do so when you're feeling low, eat. I've been in situations where even when I forced myself to eat a bit I would be so upset that it wouldn't stay around, but all that meant is that I had to eat small meals more often. It's a good habit to get into anyway. Make sure that you get a little protein and some veggies and/or fruit at each meal, even if it's just half an apple and a couple bites of cheese, you'll be okay as long as you eat something every few hours. I've found that feeling hungry (as well as tired) can easily lead to depression, demotivation and the dreaded apathy in those who are prone to the above.

At the very least, you haven't become apathetic. Someone once said that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy, and that's something that I've found to be quite true. Apathy is something that I've had to struggle with, and often comes with extended demotivation. Cry. Cry often. Be worried if your situation doesn't change and yet you stop crying.

Do take care WV, and feel free to PM me if you need to vent or what have you. You can and will pull out of this funk, and will be stronger for having weathered it.