Desperate A Meth Addiction. What Does One Do ?

[Crystal Clouds]

I’ve been using crystal Meth for four going on five years and this drug has wrecked havoc upon my life and mental state to say the very least. I’m actually seriously considering suicide because it seems like the only true way out of this mess i find myself living.

i inject my meth and the doses are getting so monstrous i visibly “tweak” while the rush is still hitting me which is granted 30 minutes to an hour. I’m at about 0.35 - 0.5 every dose and it’s not terrible gear , neither is it top notch however. I’ve been called a “vet” by the entire homeless population in town (who know me very well) and i’m only 19. I rush for my hourish and think to myself “why would i ever stop this drug ?” then go about my day with energy and vigor , happy to just exist. by the time it’s time for bed i hate myself and my life thinking “why am i doing this / how am i ever going to stop this ?”

meth makes me into two different people depending on the high. either horny and completely antisocial where i tend to just masturbate alone in my room to porn or pornographic photos , most of the time both at the same time or very social and yippie , ready to do anything and everything all at once. because of this i can never predict my own behaviors and feel out of control most of the time. in the passenger seat if you will.

when antisocial i lose most of my friends because i’d rather just masturbate than talk to people or strengthen my friendships , but when social everyone wants to be around me and i make friends like the snap of a finger because “i’m fun”

i really don’t know who i am anymore , it feels like i’m a persona of methamphetamine and bipolar rather than who i was born to be.

nobody knows i use besides my family and anyone i trust to keep my dark little secret and most are shocked to hear it because i function very well under the influence and use in hiding. i hold down a job perfectly fine and actually my performance dips everytime i put the drug down for a period of time.

i’ve been homeless for the drug , lost girlfriends for the drug , lost friends for the drug , lost peoples love and affection for the drug , and so so much more , all for another stupid shot. i feel so isolated and trapped which seems like it was the motive of meth to do that to me all along. I’ve built my life up and destroyed it then built it up again and destroyed it again and again. i’m so exhausted by the cycle , it’s the only thing i know for certain will happen .. another “rock bottom”. i’ve even come to the conclusion that “rock bottom” is a fallacy as everytime i think i’m there , i’m able to build back stronger only to fall back down harder.

sex and meth have become one. i’ve never had sex sober in my life because i started using meth at 15 and didn’t even lose my virginity until 16. i’m horrified of sober sex because apparently it is not normal to last infinitely and ultimately choose when you finally bust one. if i were to quit , it’d be as if the were once again a virgin which would destroy my already broken and fragile ego and self-esteem.

when i’m not using i’m just not enjoying life. i can go days , even weeks without meth but it’s always on my mind and i eventually give in. the longest i’ve ever lasted sober was four and a half months and that was with the aid of a 90 day rehab so my stint of sobriety was really just a month and a half if we cancel out the stay at the rehab which was lockdown with 24/7 eyes on me so there was no way i was using anyway. i constantly think to myself “wouldn't this be so much more enjoyable with meth ?” or when i’m up already i think “i could probably use another shot , i’m not rushing anymore.” meth is intruding my every thought.

my problem is i don’t know how to live without this damned drug. if i’m not on i feel off. i can’t listen to music sober , can’t have sex sober , can’t even get out of bed for hours and hours sober.

i’ve tried NA , but the meeting hall is a block away from my pickup spot so even when i have the best intentions of going to a meeting i find myself picking up again. i’ve tried rehabs but because of my age and naïveté i end up getting kicked out for fraternizing almost every time if not for the fact i use in the rehabs or generally just have bad behavior or trouble following simple rules. i’ve tried relocating but i just get intertwined with the homeless population of my new city and wind up back where i started. i’ve tried what seems like everything in the book but there’s always some reason that seems so valid to go back to meth everytime. always. I’m open to suggestions and maybe that’s why i’m making this post. because right now all i can see as a way out is just to kill myself once and for all (i have three failed attempts under my belt already)

someone help so i can help myself. i don’t want to die but maybe that’s what meth wants for me and i just do as a the shard guides.

 

[washingtonbound]

I’ve been using crystal Meth for four going on five years and this drug has wrecked havoc upon my life and mental state to say the very least. I’m actually seriously considering suicide because it seems like the only true way out of this mess i find myself living.

i inject my meth and the doses are getting so monstrous i visibly “tweak” while the rush is still hitting me which is granted 30 minutes to an hour. I’m at about 0.35 - 0.5 every dose and it’s not terrible gear , neither is it top notch however. I’ve been called a “vet” by the entire homeless population in town (who know me very well) and i’m only 19. I rush for my hourish and think to myself “why would i ever stop this drug ?” then go about my day with energy and vigor , happy to just exist. by the time it’s time for bed i hate myself and my life thinking “why am i doing this / how am i ever going to stop this ?”

meth makes me into two different people depending on the high. either horny and completely antisocial where i tend to just masturbate alone in my room to porn or pornographic photos , most of the time both at the same time or very social and yippie , ready to do anything and everything all at once. because of this i can never predict my own behaviors and feel out of control most of the time. in the passenger seat if you will.

when antisocial i lose most of my friends because i’d rather just masturbate than talk to people or strengthen my friendships , but when social everyone wants to be around me and i make friends like the snap of a finger because “i’m fun”

i really don’t know who i am anymore , it feels like i’m a persona of methamphetamine and bipolar rather than who i was born to be.

nobody knows i use besides my family and anyone i trust to keep my dark little secret and most are shocked to hear it because i function very well under the influence and use in hiding. i hold down a job perfectly fine and actually my performance dips everytime i put the drug down for a period of time.

i’ve been homeless for the drug , lost girlfriends for the drug , lost friends for the drug , lost peoples love and affection for the drug , and so so much more , all for another stupid shot. i feel so isolated and trapped which seems like it was the motive of meth to do that to me all along. I’ve built my life up and destroyed it then built it up again and destroyed it again and again. i’m so exhausted by the cycle , it’s the only thing i know for certain will happen .. another “rock bottom”. i’ve even come to the conclusion that “rock bottom” is a fallacy as everytime i think i’m there , i’m able to build back stronger only to fall back down harder.

sex and meth have become one. i’ve never had sex sober in my life because i started using meth at 15 and didn’t even lose my virginity until 16. i’m horrified of sober sex because apparently it is not normal to last infinitely and ultimately choose when you finally bust one. if i were to quit , it’d be as if the were once again a virgin which would destroy my already broken and fragile ego and self-esteem.

when i’m not using i’m just not enjoying life. i can go days , even weeks without meth but it’s always on my mind and i eventually give in. the longest i’ve ever lasted sober was four and a half months and that was with the aid of a 90 day rehab so my stint of sobriety was really just a month and a half if we cancel out the stay at the rehab which was lockdown with 24/7 eyes on me so there was no way i was using anyway. i constantly think to myself “wouldn't this be so much more enjoyable with meth ?” or when i’m up already i think “i could probably use another shot , i’m not rushing anymore.” meth is intruding my every thought.

my problem is i don’t know how to live without this damned drug. if i’m not on i feel off. i can’t listen to music sober , can’t have sex sober , can’t even get out of bed for hours and hours sober.

i’ve tried NA , but the meeting hall is a block away from my pickup spot so even when i have the best intentions of going to a meeting i find myself picking up again. i’ve tried rehabs but because of my age and naïveté i end up getting kicked out for fraternizing almost every time if not for the fact i use in the rehabs or generally just have bad behavior or trouble following simple rules. i’ve tried relocating but i just get intertwined with the homeless population of my new city and wind up back where i started. i’ve tried what seems like everything in the book but there’s always some reason that seems so valid to go back to meth everytime. always. I’m open to suggestions and maybe that’s why i’m making this post. because right now all i can see as a way out is just to kill myself once and for all (i have three failed attempts under my belt already)

someone help so i can help myself. i don’t want to die but maybe that’s what meth wants for me and i just do as a the shard guides.

You’re only 19, your whole life is ahead of you. Don’t let a substance fool you into thinking it’s over because it’s not. The issue with meth and other drugs like it is that it plays tricks on you and makes everything seem more dire on the comedown. As attached as you are to the experience, it’s important to realize it’s not authentic in the sense that you’re artificially flooding the brain with chemicals that should be produced naturally, hence why it’s difficult to get used to sobriety when the brain is trying to recover. Trust me you want to quit while you’re still really young so it doesn’t wreak havoc in your adult life. I’m 28 and still paying for bad decisions I made primarily from 18-24 when my drug abuse was the highest.

If you are spiraling downward now and your addiction is getting out of control where you are, maybe consider going to rehab in another state and relocate permanently to a smaller town without a big homeless issue. Just my advice because sometimes it’s necessary to totally change your environment to get yourself on the right track, especially if your dealer is right next to the NA meetings like you mentioned.

 

[deficiT]

I agree with what was said above. You're young and still have plenty of time to get through this and build a normal life. You might find that you have to go to a long term rehab to put enough distance between you and the drug.

The use might be difficult to get away from and you might feel like shit when you don't get high, but that is not permanent. Your life is only going to get harder and harder the more you spiral into a cycle of heavy daily use. It can get a LOT worse. The only thing that reflects "rock bottom" is when you stop digging the hole. I'm 31 and it's taken me years to get my life together after a long period of using meth. It's not fun at all and life is extremely difficult. If I could go back in time and tell myself to not fuck around with drugs so heavily, I would.

Try and see a mental health professional to sort out why it is that you're using so much. Find friends that are sober, NA meetings do help with that. Eventually you'll have to take your will back from the drug, because for now you are living just to use, and that will end up being an empty life.

Hope you're able to find some help and resources. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to.

 

[snmfmy]

I’ve been using crystal Meth for four going on five years and this drug has wrecked havoc upon my life and mental state to say the very least. I’m actually seriously considering suicide because it seems like the only true way out of this mess i find myself living.

i’ve tried NA , but the meeting hall is a block away from my pickup spot so even when i have the best intentions of going to a meeting i find myself picking up again. i’ve tried rehabs but because of my age and naïveté i end up getting kicked out for fraternizing almost every time if not for the fact i use in the rehabs or generally just have bad behavior or trouble following simple rules. i’ve tried relocating but i just get intertwined with the homeless population of my new city and wind up back where i started. i’ve tried what seems like everything in the book but there’s always some reason that seems so valid to go back to meth everytime. always. I’m open to suggestions and maybe that’s why i’m making this post. because right now all i can see as a way out is just to kill myself once and for all (i have three failed attempts under my belt already)

someone help so i can help myself. i don’t want to die but maybe that’s what meth wants for me and i just do as a the shard guides.

You need to get on some sort of psychotropic medication that has been shown to reduce methamphetamine/ stimulant craving and abuse.

Three pop to mind immediately duloxetine, fenfluramine, and bupropion otherwise known as Wellbutrin. Combined with low dose naltrexone, bupropion has been found to be effective in reducing stimulant craving and abuse.

Another benefit of the above named medications is that taken in combination along with an alpha beta blocker, you can't get high from meth unless you take a ridiculously high dose.

Dopamine antagonists in combination with SSRIs and adrenergic receptor blockers abolish the subjective effects of methamphetamine and some other stimulants.

 

[TJ5]

I’ve been using crystal Meth for four going on five years and this drug has wrecked havoc upon my life and mental state to say the very least. I’m actually seriously considering suicide because it seems like the only true way out of this mess i find myself living.

i inject my meth and the doses are getting so monstrous i visibly “tweak” while the rush is still hitting me which is granted 30 minutes to an hour. I’m at about 0.35 - 0.5 every dose and it’s not terrible gear , neither is it top notch however. I’ve been called a “vet” by the entire homeless population in town (who know me very well) and i’m only 19. I rush for my hourish and think to myself “why would i ever stop this drug ?” then go about my day with energy and vigor , happy to just exist. by the time it’s time for bed i hate myself and my life thinking “why am i doing this / how am i ever going to stop this ?”

meth makes me into two different people depending on the high. either horny and completely antisocial where i tend to just masturbate alone in my room to porn or pornographic photos , most of the time both at the same time or very social and yippie , ready to do anything and everything all at once. because of this i can never predict my own behaviors and feel out of control most of the time. in the passenger seat if you will.

when antisocial i lose most of my friends because i’d rather just masturbate than talk to people or strengthen my friendships , but when social everyone wants to be around me and i make friends like the snap of a finger because “i’m fun”

i really don’t know who i am anymore , it feels like i’m a persona of methamphetamine and bipolar rather than who i was born to be.

nobody knows i use besides my family and anyone i trust to keep my dark little secret and most are shocked to hear it because i function very well under the influence and use in hiding. i hold down a job perfectly fine and actually my performance dips everytime i put the drug down for a period of time.

i’ve been homeless for the drug , lost girlfriends for the drug , lost friends for the drug , lost peoples love and affection for the drug , and so so much more , all for another stupid shot. i feel so isolated and trapped which seems like it was the motive of meth to do that to me all along. I’ve built my life up and destroyed it then built it up again and destroyed it again and again. i’m so exhausted by the cycle , it’s the only thing i know for certain will happen .. another “rock bottom”. i’ve even come to the conclusion that “rock bottom” is a fallacy as everytime i think i’m there , i’m able to build back stronger only to fall back down harder.

sex and meth have become one. i’ve never had sex sober in my life because i started using meth at 15 and didn’t even lose my virginity until 16. i’m horrified of sober sex because apparently it is not normal to last infinitely and ultimately choose when you finally bust one. if i were to quit , it’d be as if the were once again a virgin which would destroy my already broken and fragile ego and self-esteem.

when i’m not using i’m just not enjoying life. i can go days , even weeks without meth but it’s always on my mind and i eventually give in. the longest i’ve ever lasted sober was four and a half months and that was with the aid of a 90 day rehab so my stint of sobriety was really just a month and a half if we cancel out the stay at the rehab which was lockdown with 24/7 eyes on me so there was no way i was using anyway. i constantly think to myself “wouldn't this be so much more enjoyable with meth ?” or when i’m up already i think “i could probably use another shot , i’m not rushing anymore.” meth is intruding my every thought.

my problem is i don’t know how to live without this damned drug. if i’m not on i feel off. i can’t listen to music sober , can’t have sex sober , can’t even get out of bed for hours and hours sober.

i’ve tried NA , but the meeting hall is a block away from my pickup spot so even when i have the best intentions of going to a meeting i find myself picking up again. i’ve tried rehabs but because of my age and naïveté i end up getting kicked out for fraternizing almost every time if not for the fact i use in the rehabs or generally just have bad behavior or trouble following simple rules. i’ve tried relocating but i just get intertwined with the homeless population of my new city and wind up back where i started. i’ve tried what seems like everything in the book but there’s always some reason that seems so valid to go back to meth everytime. always. I’m open to suggestions and maybe that’s why i’m making this post. because right now all i can see as a way out is just to kill myself once and for all (i have three failed attempts under my belt already)

someone help so i can help myself. i don’t want to die but maybe that’s what meth wants for me and i just do as a the shard guides.

Sorry to hear you're going through this problem. I was a meth user for years and if it hadn't been for me going to jail for 3 months in 2013, I never would have gotten clean. That said, I had been an angry mess back then because I did not want to stop. I decided to stay clean because back then, if I didn't get clean, then that meant I would of had to tolerate going back in and out of jail and I didn't want that. The first step you need to do is to decide what it is that you really want. Are you ambiguous? Do you want to get and stay clean? Do you want to get loaded? If you have mixed desires, then you will get mixed results. This means that if part of you wants to be clean, but part of you wants to get high, then eventually you will end up getting high. Once you decide that you absolutely want to get clean, then here is what you can do. You can see a doctor and explain your situation. He or she can put you on some Welbutrin, Effexor, or a similar drug that will make coming off meth a whole lot easier. While you're doing this, I would check into a long term rehab and attend an NA meeting every day. Once you have 5 years clean, you will be a lot stronger in your recovery and you won't feel like you have to use. You can also see a therapist for additional help. There is hope and you can get clean and stay clean if you decide that is what you really want. I used for 30 years and have been clean for 10. Wishing you all the best.

 

[garygroundwork]

19... damm you are good. throw the suicide shit out the door. you are a baby.

if you want to come off you have to use some other meds to hep you come off... e.g Dexis, adderall for a while then possibly anti depressants and or benzos for a while to get through the hell.

if you have an extreme personality like most drug addicts you could take up bodybuilding and go extreme with that..focus on food, training, sleep and steroids. lesser evil.

but if you are serious about coming off you are good. exercise man exercise. sports. your 19..sports.

replace your meth addiction with a more healthy obsession.

one day at a time cuz. nothing is easy.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It's not easy.

Give yourself grace @Crystal Clouds - sure you're young but your experience is valid.

Be good to yourself and just know that there are states of being you have not yet experienced that may be more rewarding than the current