A long confession

[Solar Eclipse]

I don't remember how old I was. I think I was in either 7th or 8th grade. I have a sister who is 7 years younger than me. I was born on 2/21/1991, and she was born on 8/19/1998.

We moved when I was in 7th grade. Same town, different house. It was bigger, older, cheaper. It.was, in the early 1800s, a horse barn. Over our living room were 2nd floor sky lights with no 2nd floor, although there was a balcony on one side. Later on in the house's history, it was a bed and breakfast. My room had the number '2' on its door, my sister had a 1 on hers. My parents' room didn't have a number.

I don't know when it started, or how. I just remember it happening. I raped my sister. I tried to have sex with her. I was too inexperienced and stupid to make it work. I tried a couple times. My failures didn't stop me. Then, I gave up on sex. And I made her give me oral.

And I stopped. Idk if I found what I was looking for. Idk if I just gave up my search. Idk why I did it.

Not long after, she told my parents. They sat down with me, cried and asked why. I didn't know. They weren't supposed to know. It was supposed to be over.

I saw a therapist for a while. She said I was okay. That I am fine.

I don't know.

I want to think I was molested as a child. It would be so easy to blame it on that. But I don't ever recall that happening. The only person who would have is my papa, and he's dead. He was a drunk, but I strongly feel he never did anything to me.

I just had to say it somewhere. I really don't think of it often any more. But I do sometimes.. and I wonder if it's why I don't feel like I deserve anything. I think of myself as enlightened, but I just feel like I deserve nothing. Not love. Not friendship. Not pity. Not even hate. I should have just never existed.

I don't know how to stop.

I'm 2 months behind on rent. My phone is shut off. My roommates paod off my internet bill that they shut off after 2 months of not paying. I've got half a month left until they shut it off again. I work 2 days a week as a bus boy. I have no money. No car. No real job.

Yet I have a girlfriend of 4 months.

But sometimes I just feel like a psychopath who knows how to manipulate people.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in love - and I have felt love, undonditional love, before. And I managed to ruin it for no good reason. And managed to give 100 bad reasons to try and get it back when it was too late.

I'm an abomination to the human race. The only reason I keep going is because there are people who would be sad if I died.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to rectify it all.

And you know what's worst of all?

I may be on BlueLight, but I am 100% sober. I just thought you guys would be the most understanding of the things I could never openly admit.

 

[moonyham]

Well, that is pretty fucked up but dude you were a kid, and while i may not have done that as a child i did some pretty fucked up stuff too, i think most of us have.

Let the past stay where it is, whats done is done and you can never change that, you can only move forward and make the most of the moment that existrs now.

Dont let the fact that your life sucks now get you down. My life is the worst its ever been right now - no money, no girl, no job, no drugs, no ANYTHING but fuck it ya know, life is a roller coaster, you cant enjoy it without the ups AND downs. If you try hard enough, you will come out of it and look back, really appreciating the position you are in, and respecting it alot more because of that.

I had 5k, i could have set my life up, instead i blew it all and now im at where im at. I will now never blow 5k if it lands in my lap again, i have learnt and am striving to become better because of it.

 

[bronson]

I checked with TDS staff and they gave this thread the okay to just move over there. Sorry for the confusion.

 

[Pagey]

Look...
Although I do get you must be in a really bad place right now I'm not going to come here and comfort you and tell you what you did is all right, because it isn't, it's horrible. But you do seem to feel truly guilty so I'll do my best although I'm not exactly sure what to say. What's your relationship like with your sister now? I suppose she remembers this? It sounds like you need closure.
Also I find it somewhat strange that a therapist said you were 'fine' after you did that and I think it could benefit you to see another one.

 

[herbavore]

I think that one of the saddest things in our human world is that we emphasize punishment and retribution over compassion and therapeutic treatment. Shame of the intense nature that both of you are dealing with is such a horrible trap. Remorse is essential to your humanity but shame and guilt are self-punishing weapons that don't do you or anyone else any good.

OP, you obviously know that what you did was wrong and no doubt has some very serious consequences for your sister. I think that the best thing that happened is that it was brought out in the open within your family and that your parents actually dealt with it by getting you (and presumably your sister) therapy. At the time, did the therapist ever have you talk directly to your sister about it? I know that writing an honest and sincere apology can be a way to move forward and I wonder if you ever did that?

What are your relationships with your family like now?

I don't know if this would be helpful to you but I did find this website:http://sparkaction.org/content/juvenile-sex-offenders-intensive-program-o

I think that what JessFR has said about being young should be something that you take into account. It is not an excuse but it is a factor. Living honestly (and it sounds like you are) with what you did and the effects that it has on your sister, is a huge wound to live with. Integrating that experience truthfully and still having faith in all that is good in you is going to be very difficult but not impossible. For both you and JessFR, I wish for healing and peace. Self-forgiveness is the hardest thing but it is the only way forward.

 

[JessFR]

I am removing both of my posts from this thread as it's a sensitive subject I feel I explained poorly.