A little something on the way that I feel

[IndependentElement]

I have this undeniable feeling that I'm falling down. The meaning of my descent profound. It's unnecessary to make sense of it all. It will soon become clear. I've been slipping for quite sometime now. Pushed between knowing and not knowing who I am. Never quite sure just how to act.

Wanting closeness.....TOUCH.

And when your hand is so close that I feel your warmth...I reply with a push. Distance.

How could you touch me? I wouldn't touch me.

I can hardly stand me. I hate me.

What IS me?

My eyes beg for you to touch me. Hold me. Comfort me.

Tell me that I'm not so bad.

Tell me there is a sliver of warmth inside me. Melt the black ice that I have become. Take away the numbness that I feel. Crush my indifference with a choice.

Carry me.

But how will I repay you? With pain.

I will rip at you, cut at you, DEFY YOU. I will ascend you.

I HATE YOU...but I love you. Stay but go. Keep me from a distance.

Why does it hurt so much to feel?

I am inept at emotion.

I put forth mirages. Artificial sun. Illusionary smiles.

I see in water colors. My sight changes with every passing rain.

Was that you before or is this you now?

Which are you? Or is it me?

My perceptions erratic.

Light or dark? Light or dark. Positive, negative, up, down, good or bad?

 

[E-girl]

You seem very confused, and yet bursting with uncontrolled emotion. Kind of reminds me of myself a few years ago. I just felt like i was spiralling, but i had so much emotion and passion and fire in me that i knew if the right thing could come along and change my life, all that negative energy could really turn into something spectacular. It took a really understanding guy, getting off the drugs, recognizing my goals and working to achieve them, and not being so naive. Today I'm almost where i want to be. And all that emotion is better spent loving, living, and being happy than hating, crying, and wishing for things i didnt think i could have.

 

[IndependentElement]

Actually I am in the process of getting my life together. I wasted allot of opportunities and hurt allot of people with my careless drug use. I am pretty much sober now. I do partake in the ocassional bowl and opiates when the opportunity arises and that is far and few in between.

I am excited for the first time in my life. I have made long- and short-term goals for myself that are achievable. Plus having a sense of direction has helped me wonderfully in attaining a content state of mind and enjoying the little nuances of flavor that life can throw your way.

I am finally going to start college in the fall and attain my ideal career as a psychologist. I have wanted this for so long and it feels awesome to be following through with it instead of talking about it. It has added a sense of accomplishment to my life that I never had before and makes me feel worthwhile.

Anyhoo, Things are headed in one direction in my life and thats up. Content existance is awesome and I feel wonderful. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.