Cosmic Mist
Bluelighter
I don't want to talk to anyone today. I don't want to have to utter a single word. i don't want to have to look you in the eye and lie once more about how my day has been, how i see the world, how i see myself.
I don't want to have to face anyone today. I don't want to feel the anxiousness rising in me. I don't want to feel the deep, dark burrowing feeling of so many past sorrows and big mistakes. I don't want to suffer through your endless barrage of inquisition - i am not even spanish for god's sake!
Surely there has to be more to life than this!
Surely, someone somewhere knows how it is to feel this way? Making my way through another hazy exam, another hazy smile, another hazy, mundane moment in this meaningless existence - surely someone out there can give me a good reason to not just stop and collapse into a heap and allow my weakness to overcome me? Surely i am not the only one who feels as though they are spiralling out of control?
This evening i sat in my car for more than an hour, just listening to the music, allowing myself a quiet moment of weakness. the truth is i couldn't bring myself to leave the safe environment i had created. There was nothing threatening me or trying to tell me what i should be doing to fix all the mistakes i have made in my life. For once, i felt as though i had found somewehre safe, dry and warm to coocoon myself inside - nothing could hurt me, nothing could touch me - it was safe enough for me to cry and know that no one else could possibly be affected by it... no one could come and tell me that what i was feeling was not right, or that i had no right to feel it. no one was there telling me to "buck up" or that "you just need to look at the bigger picture..."
FUCK the bigger picture! This is Me. This is Here. This is Now. And i will be damned if i am going to let ANYONE take this away from me. This is My moment. This is My time. And this is My space. And for just a little moment in time, nothing else is real and nothing else really matters.
*~*
It feels good to let go sometimes. Scream a little. Cry a little. Feel a little.
Sometimes a little feeling is all it takes...
I don't want to have to face anyone today. I don't want to feel the anxiousness rising in me. I don't want to feel the deep, dark burrowing feeling of so many past sorrows and big mistakes. I don't want to suffer through your endless barrage of inquisition - i am not even spanish for god's sake!
Surely there has to be more to life than this!
Surely, someone somewhere knows how it is to feel this way? Making my way through another hazy exam, another hazy smile, another hazy, mundane moment in this meaningless existence - surely someone out there can give me a good reason to not just stop and collapse into a heap and allow my weakness to overcome me? Surely i am not the only one who feels as though they are spiralling out of control?
This evening i sat in my car for more than an hour, just listening to the music, allowing myself a quiet moment of weakness. the truth is i couldn't bring myself to leave the safe environment i had created. There was nothing threatening me or trying to tell me what i should be doing to fix all the mistakes i have made in my life. For once, i felt as though i had found somewehre safe, dry and warm to coocoon myself inside - nothing could hurt me, nothing could touch me - it was safe enough for me to cry and know that no one else could possibly be affected by it... no one could come and tell me that what i was feeling was not right, or that i had no right to feel it. no one was there telling me to "buck up" or that "you just need to look at the bigger picture..."
FUCK the bigger picture! This is Me. This is Here. This is Now. And i will be damned if i am going to let ANYONE take this away from me. This is My moment. This is My time. And this is My space. And for just a little moment in time, nothing else is real and nothing else really matters.
*~*
It feels good to let go sometimes. Scream a little. Cry a little. Feel a little.
Sometimes a little feeling is all it takes...
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
