sadmachine
Bluelighter
Pink & Brown
Dear Oxy,
It took me 30 years to meet you.
But I dreamt of you for 15.
You were the last box to tick off
And I had high hopes.
Hope was as high as you'd take me.
You never handed me that warm blanket
You never fixed what was broken
Yet I took you with me anyway.
I romanticised you like an immature boy.
Burroughs, Cobain, Davis.
My idols chose you.
They probably did the same.
Dysphoria. Anxiety. Disappointment.
Where is the cave, where the wise woman went?
Where is the blanket, the contentedness and warmth?
I just haven't found the right dose.
I just haven't found the right timing.
Perhaps I was blessed,
Our chemistry's never matched
Perhaps if I met your siblings
I would have found it
And chased it to my demise.
You led me to your Father once.
Golden brown. Affordable.
But I never gave you the chance.
You spiralled down my sink,
And I will forever take pride.
Persistence showed me your power.
It wasn't until I adjusted to you
That you showed me relief.
But you only relieved me
From the pain that you caused.
I will one day forget the pain you caused.
Money grows back. Wounds heal.
Your scarcity will one day protect me
But it was what once drove me.
How many times was I driven
out of fear of your transience.
Never knowing when
You will return to the shadows once again.
But in my selfish honesty
I can never forgive you
For what you couldn't offer me.
I've loved others before
I've said goodbye before
But I never loved you
So why can't I say goodbye.
Just a little background, i've been a binge oxycodone user for 3-4 years now, usually using once a month until the box is empty in hopes i'd never catch WD's. Sometimes Ive gone a few months without. Never had a serious habit, used large doses (100mg max) or used daily for long periods.
I wrote this because my usage patterns and struggles are a bit different to the usual story and also because I enjoy writing and found this cathartic. My story is relatively tame compared to most of course, but if there's one thing to take away from this;
I was diligent and informed, had the benefit of scarcity + limited by funds, had no involvement with any other users/drug scene and it has still harmed me greatly.
Dear Oxy,
It took me 30 years to meet you.
But I dreamt of you for 15.
You were the last box to tick off
And I had high hopes.
Hope was as high as you'd take me.
You never handed me that warm blanket
You never fixed what was broken
Yet I took you with me anyway.
I romanticised you like an immature boy.
Burroughs, Cobain, Davis.
My idols chose you.
They probably did the same.
Dysphoria. Anxiety. Disappointment.
Where is the cave, where the wise woman went?
Where is the blanket, the contentedness and warmth?
I just haven't found the right dose.
I just haven't found the right timing.
Perhaps I was blessed,
Our chemistry's never matched
Perhaps if I met your siblings
I would have found it
And chased it to my demise.
You led me to your Father once.
Golden brown. Affordable.
But I never gave you the chance.
You spiralled down my sink,
And I will forever take pride.
Persistence showed me your power.
It wasn't until I adjusted to you
That you showed me relief.
But you only relieved me
From the pain that you caused.
I will one day forget the pain you caused.
Money grows back. Wounds heal.
Your scarcity will one day protect me
But it was what once drove me.
How many times was I driven
out of fear of your transience.
Never knowing when
You will return to the shadows once again.
But in my selfish honesty
I can never forgive you
For what you couldn't offer me.
I've loved others before
I've said goodbye before
But I never loved you
So why can't I say goodbye.
Just a little background, i've been a binge oxycodone user for 3-4 years now, usually using once a month until the box is empty in hopes i'd never catch WD's. Sometimes Ive gone a few months without. Never had a serious habit, used large doses (100mg max) or used daily for long periods.
I wrote this because my usage patterns and struggles are a bit different to the usual story and also because I enjoy writing and found this cathartic. My story is relatively tame compared to most of course, but if there's one thing to take away from this;
I was diligent and informed, had the benefit of scarcity + limited by funds, had no involvement with any other users/drug scene and it has still harmed me greatly.
