Dear __________,
Brownie taught me this trick once. He said that if you need to vent on someone, you should write them a letter, and tell them everything, but not send it. I did that once, and it made me feel a lot better. So here I am Brownie, hoping it will work again.
Lately, I've found that i can't really tell you anything. We fight about everything, we fight about nothing. A simple conversation ends up with one of us walking away hurt. I am going through a lot of tough times in my life right now, and at the heart of them is you. It always comes back to you. Everyone tells me I am an idiot for trusting you, but for once, I am going with my instincts. That's something i was never able to do before. My instincts tell me that you are worth it. Only time will tell if i am right.
Tonight is a weird night. You're not here, and I know where you are. It shouldnt bother me that you are there, but it does. Something is just not right. Something is making me feel sick and worried, and impatient. This same something is going to keep me up all night... it will have me screaming by midnight, and weeping by dawn. Tomorrow you will look me straight in the eye (you've become so good at that) and you will tell me I'm crazy for thinking what i did. But despite my insanity, will i be right?
Tonight I asked Kasper why love has to hurt so much. He said to me "It only hurts with the wrong person." *closes eyes* Is he right?
Sitting here at this computer, my only real friend, I watch a play-by-play of my life falling apart in my head. I feel deceived by everyone, let down, hurt. Growing older feels so disappointing... it just reminds me of how great life was in high school, how fun it was in college, and how... depressing it is now. I feel like all i really have is you... and that's suddenly not enough. You look right through me... you dont seem to see the girl who drove you crazy in love a few years ago... just the girl who drives you crazy everyday. what i would give to have you look at me that way again.. the way you looked at me when i was just a stranger in the club... some girl in a white tube top and a black skirt (god i hated that outfit, but you still remember it).
Today, i woke you up early (which you hate) and you screamed at me. I wanted to surprise you. I took you to the beach, hoping we would throw each other in the water and laugh and not think about how bad our lives suck, just for a few hours. But when we got there, you grumbled about the water being too cold... then you yelled and bitched at me because you forgot your cigarettes in your pocket and they got ruined. you stormed out of the water and went back to the blanket. Trying to make peace with you, I tried to do something that always made me happy when i was a kid... i tried to bury your feet. and you yelled at me. i went and sat in the water for almost an hour, with my head in my knees, watching the kids play and wishing i was young again. a little girl came up to me and said "i like your tattoo" and i jumped at the chance to have someone to talk to. i quickly made friends with this little toddler... and had the best day of my life just because she buried MY feet in the sand... meanwhile, you never looked up from the blanket.
Remember the day we fought about Bluelight? you wanted to join. i asked you to just let me have this one thing to myself. this is what makes me just ME and not US. and what... with one fight, one doubt in your mind, you violate that? you go and read EVERY SINGLE WORD I'VE EVER WRITTEN IN THIS FORUM, my escape from the world on sleepless nights such as this, you tried not only to ASSUME THINGS... but to INTERPRET THEM... and not even as i have meant them to be... not even close. YOU TOOK MY POETRY AND YOU USED ALL MY FEELINGS, MY THOUGHTS, MY DREAMS.... against me. you made me ashamed of them. those words, many of them were about you, but never FOR you... if they HAD been, i would have given them to you in an envelope. I would have taken the time to write them neatly in my own handwriting... but most of them were typed out furiously in a moment of passion, never pre-thought or proofread... I put my thoughts and feelings out here in the open, to be read by anyone with internet access and a few spare bored minutes... BUT NOT FOR YOU! you took that one personal piece of me.... AWAY. and now this letter that i write to you, that i dont want you to see... will you read it tomorrow? will you throw it in my face? will you tell me i am wrong for feeling the way i do?
10:20 p.m. And the sleepess night begins...
I ought to get comfortable.
Love always...
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
"...there are 2 paths, you can go back, but in the long run... there's still time to change the road you're on..."
Brownie taught me this trick once. He said that if you need to vent on someone, you should write them a letter, and tell them everything, but not send it. I did that once, and it made me feel a lot better. So here I am Brownie, hoping it will work again.
Lately, I've found that i can't really tell you anything. We fight about everything, we fight about nothing. A simple conversation ends up with one of us walking away hurt. I am going through a lot of tough times in my life right now, and at the heart of them is you. It always comes back to you. Everyone tells me I am an idiot for trusting you, but for once, I am going with my instincts. That's something i was never able to do before. My instincts tell me that you are worth it. Only time will tell if i am right.
Tonight is a weird night. You're not here, and I know where you are. It shouldnt bother me that you are there, but it does. Something is just not right. Something is making me feel sick and worried, and impatient. This same something is going to keep me up all night... it will have me screaming by midnight, and weeping by dawn. Tomorrow you will look me straight in the eye (you've become so good at that) and you will tell me I'm crazy for thinking what i did. But despite my insanity, will i be right?
Tonight I asked Kasper why love has to hurt so much. He said to me "It only hurts with the wrong person." *closes eyes* Is he right?
Sitting here at this computer, my only real friend, I watch a play-by-play of my life falling apart in my head. I feel deceived by everyone, let down, hurt. Growing older feels so disappointing... it just reminds me of how great life was in high school, how fun it was in college, and how... depressing it is now. I feel like all i really have is you... and that's suddenly not enough. You look right through me... you dont seem to see the girl who drove you crazy in love a few years ago... just the girl who drives you crazy everyday. what i would give to have you look at me that way again.. the way you looked at me when i was just a stranger in the club... some girl in a white tube top and a black skirt (god i hated that outfit, but you still remember it).
Today, i woke you up early (which you hate) and you screamed at me. I wanted to surprise you. I took you to the beach, hoping we would throw each other in the water and laugh and not think about how bad our lives suck, just for a few hours. But when we got there, you grumbled about the water being too cold... then you yelled and bitched at me because you forgot your cigarettes in your pocket and they got ruined. you stormed out of the water and went back to the blanket. Trying to make peace with you, I tried to do something that always made me happy when i was a kid... i tried to bury your feet. and you yelled at me. i went and sat in the water for almost an hour, with my head in my knees, watching the kids play and wishing i was young again. a little girl came up to me and said "i like your tattoo" and i jumped at the chance to have someone to talk to. i quickly made friends with this little toddler... and had the best day of my life just because she buried MY feet in the sand... meanwhile, you never looked up from the blanket.
Remember the day we fought about Bluelight? you wanted to join. i asked you to just let me have this one thing to myself. this is what makes me just ME and not US. and what... with one fight, one doubt in your mind, you violate that? you go and read EVERY SINGLE WORD I'VE EVER WRITTEN IN THIS FORUM, my escape from the world on sleepless nights such as this, you tried not only to ASSUME THINGS... but to INTERPRET THEM... and not even as i have meant them to be... not even close. YOU TOOK MY POETRY AND YOU USED ALL MY FEELINGS, MY THOUGHTS, MY DREAMS.... against me. you made me ashamed of them. those words, many of them were about you, but never FOR you... if they HAD been, i would have given them to you in an envelope. I would have taken the time to write them neatly in my own handwriting... but most of them were typed out furiously in a moment of passion, never pre-thought or proofread... I put my thoughts and feelings out here in the open, to be read by anyone with internet access and a few spare bored minutes... BUT NOT FOR YOU! you took that one personal piece of me.... AWAY. and now this letter that i write to you, that i dont want you to see... will you read it tomorrow? will you throw it in my face? will you tell me i am wrong for feeling the way i do?
10:20 p.m. And the sleepess night begins...
I ought to get comfortable.
Love always...
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
"...there are 2 paths, you can go back, but in the long run... there's still time to change the road you're on..."
