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A Journal of an addict determined to quit on his own! Start-Finish

Downers,
I am happy that my process has parallels to yours, perhaps we can help each other. Like you, I am educated, very functioning, have a nice Brooklyn apartment and a girlfriend who knows nothing about my use. But don't get discouraged! Going from a bundle a day to nothing immediately is IMMENSELY difficult with no support via a hospital detox or a rehab center (even outpatient). We are on our own and this is the hardest way by far! But we can do it!

Today I woke up feeling some RLS and chills. Took 1mg of suboxone, just 1! and 45 mins later felt better. Still have only taken that 1mg all day. Even though I used last night, my opioid receptors were full with suboxone so this morning I didn't need to wait 24 more hours to re-induct.

Bottom line: A slip-up after starting a sub regimen isn't the end of the world. The next day just take another sub dose. Induction only needs to happen when going from no sub at all to full sub antagonist. Now I know, just because I took the initiative and was sick for 24 hours, that ANY day I can take a piece of a sub and not withdraw. Even if I slip up the night before. My fears of getting sick at work are already all but gone.

I did some yoga last night after getting home (I managed to trade the 6 remaining bags from my ill-gotten bundle for 6 subs! SO happy that I did that!) and the yoga felt great. Woke up next to my girlfriend this morning without running straight to the bathroom!

Its only been 3 days and already I have a paycheck today that isn't already spent, and I am becoming much more stable. With the help of suboxone, quitting is so so doable! The hard part, like I said earlier, will be changing my lifestyle moving forward to avoid more relapses.

I will keep posting my journey. Thanks for all the support guys!!

LedRevolver
 
You sound very similar to me. I graduated shortly after the peak of my addiction. I also have a girlfriend of several years. She also didn't really know the full extent of my addiction, she thought I just liked drinking. I'm also currently working in a major metropolis. You, like me, also sound like you have a lot of pride. I am an alcoholic however. I'd work hard on my internships, put in my 9-10 hour days, and go home and drink beer and smoke weed till I blacked out. I'd wake up feeling like shit and do it over again. And over again. And over again.

I have 10 1/2 months of sober time, and I'm optimistic this time it's gonna stick.

First off, you have to tell your girlfriend. You just have to. She won't understand. You will fight. She will be hurt that you have been lying to her for so long. Addicts are so good at lying and deceit, she just won't understand. But if you want this relationship to work, you have to tell her. This isn't going to be a month long battle and then your life will be better. This is something you will be dealing with the rest of your life. She needs to be aware. If you love her, and if she loves you, it will work out. When I finally confessed to my girlfriend, she was so upset that I had been lying to her for so long. Even now, I feel so blessed to have someone who can still love me knowing the addict inside still resides.

But I can also sense your pride. I was the same way. I thought, "Wow, look at me. I can do it all. I can black out every night and still function at my job and maintain my relationships. I can do this. I am amazing." But I was blinded. My relationship was failing because I was blowing her off 6 nights a week, and the nights we did hang out, I had to be drinking a few beers just so I could fall asleep. My job performance was failing due to my normal standard, but I was too cocky to admit it. Another 4-6 months of my active addiction and I would have lost everything, but I was too blind to see it. This pride didn't help me because when I quit I thought I was ready to quit, but I wasn't even close. I would of course, relapse later on. This pride didn't help because I wasn't able to fully see the damage I was causing.

The beginning after I told my girlfriend was tough, but I'm so glad it happened. There was immediate immense relief on both sides, even if there was a lot of hurt and anger afterwards. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. She isn't going to understand that the hardest part of addiction is maintaining sobriety day after day. She isn't going to understand the compulsion, the overwhelming thoughts, the need, and the depression/anxiety. But she will learn to over time. Everyone just thinks once you are past withdrawal it's the easy part, which is the exact opposite.

Anyway, you've made the first step. I remember how hard it is to make that first plunge into sobriety. It is so scary. I'm excited for you and hope you can keep this train moving. 3 days is a great accomplishment. If you need anything, please PM me or just respond here. Keep it up!
 
Led, sorry its taken me so long to respond. I'm sure you can imagine what happened. I made it the full 36 hours from last my last shot, just in time to induct subs, and then I caved and "got well" instead. I'm disgusted with myself but I refuse to give up. My sister made it into town last night, so I won't have the luxury of detoxing without her watchful eyes, but I'm going to do it anyhow. I'll be taking my last shot (again) tonight before work. We're going on our trip next week, and I'm so glad that I'll have that whole week where it won't be physically possible to use. Should help a lot with getting past the first week of cravings. I'd really appreciate some support from anyone who's willing to give it..

As far as your girlfriend goes, Generic is right. You'd be so much better off coming clean with her. I hid my use from my ex-boyfriend, who is the love of my life, for six months. He knew something was going on, but he had no idea as to the extent of it. I checked myself into a heroin detox for a week and told him I was going there was for something else, but I came clean with him when I got out. Unfortunately, it was too late. He suggested I go stay with my sister for a while to get away from Philly and the urban drug scene, and he never invited me back. Once I moved, however, it was only a matter of time before I found H again and was back on the wagon, worse than ever before. It really is a sad story, losing the guy I love more than anything in the world, all because I didn't come clean sooner.

Let us know how your doing. If you messed up again, that's alright. At least recovery is on your mind now, and you've already made the first step. I admire you for it.
 
Allthedowners,
I suggest you make a thread to get the support and encouragement that you need :)
 
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