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A Journal of an addict determined to quit on his own! Start-Finish

L

LedRevolver21

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 12, 2014
Messages
10
Location
Brooklyn, NYC
Day 0

Hello Bluelighters! First post, but I have been reading this forum for years. I want to start by saying thank you to everyone for everything I have learned over the years from you all.

So, after 2 years of opiate addiction, from oxycodone to suboxone to heroin to suboxone and now back to heroin in the worst way, I am finally ready to quit for good!

I wanted to keep a log on here both for advice and support as well as to help others who may be trying to quit themselves.

A brief background: I am basically a functioning addict. I have a full time job waiting tables in Manhattan, I am a senior at a respectable 4 year university planning on going to law school after that, and I am in a healthy 3 year relationship with the beautiful love of my life. But I live a dark double life. No one knows how much my addiction controls everything I do. Fear of withdrawals is the number one motivator of my every action. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired (wow, I'm clever for thinking of that all my myself haha).

I am currently using about a bundle a day, mixture of sniffing and smoking (Thank god for some reason I am not a huge fan of shooting)

So I am ready to quit. Not to go back to Suboxone maintenance, not to go back to "casual" use, and not to switch to a different addiction. I am DONE.

Here is my plan to get through Acute withdrawals. PAWS I will also keep everyone updated on, and 12 step programs after that. But my main and first hurdle is those damn miserable actuate withdrawals. The RLS, the shitting and puking, the insomnia, the sweats, yawning, tears, and worst of all the incapacitating anxiety! We all know all to well the horrible pain that comes from not using for a period of time.

My plan is to go from heroin to suboxone to xanax to nothing. The time period I plan to utilize is about 2 weeks.
My supplies (painstakingly gathered for the past week since deciding enough is enough):
- 10 2mg Xanax Bars
- 2 2mg Clonopin
- 4 8mg Suboxone strips
- 8 10mg Ambien
- A lot of Trazedone
- Ibuprofen, Pepto Bismol, other over the counter odds and ends. No clonodine, I couldn't get my hands on that

So, I feel like I have enough medication to keep the acute withdrawals to at least a tolerable level. I took off from work 3 days in a row next week to get onto the subs (I discovered to my horror last week that taking a sub does not fully take away withdrawals like it used to with pills). After that I will have to work on small amounts of sub, tapering every few days.

So for now I am doing my last ever few bundles, which will last me until tuesday when I will take my last dose. I will update on Tuesday night when I start feeling my first withdrawals.

Any advice, or even just kind words would be even more helpful than it is getting all this down on paper. Thanks so much for reading, and wish me luck!! If this fails I have so much to lose. I really don't want to go to rehab.

Thanks again!
LedRevolver


EDIT

I don't want anyone to think that doing these last bags is fun for me. I am miserable. The main reason I am quitting next week is because I contemplated suicide for the first time veer and it scared the crap out of me. I am not using for one last week of fun. I am using because I am a waiter and this weekend I have 4 straight shifts on my feet and physically cannot start this process until tuesday.

Trying not to break down. Thanks for caring!
 
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Hey Led and welcome to posting on BL:). Congratulations on making the sometimes scary choice to clean up for real and for good. Turns out to be such a curse in the end doesn't it. Sounds to me like a great time to do it as you still have everything going for you in your life and any good part the experience seems to have passed. So hell yeah, pull the rip cord and exit out the ride before it really turns into a nightmare.

Your medication line up has some bright spots, but it also has some places you could patch up over the next few days. You already were searching for the clonodine, but nerontin, or lyrica would be something I would definitely track down. Is there a reason besides embarrassment or pride that you do not want to see a physician real quick before you make this push? Does not have to be your regular doc. If you decide to do this you may want to print out the study and paper linked on nerontin and opiate withdrawal as this will provide backing if the doctor is unaware of its great benefits in withdrawal.

>Clonidine< DOSED EVER FOUR HOURS..
one of either
>NEURONTIN< >HERE< >HERE< >here<
OR >Lyrica<
OR >phenibut<
Senokot S is a stool softener and laxative. If you do not want the laxative you can go for strait stool softenerDioctyl sodium sulfosuccinate.

It sounds like you have used subs before to detox and had a good time of it? IMO sub detox is a good way to go for people with short term and low dose dependencies as they seem to walk off really easy with it. People who have longer term and heavier habits don't always find this to be the case and sometimes turn what would be a three day detox into a 14 day detox.

Remember with the subs you are going to have to get yourself into significant withdrawal before you are able to take them without sending yourself into precipitated withdrawal. This means that you will already be a third of the way through your withdrawals when you load back up with the subs, a medication with like a thirty hour half life. (24-42 hours HL of Bupe source) The half life of morphine which the herion turns into is between 5-7 hours. >source<

The way half life relates to withdrawal is that we need to have the drug eliminated from the system and then add on like three days for the system to adjust.

to calculate the length of time a drug will take be cleared out we just multiply the half life of the drug by 6 and then we can add on four days. Four days is kinda lnag but I always like being pleasantly surprised at the end, instead of the other way around.

Heroin 7 x 6 = 42 + (4x24) = 138/24= 5.75 days through the tunnel.
Suboxone 30x6=180 + (4x24)= 276/24= 11.5, but you also have to add on the 24 more hours needed to prevent precipitated withdraws and then we subtract three days because sub withdrawals don't start until three days after we take them, so 12.5 days through the tunnel, but three of those days we ride the subway car, so 12.5 through, but 9.5 in withdrawal is a good estimate.

A longer half life will let you step down slower, but it can keep a person in acutes for a long time. Just some things to think about.

As far as the fear, yeah your going to be uncomfortable, but some of withdrawal are dependent on our attitude and thinking going into them. If we go in thinking its going to be absolute hell, then it ends up being absolute hell. We are better off going in with an optimistic but realistic attitude. Your going to feal sick, its not going to be as bad as it is in your mind unless thats what you decide it is. With the proper medication its really not that bad. So try and accept the fact in your mind that your going to feal ill and thats alright as your going to push through no matter what, have to pay the piper at some time, there will never be any better time than the preset as there is never a good time. So im going to be sick for a few days, but after that I'm going to finally be fucking free from this nightmare.

I would really see a doc before you jump as the couple seconds of feeling uncomfortable at telling a doctor whats up will be well worth it from the relief you will likely find from having the proper medications. You will be so happy you did and if your worried about it going down on your records, just pay outta pocket at a office you don't regularly go to. Not sure how easy or cheap that is in the city though, but buy day five you will thank the fuck outta yourself.

Here are some threads with peoples withdrawal medications and tricks.. masterbation and warm showers and such.

(Opi Withdrawal) what is the best comfort meds for opiate w/d?
Your Personal Opiate Withdrawal Arsenal


I was not sure what information you already know and what not, so I put a bunch down and did not mean to launch a bunch of stuff you already new, but lots of people read these and it may benifit someone.

So shit, you can and are doing this, wont be as bad as you picture it, and in a few days you will be free from the curse of opiate physical dependency=D
 
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Neversickanymore, Thank you so much for the time you took out to talk to me! You can't imagine how much it helps to have read your post. I totally agree with what you said about it being worse if you allow yourself to believe it is going to be absolute hell. I will try to be optimistic.

I will also try to see a doc before tuesday when I take my last dose.

And yea, suboxone has always been a miracle drug for me in the past, but the last time I ran out of everything and tried to get through a day on suboxone, it barely took away withdrawals, so I guess my tolerance has gone through the roof compared to my old 30mg pill habit.

Again, thanks so much for your thoughts! I am super nervous and a little depressed but also very very excited to finally get this horrible elephant off my shoulders for good.

I will keep updating, especially once I start withdrawals.

LedRevolver

EDIT

Great links. Im intrigued by Kratom... what is it? where can i get it? Anyone know anything about this?
 
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So I have one bag left. It's so insane that the thing that has almost ruined my life is making me sad to give up. So yea, at this point I'm about to go to bed early, I have my last shift of work tomorrow from 11-6, and I am going to do my last bag in the morning. This means that by the time I get home tomorrow night I will be feeling kind of crappy, and by Wednesday morning I will be in full WD. This will make it 24 hours from my last bag to my first dose of suboxone. I am planning to take 2mg around 10 when I get up if I can sleep that late. The goal is to take as little sub as possible just to make the first 3 days bearable.

So I will update tomorrow night when I am starting to feel sick. Im anxious as all hell, but so happy to be choosing to quit on my own.

I hope no one minds me keeping my journal on here. Maybe it will help someone one day but for now keeping a log will help me stay on track.

Also by addict and loser friend stole half my xanax, so I am now doing this with only 5 2mg sticks. This is going to make it less comfortable, but I am not going to use it as an excuse to wait another week to quit.

Talk to you guys soon.
LedRevolver
 
Day 1...

So today I have my last shift of work before my 3.5 days off. I am a waiter so being on your feet for 12 hours straight and smiling at guests is maybe the worst place to withdraw. God thing I took off.

I just smoked my last bag. I have about a bundle a day habit, sometimes a little less (6-9 bags) so this one bag barely got me out of the withdrawals I wake up every morning in. I'm going now to work and I assume that in about 8 hours I am going to start being sick. I am going to push through until I wake up tomorrow, though, to make my first suboxone. I decided on a taper that lasts 6 days and uses 2 8mg subs.

Scared as shit, and trying to figure out way or reason not to do this...
Gotta stay strong.

LedRevolver
 
I find one of the best ways to deal with fear is to get specific. What am I scared of? Physical discomfort? It will pass. Letting go of my crutch? That is going to be harder and lots of new adaptations are in order. So is that really scary or could it be exciting?

Good luck. You know this is right for you so any voices in your head that come up telling you otherwise are just the last clutches of a desperate pseudo-friend trying to hang on. Evict him.;)
 
By the end of my shift at work (10am-6pm) I was really sick. Terrible bone pain and anxiety, and I was 5 mins from my dealer and an hour (3 subways) from home. I had 10 dollars. I caved and bought a last bag. I felt awful buying it because I told him I was quitting, but my addiction won today and I picked up, even though it was only one bag and all it did was take away the bone pain and make the train ride bearable, it didn't even take away all the withdrawals and certainly didn't get me high.

Now I am home, and I won't be going back towards manhattan where I can pick up until saturday, when I am hoping the worst will be over. So now instead of taking my first 2mg suboxone dose tomorrow when I wake up, I am going to have to go through the whole day getting sicker and sicker until about 7pm when I will induct onto the sub. I figure its better anyway. If I didn't get the bag I would have spent all night awake and restless, hurting like hell until 8am when I could take the sub, and I started hurting while working (which is awful). Now, I can spend my first day sick at home in bed, take a xanax, and wait for 8pm.

The sub isn't going to take away my withdrawals. Last time I waited a full 24 hours and took a whole 8mg strip and it only took away about 50% of them. Still, I am only taking 2mg tomorrow. I want to be sick so that I am kicking opiates, not be comfortable on subs and just stay on subs instead of dope.

Anyway, slipped up right at the start, but I am finally done with work until Saturday, so my fight starts now.

Thanks again for the support guys! I will keep posting with updates.

LedRevolver
 
Hey led.. after you take the subs can you get into see a doctor so you can get some medications that will increase both your comfort levels and your chances of success?

Why take half measures when you can take full action?

Your going to do this!!
 
So it has been 24 hours since I got out of work yesterday, 21 hours since my last hit (which was only one bag i Have a 10 bag a day habit and i always withdraw after like 6-10 hours. BUT I feel moderately okay. Bone aches, irritability, yes. But not much from the COWS scale (pupils for some reason are normal and i don't have too much stomach pain.

So I am def withdrawing, but maybe it is the xanax that is keeping me sane? I don't get it though, xanax couldn't stop my pupils from getting huge.

I wanted to take 2mg of sub at 9. but I won't do that if I'm not sick enough, I don't want the sub to MAKE me sick I want it to help me.

Suggestions?
 
Would you be willing to try NA/AA/SMART? Might help to get some support.

As for the Suboxone, I am not comfortable giving medical advice. I am not a Doctor, I don't even play one on TV (do people even say that anymore)? Maybe go visit a Doctor and tell him what you are going through?

You can do this.
 
Thanks for the support guys. The full blown withdrawals that I had been dreading for months finally hit me like a ton of bricks, and it had now been over 24 hours since my last dose. I took 2mg of sub about 30 mins ago and it didn't really fix anything but it for sure helped.

Going to take 2 more mg, and take 2 tomorrow
 
Here is the line in the sand.. its just a line we draw.. when we are not going back.

You have this.. bust it out now.. never going to be a better time.. fuck it.. couple of days and your golden:)

Come hell or highwater im finishing this.
 
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LedRevolver,
You can do this!!! I know it really sucks!!!! I recently kicked my addiction to OxyContin just remember as bad as it gets it does get better you just have to dig deep with everything you have and hold on for the ride. It is so worth it when you get to the other side !!!
 
Hey guys, thanks for all the kind words!

So I was doing okay today. The first day waiting 24 hours before dosing the sub was hard, but not as impossible as I had imagined it. When I was using every few hours, then the moment that i wasn't high my mind would start to freak out and i would start thinking "OH MY GOD IM WITHDRAWING"!!! This apparently was 100% MENTAL because the real sickness didn't happen until about the 24 hour mark when I knew I wouldn't be picking up.

So, that knowledge that my withdrawals within 6 hours of using were mostly panic and mental is immensely useful to me, and should be to others.

How am I doing? That is the real question.... My girlfriend left to go hiking today and I was home alone. Ran out of Xanax. And bored as hell. BAD combo.

I went to pick up from a guy I usually never get from, because my normal dealer is my friend and I didn't want to disappoint him by admitting defeat. I picked up a bundle and smoked 2 bags and sniffed 2 more. Zero effect because of the suboxone in my body (about 8mg over the past 24 hours, last dose 2mg at about 2pm).

This slip-up, while a gigantic waste of money, I am going to view as a positive. I also now realize that sickness and withdrawals are NOT my biggest hurdle. My biggest hurdle is going to be re-forging a life free from opiates. I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not using. The first step, I believe, will be NA meetings (which I am familiar with). Then, I need to rediscover an old hobby. I used to play guitar, surf, hang out with friends.

Bottom line: My recovery will not be complete when the opioid dependance is gone from my brain. It will only be time to BEGIN recovery at that time.

This may be a longer thread than I anticipated.....
 
ALso I just want to reiterate how PISSED I am at wasting so much money on a bundle I don't need and won't even get me high. The good news is I have a friend who will trade me suboxone for bags, so thats what Im going to do now.

Led
 
Slip ups happen, it's what you are going to do to change things to make sure you can succeed. I just re-read your first post you have such determination and so many reasons why you need to kick this. We are pulling for you. I know you can do this !!
 
Reading this thread from the start, I felt familiarity and relief. But our stories and current routes are so intertwined that the further I read, the more the horror began to set in. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to discourage you at all, but I saw that last use after work and then the bundle a couple days later and immediately gasped. Because I'm doing the same thing right now. See, I've been planning on quitting for a couple of months now, but it's so hard bc I too am I highly functioning heroin addict. I have a full time job, pay the bills, and even have my bachelors degree. But I have a very dark double life as well. I shoot up twice a day and have been trying to quit on my off days every week for the past month. I keep finding a reason to use though. Well, today is seriously my first day of non-use. I work overnight, so I'm about to go to sleep now. When I wake up I'll be sick, but not in full blown withdrawals yet. Unfortunately I have to work tonight and I won't be able to take a sub beforehand bc I don't want to go into precipitated withdrawals, but I'm determined to make it through it. See, I'm out of days to quit now. My sister comes in town Saturday and then we're going on a trip together and I can't be shooting heroin with her in the other room. So it's now or never. And I'm so ready to quit. I'm so sick of basing my every move around the fear of getting sick. The glamour is long gone and I rarely even get a buzz anymore.
I relate to your situation; I just hope you don't start to mirror mine. One more day of using turns into one week turns into another month for those of us who are functioning addicts. Get out while you still can without damaging things worse than you already have. The private battle is hard enough without everyone else looking on and judging you for it.
Then again, if your shit is out in the open, it's easier to get help and it may provide the accountability you need. I hope I don't have to find that out though.
 
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