A hand and a gun apart

[kazza_baby]

I watched you closely
from the distance of a hand
and a gun apart
as vertical red lines race
down your wretched legs
dripping slowly to waste you away
before your knees crumble
down like love and the lust
into a newly painted floor
of tragic truths from your
demise-- insignificant yet
well-rehearsed.

theatrical you are.

and with bullet shells
raining on the blood-soaked tiles
I fail to hearken
what your lacerated
throat screams, humbled
by your choking on dreams
you're forced to swallow
before the air becomes sparse
from blood-forced trauma
and your mouth runs dry;
you wish you could stop screaming.

but instead you stop breathing.

16 rounds fell upon
limitless lie-like liaisons
that you've spawned
with such craft and style
that i now see so surely
as your eyes roll out
to the back of your head
where you see nothing
but the absence of your life
from a storybook of crumpled pages
and wasted worlds of words
you couldn't define
even if you tried.

you don't own this life.

the gunsmoke clears; the ceilings slur.
high-heeled marks leave the scene.
your heart in my handbag.

 

[thujone]

wow. that was awesome. truly a ride, i look forward to more

 

[up all night]

Seriously good.

 

[kazza_baby]

Thank you .

I feel there is something a little 'off' with the flow, so any suggestions would be welcome.

 

[(Wordy)]

There's plenty to admire here. The final stanza is incredible.

In terms of improving the flow, I'd suggest trimming the three main stanzas. There's a bit of excess verbiage. For one thing, 'tragic truths' didn't sit right with me - the adjective may fit with the rhythm, but it has to do more than that. Also I think some of the wordplay is overcooked, e.g. 'limitless lie-like liaisons' - why are they 'lie-like'?

I really think you've got something though - it has the potential to absolutely rip.

 

[kazza_baby]

Great, thank you.
I shall work on it and post back.