• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: Senior Staff

A guy who doesn't show his emotions

L

lola

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 18, 2005
Messages
722
Location
London
Hello BL people

I've been sleeping with this guy for over 5 months now. He's a year older than me (34/35) and we met at a fetish party, it was supposed to be a one-night thing and kept going... we see each other at least once a week and we don't just fuck, we also go out for dinner, sometimes cook for each other, I've met his best friend and he's met my main social group. We have a nice time together and get on really well, there's a good uncomplicated vibe and a good connection.

The thing is, he's one of those guys who went to boarding school here in the UK, he's black and his family is African but he's actually quite English in a "stiff upper lip" sort of way. Very very self-contained and he's been a bachelor for quite a while, lives on his own and works crazy hours. He really isn't into pubic displays of affection so can come across a bit cold (he said it got him in trouble with his exes) but he's cuddly in bed and sexual so I don't mind. He's funny and a very decent guy.

Until a couple of weeks ago I just thought it was a dead end FWB arrangement to enjoy while it lasts. Then we ended up having a chat and turns out he wasn't necessarily clear on what he wants and sounded like he was open to things getting more serious. By that point I thought he was just after something casual so I essentially said I wasn't expecting things to go much further. We're both super vague so we decided we're just "playing it by ear" for now - but it's almost like a game of chess and starting to do my head in. We both sleep with other people occasionally (me more than him) and have been open about it, we also swing a bit together which has been brilliant, all of this is a new experience for him as I think before me he dated much more "traditional" girls (I'm even the first woman to make him come from a BJ!).

Anyway, my friends think that since he's been around all these months, always stays in contact, makes time every weekend to do things together, isn't dating anyone else and generally has been considerate and respectful and thoughtful towards me that he may want something more. It's REALLY hard to tell what he feels and he finds these conversations difficult, I find him so cryptic. Sometimes I really struggle to read men so any help is welcome, I just don't know what to do because sometimes it feels like we're a couple and sometimes we don't talk for 2-3 days.

Meanwhile I decided that if he wants to be guarded it's up to him but I'm just going to say what's on my mind, fuck it. So when we texted today I playfully said I've been missing him which he didn't respond to (I didn't expect him to), but instead we chatted about other things. Anyway, I've been wondering -

Does it sound like he might be into me or shall I continue to be cautious?
Should I initiate another "conversation" (bearing in mind I don't know how far I want to take this either, and it's like pulling teeth)?
Or shall I just continue to be honest with him about my thoughts/feelings, and if I get too attached for his liking he can always walk away? Just feel like we're too old to play games.

Thanks for any advice :)
 
hmmm you have given a lot of details but i'm more confused after.

do you two ever sit down and spell out your feelings/worries? because if not you'll be round n circles for ages...
 
Some guys have been trapped in relationships. They may be hesitant to jump back into one. It's often more comfortable to be in an informal type relationship, rather than in a full committal relationship; that way it doesn't get too intense emotion-wise
 
pofacedhoe said:
hmmm you have given a lot of details but i'm more confused after.

do you two ever sit down and spell out your feelings/worries? because if not you'll be round n circles for ages...
Click to expand...

I know, I know, your confusion kinda mirrors mine :)

It's very hard to spell it out because I know my worries but unsure about my feelings, and he's so defended in that way. Yes maybe we're going around in circles though it does feel like the circles are getting increasingly closer. Maybe I'm mostly worried that he'll assume there's no future here and start dating someone else. Not sure if I should tell him that.
 
soul mate said:
Some guys have been trapped in relationships. They may be hesitant to jump back into one. It's often more comfortable to be in an informal type relationship, rather than in a full committal relationship; that way it doesn't get too intense emotion-wise
Click to expand...

I supposed you're right, I'm more comfortable this way as well since the last 13 years I've been in LTRs back-to-back. It's nice to be single.

What would be a good way to let a guy like this know that I like him, and happy with informal arrangement and happy to take time to get to know each other before we decide if we should take it further? Sometimes I think I give off a vibe like I'm so independent I don't really care about him at all (I've also been told this by previous men I've dated) so it's a tricky balancing act for me.
 
My advice would be to chat face to face about it. Express that you have more feelings for him than you've been letting on, and say something along the lines of "well we might as well be in a proper relationship, can you be with me and only me?"
 
I think my question for the OP is what are you looking for that you aren't getting now? Is it the title of being his girlfriend? Do you think either of you are ready or willing to give up your side sexual encounters? Do you think you would be happy in an open relationship? It seems that you have had some wonderful times swinging so that part may not be going away and it's something you enjoy together anyway. :)

It sounds like you are already in a relatively fullfilling relationship (sans official titles). I think you need to pinpoint what you want and then open up the discussion and just keep your mind open.
 
purplefirefly said:
I think my question for the OP is what are you looking for that you aren't getting now? Is it the title of being his girlfriend? Do you think either of you are ready or willing to give up your side sexual encounters? Do you think you would be happy in an open relationship? It seems that you have had some wonderful times swinging so that part may not be going away and it's something you enjoy together anyway. :)

It sounds like you are already in a relatively fullfilling relationship (sans official titles). I think you need to pinpoint what you want and then open up the discussion and just keep your mind open.
Click to expand...

Yes I require some degree of openness in order to be happy in a relationship. I suspect he does too, I think we could work quite well with a "don't ask don't tell" arrangement for when he's away (which is a fair bit) with the understanding that anything problematic, like ripped condoms with one-night stands, is not kept a secret. Swinging together sometimes is also good. Plus ideally I'd like some agreement not to look for anyone else to actually date or have a relationship with. It just feels very "formal" to discuss these things with him but I think I can ask him in a gentle way, like "if we were dating, would you consider this..." etc. I just wish he was more straightforward about what he wants but I suspect he's not 100% sure yet and we just need to keep spending time together and get to know each other better. Neither of us is in a hurry to give up our independence, probably because both of us would take commitment quite seriously. It's nice to take things slower for a change.

I think you're right though, we're in some sort of relationship - I mean, we spent all weekend together, he cooked me a 3-course meal then we partied with my friends and when one of them asked him if we're dating he said "yes" (he later told me it just seemed easier than explaining everything to my friend, but still). For now we decided we have a dystopian relationship - having checked online dictionary, I believe this means it's both imaginary and terrifying :) lol

I also need to be careful because I just tend assume he wouldn't want to be with me - my insecurity here, it feels safer and protects me from getting over involved and vulnerable - and I think sometimes I treat him like I don't care about him because of it. Might just tell him this actually so he doesn't get the wrong idea... why do relationships get scarier as we grow older??? I guess it's baggage and getting hurt by previous people. Still it sucks :/
 
It does get harder but I also think that the love can feel much more real and mature. It has taken me a long time to get through some of my past experiences but I'm a better person for it. Just keep moving forward, that's all you can do. Lacking confidence in yourself or misjudging your own value is a really hard thing to cope with. I'm always my own worst enemy and I tend to think that others think similarly to the way I do which is generally very off base.

Just keep doing what you're doing. It sounds like you have a wonderful thing going with this guy. Try not to overthink it and just go with it :)
 
my opinion:

you two are locked in a game you both know well

you might want more from him than that game will allow

rub is: does he want more of what you want as the end of...?
 
lola, if i am reading you correctly you have an issue with him ot being able to express his feelings ? you seem to be doing a fair bit of second-guessing, as to his true feeligs for you and his intentions longer term?
in into this things called teh MBTI, or myers briggs. I suggest you check it out, it ca really help you understand other types as well as yourself, and can really help with this kind of thing.
i dont think its that he's english more that he may be "Fi" as opposede to "Fe".
i could go on ...but google is your friend here...best of luck MBTI will HELP i promise you
 
Queen ANN said:
lola, if i am reading you correctly you have an issue with him ot being able to express his feelings ? you seem to be doing a fair bit of second-guessing, as to his true feeligs for you and his intentions longer term?
in into this things called teh MBTI, or myers briggs. I suggest you check it out, it ca really help you understand other types as well as yourself, and can really help with this kind of thing.
i dont think its that he's english more that he may be "Fi" as opposede to "Fe".
i could go on ...but google is your friend here...best of luck MBTI will HELP i promise you
Click to expand...

Thanks, had a quick look and will read properly over the weekend. Yes he's more introverted than me for sure, and I know I can give the wrong impression to people (I seem very tough and like a free-spirit who doesn't need anyone, well it's true in a way but not on a deeper level). I can only be true to myself I guess, and when I am clearer how I feel and what I want will lay it out and he can make his own choices whether or not to open up.

Noodle - if felt like a game at first but doesn't now, we're very comfortable around each other and seem to be on a similar wavelength most of the time. I feel safe with him and I trust him, he's never given me a reason not to.

For now he's asked me to spend Christmas with him (neither of us have family in the UK) and I probably will :)
 
hmmmmmm


are you thinking of settling down?

:D
 
Last edited:
^ hehe, maybe I do need to start thinking about the future... tbh this year I have to be very focussed on my career, I'm self-employed in a competitive field and it's been going really well, so I think one more year to consolidate everything and have a sustainable work schedule, then I can start to look into settling down. For now it's just nice to have something like this in my life though I really do wish he was clearer about what he wants.

I think I'll just follow purplefirefly's advice and go with the flow. If it's meant to get more serious it will, if not I have nothing to lose as I don't have the space in my life to invest in dating/a new relationship for now. Here's to living in the moment! :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top