Didn't put an entry in yesterday; didn't feel the need. Yesterday was an emotional day for me. I was privy to more than a few episodes of wild mood swings. The weather was crap, which didn't help my mood or desire to go for a walk, but I managed to go around the block. Mum was admitted to hospital with blood in her urine as well the night before (Night 3.) The ED said it was unrelated to the partial mastectomy she’d had only three days previous. She was one night home and then right back to the hospital until two-thirty in the morning – and I was there with her and my dad the entire time. Whilst I managed to mask my discomfort for most of the time there and be supportive and sensitive to her vulnerable and painful state, let me still give you a piece of advice about emergency rooms and withdrawal. They go together about as well as (insert two things which you really hate here.) You sit, and wait, and wait, and wait, and the blood pressure machine beeps, and beeps, and beeps, as an endless procession of elderly, drunken and drug effected patients roll through. I saw an elderly woman brought in with an oxygen mask on; twenty minutes later she was dead. They simply brought the blanket up over her head and turned off the light, waiting for the pickup.
I woke up today (day 5) feeling depressed. Physical symptoms are almost completely gone. The odd episode of temperature sensitivity and ache, but otherwise I’m good. Mood wise – I had a bad patch earlier. I was just very angry. Very sensitive. I didn't feel any euphoria today – mostly depression. I feel a little better now actually, knowing I’m going to get out soon and go for a decent walk - which reminds me about my walk last night. It was great to stretch my legs – although they weren't working well. I decided to take a detour along a boardwalk which runs across a cliff face (it’s not precarious by any means) and I had to hold onto the rail going down stairs in fear of falling. In fact I did slip and fall. My legs were like jelly. Besides that I was extremely anxious. I was paranoid as well. I never got paranoid while on opiates because they’re so great at producing apathy - I couldn't be bothered being afraid. This time, I was.
I live in a relatively (very) safe area – I am almost never afraid walking alone at night. As I was nearing my block, there were three drunken kids no older than fourteen or fifteen walking on the opposite side of the road to me. I could feel panic welling inside my chest. I wanted them to leave me alone. As I walked, I started thinking perhaps they were following me, looking for a target, because I must look weak and frail. I turned off the main road and they kept going, and I felt some relief, and realized just how paranoid I was being.
I’m going for another walk tonight. I’ll see how that goes, if I’m anxious or paranoid or what. At the moment I really just want to stay the fuck away from people. I promised my family I’d attend an NA meeting, but I can already feel my avoidance-inclined inner-voice tell me to dodge it. My rationalization is that I've read it’s a place where people tend to share sob stories and by god right now the last thing I need is to be surrounded by grief – or even worse people still using. Actually, wouldn't talking about using be a really bad idea right now? I’m fighting with my mind multiple times in the day to not convince me to give-in to cravings. So fuck it. I’m going to avoid it for now. I’m going for a long walk instead. That’ll be better for me.
That’s my entry for today. I may update when I get home from my walk. Or perhaps I’ll get a second wind and decide to bite the bullet and try the meeting, but I honestly doubt it. All the same, peace to everyone, especially those trying to get clean – it’s time for me to start researching the next part of my recovery – PAWS – because I can tell until I start exercising properly and picking up the pieces of my life again this depression simply won’t lift. Bye for now.
I woke up today (day 5) feeling depressed. Physical symptoms are almost completely gone. The odd episode of temperature sensitivity and ache, but otherwise I’m good. Mood wise – I had a bad patch earlier. I was just very angry. Very sensitive. I didn't feel any euphoria today – mostly depression. I feel a little better now actually, knowing I’m going to get out soon and go for a decent walk - which reminds me about my walk last night. It was great to stretch my legs – although they weren't working well. I decided to take a detour along a boardwalk which runs across a cliff face (it’s not precarious by any means) and I had to hold onto the rail going down stairs in fear of falling. In fact I did slip and fall. My legs were like jelly. Besides that I was extremely anxious. I was paranoid as well. I never got paranoid while on opiates because they’re so great at producing apathy - I couldn't be bothered being afraid. This time, I was.
I live in a relatively (very) safe area – I am almost never afraid walking alone at night. As I was nearing my block, there were three drunken kids no older than fourteen or fifteen walking on the opposite side of the road to me. I could feel panic welling inside my chest. I wanted them to leave me alone. As I walked, I started thinking perhaps they were following me, looking for a target, because I must look weak and frail. I turned off the main road and they kept going, and I felt some relief, and realized just how paranoid I was being.
I’m going for another walk tonight. I’ll see how that goes, if I’m anxious or paranoid or what. At the moment I really just want to stay the fuck away from people. I promised my family I’d attend an NA meeting, but I can already feel my avoidance-inclined inner-voice tell me to dodge it. My rationalization is that I've read it’s a place where people tend to share sob stories and by god right now the last thing I need is to be surrounded by grief – or even worse people still using. Actually, wouldn't talking about using be a really bad idea right now? I’m fighting with my mind multiple times in the day to not convince me to give-in to cravings. So fuck it. I’m going to avoid it for now. I’m going for a long walk instead. That’ll be better for me.
That’s my entry for today. I may update when I get home from my walk. Or perhaps I’ll get a second wind and decide to bite the bullet and try the meeting, but I honestly doubt it. All the same, peace to everyone, especially those trying to get clean – it’s time for me to start researching the next part of my recovery – PAWS – because I can tell until I start exercising properly and picking up the pieces of my life again this depression simply won’t lift. Bye for now.
Peace