A Girl I Was Locked Up With....

[Stargazer]

When I was locked-up, I got close with a few of the girls....that, even now, we keep in touch.

Well, one I don't because I can't find her...due to the fact she is a 70yr old woman w a moderate level of dementia. I love this woman. For some unknown reason, this lady followed me around from the minute she came into our pod. At first, I was annoyed. And then I thought, "hey, if this little crazy lady needs to be around me, fine. She's lost and scared"...well, she was hilarious...and helped get me through that fucking nightmare. Honestly, she did. She thought she was 20....in love w one of the CO's, and honestly believed after she got out, she was going to live with him.

When she came in, we all wondered what the hell could she possibly have done to be there. It turned out,she left the homeless shelter run by nuns that she was court-ordered to be at, because they have to go to bed at 7pm. And she "wasn't fucking going to bed at 7." She was very upset that they didn't think she could take care of herself (which she can't)...she told me when she went to court she was telling the judge that she could take care of herself- as she held her fingers up to emphasize her points "I can drive, cook and ride a racehorse". I told her not to mention the riding the racehorse, because I didn't think that would help her cause. As an afterthought she told me when probation stopped over she forgot she had a bag of dope on the coffee table. God, I miss her.

My issue is this...another girl, that I became close friends with came over to see me last week. It was great to see her...it wasn't strange or awkward. I drank a couple of Angry Orchard hard ciders (I am not a drinker, but these taste good. After two, I have had enough though)....we were hanging out. Then she wanted to go out and walk around at some stores. We're in the car, and she suggests we go down to N Philly...which translates to copping. She wanted to get some hard (not my thing) and said she'd get me a couple bags of dope. As dumb as this sounds I was shocked. That was my first reaction. Then, I considered it....like "what the hell?"....then came back to my senses. Fast.

We talked about stuff like this a million times when we were locked up....I mean NOT GETTING HIGH and how we need to do positive things to change...things like that. I mean, we talked a lot....I was locked up w her for 6 and half months and there's not a lot to do in there. I sincerely meant what we said...about a better life, etc.

She is not following that at all. After I left, she somehow met a guy (? how the fuck do you meet a guy on the outside while locked up) She lives with him now....he completely takes care of her...not only bought her clothes, all the personal stuff you need-he got her a car, two tattoos, jewelrly, her hair and nails done Paid for her Dr visits, meds. She is driving without a license . She is on probation...and is doing drugs. This, I don't understand. When I was on probation, not only was I terrified to do anything wrong, they were all over me, and if I had a hot urine I would've gone to jail immediately....again, over a paraphernalia charge...I had a very strict judge. Apparently, his son over-dosed an died on heroin. Personally, I think it's a conflict of interest for him to be residing over drug cases. But that's a subject for another day or thread.

It is nothing short of a miracle that she is out. She was caught w a couple bags of dope...but resisted arrest, and injured the cop to the point he couldn't work for 6wks. However, a year or so prior, she resisted arrest and assaulted the officer that time too. That's why I say it's nothing short of a miracle. She doesn't seem to see this.

It's obvious I shouldn't hang around with her. I really care about her as a friend...to watch her get wrapped up in this and she's only been out for about 3wk. is really hard. She was prostituting too...she texted me that she got high yesterday....this guy gives her money. It also makes me upset with her that she doesn't have gratitude for the miracle of a situation she is in. She would be in a half-way house w nothing if not for this guy. Instead of using it to her benefit, she's right back into the bullshit. She was around people yest that we all got our stuff from last summer.

I want to say something to her, and I will. I have no problem with that. But, I want to say it in a way that is helpful. She's 25 and a convicted felon...thank God I don't have a felony...I want to encourage her to go to school, get her degree as an addictions specialist so she can have a job. I also know what its like to be on a run, caught up. I feel caught between knowing there's nothing that can be done unless she wants it to be done, and maybe me stepping in can change things...I just cant believe after all we went through, she got out and went right back in... Thanks for listening to me.

 

[manboychef]

Stargazer you have an amazing heart beating in your chest. This actually might lead you to relapse though. For us that have gotten sober and are grateful for it we see how bad it is effecting others lives and generally want to bring them up to where we are. I will give you a piece of advice that I follow to this day: "A using addict will get you to use, faster than you will get them sober."

I know all to well how it is like making friends in jail or rehab and then seeing them on the outs and they aren't doing well. This has actually led me to relapse more than once. I didn't protect my recovery. Sometimes recovery is a selfish thing and you have to put your own well being above others.

I have knight in shining armor complex. If someone is not doing okay or needs help I rush in to save them. It is a part of my nature that I have had to work on because 1/4 times this gets me into trouble be it with the law, with my friends, or with my recovery. You cannot save her if she does not want to save herself. If she is not appreciative of what she has then chances are it will dry up quicker than she knows. First time she pisses dirty they may give her a pass (depending on what shes hot for) but after that she will have to fill a cup way more than normal and if she can't stay straight then...well you know the rest.

I am also not a felon. I lucked out that they dropped the possession and paraphenalia charge (cops planted drugs and needles in my car). They actually forged my name on a statement, and when my lawyer saw that, he said that we were going to sue if this went before a judge. Unfortunately for people that are felons they are going to be paying for the rest of their lives in one way or another.

The only thing you can do to be a good friend is to distance yourself and tell her why you are doing so. Basically, if you hang around the salon long enough you are going to get a haircut. Eventually you will use if stick around a person that has so little care for your recovery.

 

[Stargazer]

Manboy....you know you are the best I know you are so right that I will end up messing up. When I was with her in the car, its so easy and natural to be around her. We're bad news together....I can already see that. That is great advice....tell her she means a lot to me but I cannot risk my sobriety-just be truthful with her.. We both know how easy it is to fall right back into the lifestyle. When I'm with her, it's a little of a trigger...it makes me think of how long we were locked up, and told what to do Locked inside those walls...

I have a savior thing too....I always have. Even in the chronic pain program when I was being coined out-the social worker said "you're a caretaker...you've taken care of every single person here. Make sure you take care of you" Why is it so hard to care about and for myself as I do for others? Its something I have to consciously work on.

Cops suck...what they did to you is horrible. I don't get what their deal is....I really don't. And also when they were cuffing me, and I just stood there, assuming the position lol, cooperating....and they start acting like nutbags. Yelling, throwing me around....wtf? It was ridiculous.

I am already thinking of what I'm going to say...but manboy...I'm going to feel horrible saying it....and like I'm a disloyal asshole. You are right, I have to be pro-active about it....I will end up using...and in trouble again. She is out of control. I don't know why I'm so surprised...I guess cause I really meant what I said. UUUgggh....addiction has such a domino effect...it brings so many hassles.

Glad we both didn't get a felony....I really am grateful. Thanks for the response.

 

[herbavore]

What a difficult situation. I can completely understand both your compassion and sense of loyalty but I agree with Manboy here---you have to look at the bigger picture. If through your compassion and sense of loyalty to someone that is indeed a friend, you end up using again, how much will your compassion count for? You will both be back in the situation neither of you really want to be in. Stay strong and let her know why. Encourage her with both your words and actions; but then walk away and draw the line.(You can always say to her that you will be praying for the day you can share time together again when she is also in recovery.)

Sometimes being a role model is the most compassionate way to be a friend. I think this is one of those times. I love your story about the crazy 70 year old race horse rider. You should write up some stories about your time in jail and the people you met there. You are a good writer....I'd love to read more in Blogs!

 

[Stargazer]

Hi herbivore!! Where have you been? You're absence was noticed Hope all is well.

Yes, it is very difficult. I have this deeply ingrained "loyalty" thing....maybe it's being Sicilian-who know's. But indeed it has bitten me in the ass many times. I have yet to have someone be as loyal to me as Ive been to them. My father used to get really angry at me about it. I'd always take the shit for what someone else did.

There is no other way than to not hang around with her...and herbivore..that is perfect! "I will be praying for the day we can share time together again...when you're in recovery" I know I will cry saying it...but I'll be crying more if I'm sitting in a holding cell waiting to be processed into jail. I have this strange feeling that I'm on the brink of something good happening. Woman's intuition I guess....I can't tel you what...it may be helping at the homeless shelter one of my lifelong best friends and her husband (who is a pastor) run. Her and I are planning to bake, we don't know what yet...definitely cookies...but I want to find some cool recipes...and bring them in the shelter, and to maybe some elderly and disabled members of their church. This-all my idea. But I got her excited about it. Six years ago, I was in a homeless shelter on Thanksgiving.

And omg my little friend (she was literally little 5ft tall)..was something else. Like I said, she was in love...obsessed with one of the correctional officers. If you told her it was an unrealistic idea, she'd get furious. So, he comes walking around our pod, you know, keeping us in check, trying to intimidate us...and she looked at him, and I swear, unexpectedly she opened her eyes really wide, like she was about to put contact lenses in, stared at him, and blinked her eyes like really overly blinked...to her that was batting her eyelashes. He turned bright red and didn't even finish walking around the pod...and I almost choked to death on iced tea-I aspirated it from laughing.

I have never written a blog before...I read them here on BL, and I've read some of yours.... I will read about them and give it a try. And until my friend is on the same page, she cant come over...it is too much of a risk for me. Thankyou both for the support.

 

[cj]

Unfortunately jail and rehab friendships rarely last on the outside. Like the other posters have said you have to protect yourself and your sobriety. Your friend is going to do what she is going to do and she will have no problem dragging you down with her. The fact that she tried to get you to go get high knowing that you are fighting to stay sober should show you all you need to see about how much she cares about your well being. People in active addiction are selfish. It just comes with the territory of being in love with a drug.

Stay away from her and let her know why.

 

[Stargazer]

Indeed crimson....it changes from wanting to do everything right into life being about getting high. From a year and 3mos ago (my clean time), I have done a complete 180. I actually like who I am now. That could change overnight if I allow it.

 

[cj]

. That could change overnight if I allow it.

That's the scary part about addiction to me. I know that if I stop taking my medication and going to counseling those destructive behaviors are right there waiting for me again. Looking back at my time in active addiction I don't even recognize myself really. I have kept a journal off and on over the years and its so crazy to go back and read over the times I was strung out and see just how distorted my thinking was. Down was up and black was white in my head. Thinking about it makes me a little scared.

Hopefully your friend eventually gets the help she needs.

 

[Stargazer]

Yes...in active addiction, I was a mess in every sense of the word. It's a entirely new thing to be able to focus without feeling anxiety and panic-which is due to Neurontin. I mean focus on everything, not just reading a book, but my relationships, being fully there with my daughter. It never occurred to me that there might be something organically wrong w me...re the lifelong panic/anxiety issues. I thought it was completely my fault It's like I'm waking up for the first time in my life.

It's also nice when I come on BL in the morning to come to SL. This is another new thing for me. I haven't looked for my old threads when I was in active addiction...I wish I had journals to look through. My house burned down-that's what was more or less the beginning of the end of my almost year long run. I said a prayer about 4hrs before my house burned down.(this is true) "I can't stop...I need your help. If there's a way this doesn't have to be jail, that would be great. If it is, please stay close to me during it"...so yeah, I got my answer lol. In a lot larger way than I would've liked, but in the end the blessing is amazing. I had never been in jail, but had this feeling that was where it was going to end.

The reason I'm typing this is to remind myself of all I've been through to be at this moment of typing in SL.....better yet, even caring about being in SL! I never even read this part of the forum a year and a half ago.

The heartache I would go through, how much I'd hate myself if I messed up-it would be bad-very bad...I care a lot about my friend. I do hope she gets help.