A few Poems

[infectedmushroom]

It's 1.30, I can't sleep and I need to, so i've decided to post a few short poems. Enjoy

Happiness
The peaceful warm day whisks the spirit away to a tower perched high above grief.

Safe above ones content with a life-long well spent looking down on ones troubles and fears.

To never return is nirvana we yearn from the bottom of world weary hearts.

Paranoia at a Bus Stop

Raw, like I’m skinless, left stripped and exposed

To burning gazes of eyes that molest me.

Fear now tightly holds my movements

As I know this shell is fragile and frail.

Step back;

These thoughts are my own.

An Ode to the Opiate Queen

An ode to you, Opiate queen, thief of grief

No other plant placed on this earth is more certain

To soothe the heavy, sorrowful soul;

I live in constant awe and fear of you, opiate queen

There is no heart so broken you cannot comfort it

No suffering so great you cannot subdue.

You are always with me

Even when I try to turn away

Oh how strong a soul is needed to forget you!

When you are the panacea for the pitifulness

Of all this world encumbers.

 

[xxxyyy]

did someone have laudanum for breakfast? good stuff.

 

[infectedmushroom]

Shucks, thanks

I have a pretty fanciful mind so I wasn't high at all when I scribbled that

I would like to try Laudanum for breakfast one day as well

 

[Xeromatosis]

I like it, you don't often see so much variation in style with aspiring poets!

Liked the first one best so we'll look hard

Happiness

----------------------5-----------------------6-------------------------9

The peaceful warm day whisks the spirit away to a tower perched high above grief.

--------------------6---------------------------6---------------------------------------9

Safe above ones content with a life-long well spent looking down on ones troubles and fears.

-----------------------5-----------------------6--------------------------------------9

To never return is nirvana we yearn from the bottom of world weary hearts.

God i love good Rhythm.
The stress pattern was cool, not quite shakespearean but who wants to mimic someone else? It didn't break the beat and actually gave the piece an almost haiku like vibe.
I adore the internal rhyme--blank verse pattern! I'm definitely experimenting with that later.
The numbers above are syllable counts for each of the beat division sections and again it has many haiku like aspects.Now it works fine as is, yet i still suspect that the piece will flow better if you either make them all 5-6-9 or 6-6-9. The differentiation just trips up my tongue a little, i expect one beat count and have to force the rhythm forward when something different comes. Hard to do though as this fucks with your already more the acceptable stress pattern, experiment if you care to i guess. You might try an adjective before peaceful and a qualifier (maybe "yet"?) before "To never" or else swap "above ones" for a single 2 syllable word; i wouldn't fault you for cheating by reducing above to o'er either.
Basically nothing else i'd want to change, i like it a lot.

My second favorite,

Paranoia at a Bus Stop

Now i read this about five times completely without understanding.
Then i read the title and laughed aloud, half embarrassed and half amused.
I like your usage of raw and skinless--extremely vivid.

You finished strong:

Step back, These thoughts are my own.

is almost disconcertingly reminiscent of paranoid behavior, you always see such people surrounded but desperate not to be approached. Meanwhile the bit about thoughts subtly suggests something aversively near madness.

Fear now tightly holds my movements
As I know this shell is fragile and frail.

was the weakest part by far, its not hardly as impactful as the rest and the word choice is a little boring. Madness and paranoia make me think of exotic, garish, or dramatic phrasing, i won't pretend to tell you how but you might even just rewrite those lines. Not to say that it's a poor effort, indeed far better then your average layman.


Now the last one i didn't care for so i won't say much,

An Ode to the Opiate Queen

Really it's just that i can't hope to relate having never been REALLY addicted to an opiate and i imagine you were inspired by experience.
It just seemed a topic trodden enough already.
Though grudgingly i concede that it is well written.

You are always with me
Even when I try to turn away

Is a haunting homily that i liked a lot. You impart heavy meaning with such basic words!

and finally

panacea for the pitifulness

is quite a creative alliteration and i'd quite forgotten panacea was even a word!

all in all, well done and hope to see more.

 

[infectedmushroom]

Thank you so much Xeromatosis!

I wouldn't quite consider myself an aspiring poet, but I really do appreciate all of your constructive feedback. I have a lot of things to read up on an educate myself with now, because to be honest, I have no idea about most of things you're talking about

I see how in Happiness the structure doesn't allow for optimum smoothness in reading, but as much as changing it would make it more accessible, I do want to make the reader force the rythm a little bit - just because the actual content isn't overly original or interesting in itself.

In Paranoia at a Bus Stop, I really regret not giving myself some more time to come up with a more creative middle section, but I'll work on it.

And the last one; well, I know it's sappy, but I really feel everything I say in it, even though it's been done to death...

So, a lot to work on. Thank you again