• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

A calculated Risk

duanomatic

duanomatic

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 26, 2011
Messages
141
I made the mistake of discovering drugs about five years ago. At first I just thought they were recreational, like we all did. But then I made what I thought was a breakthrough discovery....they could actually IMPROVE my life! Now I'm not talking about weekend MDMA, occasional LSD, or what have you, but a strictly disciplined regimen that would help me overcome some of the barriers in life that have prevented me from achieving my goals (anxiety, insomnia, etc).

So for roughly the last year or so, I've been on a regimen of some type of highly pure amphetamine sulfate (occasional methamphetamine, but my the quality of this from my source varies quite a bit) first thing in the morning. Usually a bit euphoric on my drive to work, but coworkers usually chalk it up to coffee. Now throughout the day, I'd go through about 6 mg alprazolam, .5 mg at a time, spaced out a few hours each. This took off any edginess from the amp. I work in sales, a job I NEVER used to be able to do naturally, and am excelling. I make great money, and every day is actually FUN. Hell, I even work 12-14 hour days and am always in a good mood. When I get home, I watch a couple hours of tv, take an extra xan if needed to calm down some more, then usually 10 mg zolpidem (sometimes 5) if I'm lucky, will put me down. Wake up, repeat.

I've missed the last two days of work due to a legit illness (some type of laryngitis..i can't speak and have flu-like symptoms that are gradually improving). In my time sitting at home..i've done some thinking about how much travelling I do in company vehicles, and how many risks I take on a daily basis while on my regimen. But in this six months Ive slendered down to my college weight, all my clothes fit well, I'm getting attention from chicks again, and generally in a better mood. I know this can't end well, but don't want to go back to my old self, where keeping the weight off, working, and meeting people is such a chore. Not to mention I have the personality of a cardboard box.

Just thinking about this is getting me really fucking depressed. I know my problem is not as serious as most of yours on here, but I also know everyone has their own "bottoms." Thank you for reading. I hope somebody has a similar experience....needing drugs just to feel.....normal?
 
Amphetamines bring you down. They deplete your serotonin output and down-regulate your serotonin receptors. You're going to need more and more amphetamine to reach baseline until eventually it doesn't work anymore, and you'll be forced to quit. At that point you will experience the worst emotional hell of your life.

They also deplete your adrenal system by forcing your body to work beyond its normal capacity. It's similar to how people who rely on coffee every day feel exhausted and unable to awaken in the morning if they don't have their cup of joe. Amphetamines are way worse though.

You need to stop what you're doing before the damage becomes so severe that you won't be able to function. The first little while might be hard but after the first month you will start to feel normal without the drug. Take adrenals like licorice root, holy basil, rhodiola, ashwaganda, ginseng, L-phenylalanine; and take neurotransmitter precursors like L-tyrosine (though it might not be super effective).

Ultimately your brain has to re-grow its own serotonin tree again and nothing is going to accomplish that but the passage of time and AVOIDING all amphetamine drugs.
 
i know this sounds so cheesy and hard to believe, but its soooo true. drugs dont make a person who they are. any changes the drugs create in you are already there somewhere. you just have to learn how to stimulate that side of you naturally. i dont know you, but i know you dont have the personality of a cardboard box and you could be a great salesman without the speed. you just need to change your lifestyle to put your brain in a similar state without the drugs, which can be done (changing the music you listen to, changing the people youre around, changing diet, exercising, making sure your body/brain is getting all the supplements/vitamins it needs) im sooo far from perfect, i dont practice all of what i just said, and i know the idea is overwhelming. but compared to where i was six months ago, its a night and day difference. im not saying start doing everything tomorrow. but just making slight changes to your routine could slightly improve your mindset, give you some positive momentum, and once you have that, you can build off of it :) we cant flip switches but we can make progress :) good luck, and if you want to change anything, know that you can and others have changed from worse. its daunting but NOT impossible. again good luck and feel free to h.m.u. if you ever need advice or just feel shitty and need to talk
 
Last edited:
Thank you guys for your input. I know you are both right. It's just a difficult path.

Foreigner...I am feeling so down right now bc i haven't been using the morning stim while i've been sick, and dialed back on the benzos. As far as tapering off, would you recommend easing back on both gradually or one before the other? The amp isn't addicting and doesnt cause withdrawals so i'm guessing that...
 
honestly, i think cutting the amp would leave you feeling exhausted, and then taking your current doses of benzos on top of that would make it difficult to function, id recommend the opposite, but any step forward is a good one so if you feel more comfortable tapering the amp first, go with that.
 
i think the 6mg of xanax is the worst part of this. Maybe you have ADD and should see a Dr. about treating it properly. I would taper both at the same time, little by little. You do not want to be in benzo withdrawal while on amphetamines. I've always used drugs to function better and it almost always ends up terrible, mostly because of tolerance or a lack of supply. I'd try to switch your amp use over to kratom, i hate recommending kratom all the time because it's another drug but it's far less harmful and it will stimulate you without ruining your life.
 
duanomatic,
You're still in the "honeymoon" phase, trust me it won't last. I used to do the same thing, was prescribed and took 30mg of adderall every morning, then another 15mg 2x, then 1mg alprazolam throughout the day, and 0.5 mg triazolam (halcion, old school hypnotic) to sleep. At first, it seemed to improve my life. But after awhile, you get tolerant to the benzos and amphetamines. You'll start taking more. I also drank heavily to counteract the jitteriness. You're moods are going to be all over the place. It's better to stop while you can, if you can. If you're already dependent on the Xanax, don't try to quit yourself, it's dangerous. I ended up relapsing on heroin and going to in-patient to get off all those pills.
It sounds like you might have some self-esteem issues. Seeing a talk therapist is money well spent. It would do more for you in the long-run. Just some advice from an ex-junkie.
 
gay.in.texas said:
i know this sounds so cheesy and hard to believe, but its soooo true. drugs dont make a person who they are. any changes the drugs create in you are already there somewhere. you just have to learn how to stimulate that side of you naturally.
Click to expand...

I totally agree with this. I know I say this all the time (old people repeat themselves=D) but I feel lucky to have started out my life in an era when things like shyness, social anxiety etc were not pathologized into disorders and we didn't know about any of the drugs that made things (temporarily) easier. So you had to slog along through the minefield inside your own head and build brick by brick the person you wanted to be. It doesn't mean that we all became confident well adjusted extroverts--far from it. But by virtue of the fact that we didn't have the drug option (or didn't know about it) we had to create whatever confidence we ended up with from scratch. You do have everything that drugs bring out in you inside you to be brought out (You may have to read that sentence twice but I think it makes sense!). The trick is learning to slowly increase habits that build the traits you are looking for.<3
 
i feel you brother. i havent learned much, ive still got a lot of time to learn. but one thing i did discover, while on drugs, i met this really nice girl who i fell in love with and she loved me. but she loved the drugged me. and i could never get past the 'what if' shes only with me because my personality on drugs? that kept me up at night.
ive tried self medicating in different ways also, and still do to this day. It never turns out well, besides the money of maintaining a habit..everything hits a dead end eventually. Its a fa-sad. Your wearing a mask.. Like herbavore said, drugs cant gift you with personalities that dont already exist in your brain somehwere..it just gives you the confidence to let them show themselves.

Drug addiction is like a poorly planned marriage. like Alley said, your on your honeymoon. After its over, you maintain a marriage to the drugs, And guess what? the girl you picked is a high maintenance bitch. So youll deal with her for some period of time until you cant take it, or afford it. then comes the inevitable divorce..which will come undoubtedly.. And divorce from her will make you wish you never got married.

the only way around that, is if you choose till death do us part. which if you dont decide to divorce her soon enough, she will kill you.

Hope this made at least a little sense, and good luck in making a decision. Sometimes it takes the experience to really figure it out, unless your lucky enough to figure it out beforehand :)
 
You guys are all so brutally right. I have been battling this monster of a flu these last three days (luckily I have been off work for two of them) and have called in sick to one. Over this time I have not taken any amp/meth, and minimal (1 mg xan) a day (.25 at a time or so). I have plenty of both substances to try and execute a taper. The bitch of it is this fucking cold.

It's going to be a long road back to my baseline self, but I'm prepared to take the first few steps this weekend, thought it will be hell. My alarm went off this morning and as I rolled over to reach for it, my body was shaking. And so it begins. fuck.

But I've got to get back to the normal me, and take a good hard look. What is the problem? I have invested in some psychiatric evaluation in the past, but to no avail. When I take that self inventory, i usually conclude that my life would ultimately be better with the drugs. Even though clean and sober, that shows that the drugs still have a hold on my mind.

Thanks for all your input, I'm going to try to put one foot in front of the other today. Everyone else going through something similar, but probably much worse, you are in my thoughts today.
 
duanomatic said:
Thank you guys for your input. I know you are both right. It's just a difficult path.

Foreigner...I am feeling so down right now bc i haven't been using the morning stim while i've been sick, and dialed back on the benzos. As far as tapering off, would you recommend easing back on both gradually or one before the other? The amp isn't addicting and doesnt cause withdrawals so i'm guessing that...
Click to expand...

every things addictive =D
 
eireann said:
every things addictive =D
Click to expand...

True. But you know what I mean. The stimulants are less dependency creating, for me anyways. Everyone is different.

I wish I could get high and addicted to something "harmless"....like jesus. lol. No offense to anyone out there.
 
Just want to post quickly that I'm five days in no stims, only took a half mg xanax today right before lunch....felt that uneasiness creeping in. Managed to get in a 35 minute elliptical session after work that really got some endorphins going that I haven't felt in this stretch. Things are looking up, I am fueled by the thought of a healthy, drug free self at the end of this road, ready to tackle my problems and shortcomings in a sober state of mind.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top