Hi!
Welcome to my blog of self pity and whining. I'm neither eloquent nor filled with deep thoughts that I'm unable to express -- so don't expect a literary masterpiece, please.
Me and alcohol
Meph is the second substance I've had abuse issues with. From age 20 to 23 I had a pretty crap alcohol problem. I'll shy away from "alcoholic" - technically I fit the definition, but I think that's better reserved for people who suffer physical withdrawal. I never drank in the morning or during the day, but managed about 130 units of alcohol a week. I convinced myself that this was ok and that i was "having fun" for about 2 years. In the last year I finally recognised it as a problem. A problem that I seemed powerless to get past.
My GP was no help ("you play computer games and watch TV in the evenings? No wonder you're an alcohol, what a boring and unrewarding life"). Eventually got it sorted with the help of a £240 an hour psychiatrist. Don't think he said anything that wasn't obvious -- but the obvious things didn't occur to me.
I was sober for about 3 months. Then a handful of binges spread over a another 4 months.
Though I'd cracked the habit and now drank significantly less than the average person, I still craved alcohol. I enjoyed MDMA recreationally, but to me it was orthoganal to booze.
Enter meph!
Enter meph, April 2009!
It's so obvious now that I just substituted one habit for another. Not for the same reasons - with alcohol I was trying to get away from anxiety, self loathing, etc etc. Meph was genuinely FUN! I did my first dose in the company of you fine BlueLighters, gabbling away in the EADD meph thread until gently nudged into the "I'm fucked" thread.
A bit of generic background
I feel horrible when I adopt a phrase usually used by opiate/other well'ard drug addicts. It feels like my poxy psychological addiction doesn't belong in the same class.
Nonetheless, I'd describe myself as a functioning addict.
I have a degree in maths & compsci, and I work in electronics engineering (professional geek). My job is pretty demanding, but I've yet to seriously fuck up because of alcohol/drugs. I take a lot of sick days - whereever possible I invent an excuse that allows me to take it from my holiday allowance and I think I'm getting a reputation for being unreliable, but my work is generally fine.
I'm 24, I lived alone until a few months ago when my boyfriend moved in. I'm debatably blonde ("dirty blonde", hell yes).
I have no hobbies. In my spare time (when not on drugs) I lounge in front of the TV (Hollyoaks is my secret vice. Oh yeah, I can't keep secrets), play games (WoW, replaying FFVII on ps3, that sorta thing). I surf the net and post on here and other forums. I chat and hang out with my fella.
I guess the important thing to notice there is that there's nothing that being fucked prevents me from doing. I have tried to adopt "rewarding" hobbies - but unfortunately I haven't found anything I enjoy yet. I guess I'm just a bad person.
Fella
My boyfriend is a fellow Bluelighter, mugabe. We met at a meetup in London, and a few awesome msn convos later, I was in full "yeeeek infatuation" mode. Lucky for me, so was he. I never believed in soulmates until I met him
He's a meph addict too - and certainly we have not helped each other with this, because of a mutual "don't harass me about my drug use" agreement.
Ancient history
For the "it all stems from your childhood" fans, yeah, probably. My dad was an abusive (that's physical+mental, not sexual) psychopath, left when I was 13, but not without doing quite a lot of damage before he did. My older sister looked after me so much and helped me to keep it together. Just as I'd pretty much picked up the pieces, she died in a freak accident age 23 while I was 15. I was completely numb to that and think I probably never really "dealt with it". Then my mum got arrested for dealing weed, 2 years later when I was 17.
Read into it if you want. I think the psychological torment my dad put me through has done some damage, but I don't think any of those things contributed to my current drug problems.
Oh. I'm 5'2. My natural weight is about 8st 5, probably hovering around 7st at the moment cos of the meph.
Welcome to my blog of self pity and whining. I'm neither eloquent nor filled with deep thoughts that I'm unable to express -- so don't expect a literary masterpiece, please.
Me and alcohol
Meph is the second substance I've had abuse issues with. From age 20 to 23 I had a pretty crap alcohol problem. I'll shy away from "alcoholic" - technically I fit the definition, but I think that's better reserved for people who suffer physical withdrawal. I never drank in the morning or during the day, but managed about 130 units of alcohol a week. I convinced myself that this was ok and that i was "having fun" for about 2 years. In the last year I finally recognised it as a problem. A problem that I seemed powerless to get past.
My GP was no help ("you play computer games and watch TV in the evenings? No wonder you're an alcohol, what a boring and unrewarding life"). Eventually got it sorted with the help of a £240 an hour psychiatrist. Don't think he said anything that wasn't obvious -- but the obvious things didn't occur to me.
I was sober for about 3 months. Then a handful of binges spread over a another 4 months.
Though I'd cracked the habit and now drank significantly less than the average person, I still craved alcohol. I enjoyed MDMA recreationally, but to me it was orthoganal to booze.
Enter meph!
Enter meph, April 2009!
It's so obvious now that I just substituted one habit for another. Not for the same reasons - with alcohol I was trying to get away from anxiety, self loathing, etc etc. Meph was genuinely FUN! I did my first dose in the company of you fine BlueLighters, gabbling away in the EADD meph thread until gently nudged into the "I'm fucked" thread.
A bit of generic background
I feel horrible when I adopt a phrase usually used by opiate/other well'ard drug addicts. It feels like my poxy psychological addiction doesn't belong in the same class.
Nonetheless, I'd describe myself as a functioning addict.
I have a degree in maths & compsci, and I work in electronics engineering (professional geek). My job is pretty demanding, but I've yet to seriously fuck up because of alcohol/drugs. I take a lot of sick days - whereever possible I invent an excuse that allows me to take it from my holiday allowance and I think I'm getting a reputation for being unreliable, but my work is generally fine.
I'm 24, I lived alone until a few months ago when my boyfriend moved in. I'm debatably blonde ("dirty blonde", hell yes).
I have no hobbies. In my spare time (when not on drugs) I lounge in front of the TV (Hollyoaks is my secret vice. Oh yeah, I can't keep secrets), play games (WoW, replaying FFVII on ps3, that sorta thing). I surf the net and post on here and other forums. I chat and hang out with my fella.
I guess the important thing to notice there is that there's nothing that being fucked prevents me from doing. I have tried to adopt "rewarding" hobbies - but unfortunately I haven't found anything I enjoy yet. I guess I'm just a bad person.
Fella
My boyfriend is a fellow Bluelighter, mugabe. We met at a meetup in London, and a few awesome msn convos later, I was in full "yeeeek infatuation" mode. Lucky for me, so was he. I never believed in soulmates until I met him
He's a meph addict too - and certainly we have not helped each other with this, because of a mutual "don't harass me about my drug use" agreement.
Ancient history
For the "it all stems from your childhood" fans, yeah, probably. My dad was an abusive (that's physical+mental, not sexual) psychopath, left when I was 13, but not without doing quite a lot of damage before he did. My older sister looked after me so much and helped me to keep it together. Just as I'd pretty much picked up the pieces, she died in a freak accident age 23 while I was 15. I was completely numb to that and think I probably never really "dealt with it". Then my mum got arrested for dealing weed, 2 years later when I was 17.
Read into it if you want. I think the psychological torment my dad put me through has done some damage, but I don't think any of those things contributed to my current drug problems.
Oh. I'm 5'2. My natural weight is about 8st 5, probably hovering around 7st at the moment cos of the meph.
