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A Beautiful Tragedy

Feldais

Feldais

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 7, 2011
Messages
54
Location
PDX....really fuck "Portlandia" that show takes ev


I really don't know how to start this thread. My mind is full of thoughts, memories, and regrettable choices. I think all of you can relate. But what I have come to realize is that not only am I a poly-substance abuser, but I am inlove with my addiction. Call it what ever you want, cop out, pathetic, sad. But truthfully I have found that when it comes to any drugs not only do they make you feel great but eventually you develop a relationship and ritual with them. When you are sober you think back to the good times, just as you would with a lost love. Does anyone out there know what I am talking about? And if what I do say is correct what is it going to take to get over all of it?

I long for real life love like what you see in books or movies, but have found it is rare and very hard to hold on to. Either you do too much or not enough and by the time you realize it, its gone. That is where my substance comes in. Contrary to popular belief they don't "numb". You still feel like shit, lonely, and scared. But at least when you are fucked up you simply don't care and get thru the day. Selfish I know, but the truth hurts right?

I don't know where I am in life right now and needed to at least say what was on my mind and find out if there are others out there who are also Beautiful Tragedies as I know I am. This is truly a dark side of life and I am scared I am becoming more adaptive to that darkness. What becomes of me is a mystery.

I hope tho that anyone who reads this and can relate has some comfort in knowing that you really are not alone. I know there has to be thousands, if not millions out there with thoughts like mine. Just inviting you all to the Dark Side of a dangerous love affair.
 
Shit I always feel alone lol Being a nomad is in my blood except for the whole murder and pillage. But I what I wrote hit me like a ton of bricks a few hours before and ate away til I put it in words! But I do try to look on the bright side of life (the Monty Python version). I think that is the only thing keeping me in this fixed game of LIFE!
 
I think you hit the nail on the head! However, I should have clarified by what I meant by "fixed". I am one of those crazy conspiracy theorists (one with a habit oh no lol) and what I have learned from books and life is that generally it is all one fixed game. Be born, make your parents buy you useless crap, grow up and do it all over again! I definitely have a dark view of life. And yes, addicts will always down play the negative effects of their addictions. Like a battered wife says she walked into a door. And I have found that rituals are one of the most irritatingly interesting aspects of addiction and can be just as addictive too. I have seen too many ex meth and coke users crush pills and line them up, just like when they did the meth/coke. And thank you for the welcome. This was my first thread and I figured TDS was a perfect place to find people that know and can give me different views of addiction and life. I do like an interesting idea......I am a conspiracy theorist lol
 
While substance abuse has many of the hallmarks of a dysfunctional relationship, your DOC will never love you back. It can take a long time to realise that.
 
Pretty much every addict develops a relationship/strong emotional bonds with X substance. It gives them something that they weren't getting anywhere else, and obviously the negative side effects usually aren't enough (until the breaking point) to get clean/end the relationship for good.

I wish you the best
 
Thanks guys. It helps more then you know (or you really DO know) to just blast this stuff out. While I am poly-substance, I do prefer the opiates. I have been trying hard not to fuck around with anything heavier then Percs. Cuz at least I can deal with that come down a lot better then most the pharms on the market atm. But, I also have been dabbling in Adderoll this past month, cuz lol well I am staying away from opiates. Crazy shit that don't make sense, but then again addiction really doesn't need to make sense right? And yes, I know my DOC will never love me back! That is why I used to call cocaine "Whitegirl" She's a beautiful whore that will take everything you got if you let her. Its getting out of the sick cycle of escaping when something triggers me that I really do need to work on. Thankfully, I do have a very understanding boyfriend that is willing to see me thru any sickness I may go thru and is always there to listen. So, Always Look on The Bright Side Life. I really think if he wasn't around I would be worse off then I am now. In many ways I am very lucky to have one person care that much, who hasn't turned their back and called it "tough love". Not many on here have that and I am very thankful.

So thank you everybody! I am gonna go lay down and watch Rosemary's Baby. lol Its that time of the month and that movie calls to me. lol Hey, Keep Portland Weird right? Thanks guys. Loves ya!
 
Lolie said:
While substance abuse has many of the hallmarks of a dysfunctional relationship, your DOC will never love you back. It can take a long time to realise that.
Click to expand...

This.

It's amazing how addicts can personify their addictions so intensely, or at least think of it as some kind of entity that will always be there for them (comfort) when in reality it's nothing. It's vapid, it's cold. It does not love or hate despite bringing both comfort and pain into the lives of millions. It is absolutely indifferent to anything and everyone, yet us addicts still manage to place it on some kind of pedestal.

Addiction is extremely fascinating as it has got to be one of the most complex facets of the human mind.
 
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