9 mo's off opiates... THoughts..

[cire113]

Ive got about 9 months clean off opiates and all drugs.. and although things are way better than before,, life still kinda sux..

Its kinda life sux sober but life sux more when im using...

I dont know .. Its like i cant live with drugs or without them...

I know using is not good.. its fucked up .. i been to xxx rehabs(too ashamed to say how many) and still wanna get high its fucked up!!

maybe im just having a bad day today or bad week

 

[villian]

Yeah, I think for life to be fulfilling with out drugs you need to spend a lot of times with loved ones or or doing stuff you really enjoy.. the day to day grind sober is kind of taxing, but I personally enjoy it better then the day to day hustle of doing dope, I'm too grown for that shit now..

On another note it's good to see you, and I'm glad your sober. You are the same age I am and I followed you pretty closely because you reminded me a lot of myself, I knew you hadn't posted in a few months and I hoped you were doing well.

I think what it all boils down to is what you said..even if life sucks, it wouldn't be any better if you were doing dope..

Congratulations on your 9 months, that is no easy feat..

 

[hurtin4certain]

Congrats man! I would give my life savings to be in your position right now. Just starting to look to get help.

 

[deadprez219]

congratulations, i envy your will power, the only thingi've managed to stop doing is injecting my drugs, no that snorting them is any better but at least i dont have to hide my arms from family members. i've only ever been able to get to 45 days. i've tried rehab, NA, jail didn't stop me either still got high in there. two of the things that NA has showed me though is that shit happens with or without sobriety and life sucks when you're high and when you're sober. i can tell you it will take years for cravings to completely go away and even then when you see something on tv that shows drug use or hear certain songs that you loved to listen to when you were loaded you could get a craving. you just have tobe strong and push on, that's all anyone can do.

 

[sista]

Congrats!!!!

CONGRATS on you clean time. Very long hill thats seems to be uphill all the time. You will see a down hill trend as long as you don't use another opiate.

I did dope for over half my life. Turn to sub believing the Lie's. So would never touch that crap again. I was clean for 8 mo before I caved and began oxy's. Finally I found Ibogaine and it really turned my life around. Was not the easiest thing I have done but for sure the best thing I did for myself.

Keep it up. IT will get better. I really hate all those AA slogans but some of them so true.

 

[sid3]

Hey Sista, your story sounds familar. Maybe I read about it on another site, IDK there's probably lots of sistas out there! But not as many that's done the ibogane.Probably even fewer sistas that are aware of the bupe lie, who takes the time to share lots of good info about it. I'm thinking you were posting on the same forum, IDK I could be clueless. Welcome to BL regardless

 

[villian]

Sista did you take an Iboga root extract or the Ibogaine HCl?

I have some root I've been sitting on for a few months but I've heard it's a more difficult experience then Ibogaine so I haven't tried it yet. Maybe one day..

 

[mymindisgoo]

i just wrote about this in the introduce yourself subforum. i'm clean for 41 days (longest in 5 years), and i really want to get high, as much as i know i shouldn't. i mean i really enjoy having a clear head, being almost normal weight (still 10lbs short), but i juts can't get it out of my head to do it "one more time.." i remember what my active addiction was like, being all groggy and shitty, cloudy headed, staying in my apartment all day. i don't only remember the good times, i remember all of it, how i was alone, and bored. but i still want to go back to it, at least once...

heres your 9 month chip.

 

[stuckinaloop]

41 days is an awesome accomplishment

dont fool your self into thinking you can chip

fuck i know its gonna take rehab (which ill be in soon) to get me 30 clean.

Everytime i came close in NA id fuck it up and not go back for months upon months

im tryin to get clean taperin on subs

its one day at a time but id fuckin throw a party if i had 41 days lol

 

[villian]

I think when you have spent many years getting high it is going to take at least a year or so before you stop having cravings, maybe considerably longer for some people.

I'm on probation again and I'd like to stay out of jail this time so I've pretty much accepted I've got to be sober for a couple years. I don't tell myself "I'm never going to use again", but I'm definitely not going to use again in the near future. In an ideal world I'd be sober the rest of my life and not feel I need drugs, but I think saying "Never again" puts a lot more stress on some people. The way I figure it, I had almost a decade of getting high every day and I'm still alive to talk about it, which is an accomplishment in itself. It probably is time to slow down.. getting to old for it etc.

Really though, I think after being sober for a couple years if you are able to get your life together enough where you can have a job you enjoy as well as some healthy relationships it will make the whole process a lot easier.

Congratulations on 41 days mindisgoo!

 

[cire113]

THe truth is if i Use again I KNOW whats gonna happen... ( Being alone, misery, hell)

If i stay sober anything can happen in my life.. its a big mystery...


I honestly how people do it.. its getting easier but the first few months were really hard

 

[MeddieFrac]

<snip>

 

[mymindisgoo]

yep^ thats addiction. just wanting to die. and then not bringing yourself to actually kill your self (in my case and a lot of others). people bash the steps, but the problem is that when it works, it works, and if it keeps people happy, and sober, so be it. you can't think about a month or a week from now, we all have only today. fuckin a you know the sun might not even rise tomorrow, we all might not even have it. but we have this minute, and if you dont get high for this one day, tomorrow you can start all over again, and wait out another day, if it happens (ha theres the meeting and rehab talking).

even if you use, you don't know whats gonna happen. this is a life and death situation. fuck i never did more than i had to (up to 120mg a day/oxy) but just that one day i do more than i could handle and i could be dead. while we're taking our break, the sickness is there outside the door doing push ups getting stronger waiting to take us over. it literally wants to kill us. yea it might be fun in the minute, but how fun is being cracked out and all alone? not very. the main point is, you can escape your problems for a few hours, or you can just deal with them straight on, cause we all know once the high is done the problems will be there unresolved and we'll be out a few bucks, unless your the one selling it. then with that comes the fact knowing that you literally are ruining peoples lives. thats something i won't be able to forgive my self for a long long time.

these 41 days have been real easy for me, the first 32 i was in a bubble. now i'm back in society and the triggers are there. fuck i got high in all the clothing i wear, broke lines down on the laptop i'm typing on, etc etc. and i'm not even in my apartment. it's gonna be hard when i leave philly and head back to nyc, when i'll really be on my own. even though i feel it doesn't count, it does because i wanted it, and i will no matter what my brain is telling me. my brain is literally so fucked up it's going to take years to repair it self. it certainly doesn't happen in 31 days...

thanks for the support peoples.

 

[ferrita]

Hey. I was talking about this earlier in another post. But I think it bears repeating. I had a very heavy iv heroin addiction for about six years. I was clean for 24 years. First off hughe congrats on 41 days man. Thos first few weeks and months leave you feeling so raw and on the edge. Just keep on one minute one hour one day at a time.

I was once told when you are addicted to something and you crave it the cravings are only at most 5 minutes at a time. I don't know if there is any validity to that but it stuck with me.

When I kicked heroin it was an old school kick. We didn't have subs back then and it was almost impossible to. Get into methadone clinics in my area as they were 35 to 50 miles away and they only took 20 clients at a time and you were put on a list to wair until either someone succeeded or failed at the program.

My partner in crime at the time saw me going down the fucking tubes in so many ways that he locled my ass in a room and would only let me out to cross the hall to the bathroom. I tried to escape a few times only to be physically tossed back in and locked up. No windows.

I was so sick I would lay on the bathroom floor and press my sweaty face to the cold tiles ir was one of the few things that felt okay. I would. Be on the toilet shitting my brains out while puking my guts out in the bathtub. I was in so much pain physically in my back my bones my legs that I would lay in that room on the floor sobbing while I would be drenched in detox sweat and roasting and freezing at the same time. The cold burns on my skin seemed to lst for weeks.

This was 10 days of pure hell. I had zero anything to comfort me. My habit was pretty big at 3 pkus grams a day everyday for 6 years. I truly think I came close to dying during this kick. I was almost 24 and I was dying. This kick was so brutal and horrendous that even though I wasn't ready to kick I was terrified to ever try it again.

I honestly think that had there been subs available or mmt program that I may never have gotten off. It was actually the utter brutality and hell from the kick that kept me clean for 24 yrs. All I had to do when I craved was to remember the wretchedness of what I went through to not use.

10 days of ungodly hell that left me so weeki could picture it in my mind and it would almost kill the cravings. It took another month to even start to get my strength back. It took a while to start functioning in society. It was foever for the rawness to ware off. That thought that wa implanted in my mind went along ways towards helping me that I could withstand any craving for 5 minutes even it it was every five minutes. Again I have no vality to back that up it was just somthing ingrained in me.

Eventually I went on to working fulltine and going to school full time and getting my bachelors degree in social work. I ended up working with mostly single parents and low income families most with drug problems. I would help them get clean. Get them section 8 housing. Get them in school. Often tutoring them through GED first some had scores as low as 3rd grade levels starting out. But id get them in community college for certificate programs in varipus skills and when done I wpuld kob match them and get them jobs with the county or state where we would pay their fisrt six months. Wages as a stipend so they could still get welfare TANF foos stamps meidcal and get paid so they could get on their feet. And about 90 percent of the time they got hired on at the end of their contract in well paying jobs with benefits so they could be self sufficient. If they wernt in compliance they would lose their housing and get kicked out of the program. When I became disabled due to a disease there we're 172 people in thos positions out f 248 I personally worked with and 10 years later ther are still 158 of them working in those jobs. Many went on to bachelors degrees or nursing liscenses or as certified truck drivers. This job was very rewarding to me in so many ways and I think I could not have beeb as successful in this profession if I had not went through it all myself.

24 yrs after I got clean. I relapsed. It was 3 weeks ago. It was in front of me and I couldn't resist the smell the look the thpught of the needle ritual etc. I gave in. I did 2 decent sized shots got toally trashed. Got 3od of the rigs and wole up the next day craving. I dint give in. I won't do it again. I was angry with myself but realized several reasons why I did it. Pain pain and more pain frm disease. Depression like crazy and I think just to test my own boundaries.

I tell you all this to give you hope that there is indeed a future after. Seripus addiction. Its all out there in the world if you want it. The world is truly your oyster and yopur life is just beginning again. Hang tough and rattle. Be kind to you. BTW I never suffered from PAWS. I never heard that term till bluelight. Honestly I was so damn happy to be clean and be don't with the unholy hell I went through to get clean that I was too damn happy to be be sad. It worked.

Again much luck to you. Congrats. Peace prayers and all good things to you.

 

[ferrita]

congrats! you can dobthis!

Hey. I was talking about this earlier in another post. But I think it bears repeating. I had a very heavy iv heroin addiction for about six years. I was clean for 24 years. First off hughe congrats on 41 days man. Thos first few weeks and months leave you feeling so raw and on the edge. Just keep on one minute one hour one day at a time.

I was once told when you are addicted to something and you crave it the cravings are only at most 5 minutes at a time. I don't know if there is any validity to that but it stuck with me.

When I kicked heroin it was an old school kick. We didn't have subs back then and it was almost impossible to. Get into methadone clinics in my area as they were 35 to 50 miles away and they only took 20 clients at a time and you were put on a list to wair until either someone succeeded or failed at the program.

My partner in crime at the time saw me going down the fucking tubes in so many ways that he locled my ass in a room and would only let me out to cross the hall to the bathroom. I tried to escape a few times only to be physically tossed back in and locked up. No windows.

I was so sick I would lay on the bathroom floor and press my sweaty face to the cold tiles ir was one of the few things that felt okay. I would. Be on the toilet shitting my brains out while puking my guts out in the bathtub. I was in so much pain physically in my back my bones my legs that I would lay in that room on the floor sobbing while I would be drenched in detox sweat and roasting and freezing at the same time. The cold burns on my skin seemed to lst for weeks.

This was 10 days of pure hell. I had zero anything to comfort me. My habit was pretty big at 3 pkus grams a day everyday for 6 years. I truly think I came close to dying during this kick. I was almost 24 and I was dying. This kick was so brutal and horrendous that even though I wasn't ready to kick I was terrified to ever try it again.

I honestly think that had there been subs available or mmt program that I may never have gotten off. It was actually the utter brutality and hell from the kick that kept me clean for 24 yrs. All I had to do when I craved was to remember the wretchedness of what I went through to not use.

10 days of ungodly hell that left me so weeki could picture it in my mind and it would almost kill the cravings. It took another month to even start to get my strength back. It took a while to start functioning in society. It was foever for the rawness to ware off. That thought that wa implanted in my mind went along ways towards helping me that I could withstand any craving for 5 minutes even it it was every five minutes. Again I have no vality to back that up it was just somthing ingrained in me.

Eventually I went on to working fulltine and going to school full time and getting my bachelors degree in social work. I ended up working with mostly single parents and low income families most with drug problems. I would help them get clean. Get them section 8 housing. Get them in school. Often tutoring them through GED first some had scores as low as 3rd grade levels starting out. But id get them in community college for certificate programs in varipus skills and when done I wpuld kob match them and get them jobs with the county or state where we would pay their fisrt six months. Wages as a stipend so they could still get welfare TANF foos stamps meidcal and get paid so they could get on their feet. And about 90 percent of the time they got hired on at the end of their contract in well paying jobs with benefits so they could be self sufficient. If they wernt in compliance they would lose their housing and get kicked out of the program. When I became disabled due to a disease there we're 172 people in thos positions out f 248 I personally worked with and 10 years later ther are still 158 of them working in those jobs. Many went on to bachelors degrees or nursing liscenses or as certified truck drivers. This job was very rewarding to me in so many ways and I think I could not have beeb as successful in this profession if I had not went through it all myself.

24 yrs after I got clean. I relapsed. It was 3 weeks ago. It was in front of me and I couldn't resist the smell the look the thpught of the needle ritual etc. I gave in. I did 2 decent sized shots got toally trashed. Got 3od of the rigs and wole up the next day craving. I dint give in. I won't do it again. I was angry with myself but realized several reasons why I did it. Pain pain and more pain frm disease. Depression like crazy and I think just to test my own boundaries.

I tell you all this to give you hope that there is indeed a future after. Seripus addiction. Its all out there in the world if you want it. The world is truly your oyster and yopur life is just beginning again. Hang tough and rattle. Be kind to you. BTW I never suffered from PAWS. I never heard that term till bluelight. Honestly I was so damn happy to be clean and be don't with the unholy hell I went through to get clean that I was too damn happy to be be sad. It worked.

Again much luck to you. Congrats. Peace prayers and all good things to you.

 

[attempt4]

Hey. I was talking about this earlier in another post. But I think it bears repeating. I had a very heavy iv heroin addiction for about six years. I was clean for 24 years. First off hughe congrats on 41 days man. Thos first few weeks and months leave you feeling so raw and on the edge. Just keep on one minute one hour one day at a time.

I was once told when you are addicted to something and you crave it the cravings are only at most 5 minutes at a time. I don't know if there is any validity to that but it stuck with me.

When I kicked heroin it was an old school kick. We didn't have subs back then and it was almost impossible to. Get into methadone clinics in my area as they were 35 to 50 miles away and they only took 20 clients at a time and you were put on a list to wair until either someone succeeded or failed at the program.

My partner in crime at the time saw me going down the fucking tubes in so many ways that he locled my ass in a room and would only let me out to cross the hall to the bathroom. I tried to escape a few times only to be physically tossed back in and locked up. No windows.

I was so sick I would lay on the bathroom floor and press my sweaty face to the cold tiles ir was one of the few things that felt okay. I would. Be on the toilet shitting my brains out while puking my guts out in the bathtub. I was in so much pain physically in my back my bones my legs that I would lay in that room on the floor sobbing while I would be drenched in detox sweat and roasting and freezing at the same time. The cold burns on my skin seemed to lst for weeks.

This was 10 days of pure hell. I had zero anything to comfort me. My habit was pretty big at 3 pkus grams a day everyday for 6 years. I truly think I came close to dying during this kick. I was almost 24 and I was dying. This kick was so brutal and horrendous that even though I wasn't ready to kick I was terrified to ever try it again.

I honestly think that had there been subs available or mmt program that I may never have gotten off. It was actually the utter brutality and hell from the kick that kept me clean for 24 yrs. All I had to do when I craved was to remember the wretchedness of what I went through to not use.

10 days of ungodly hell that left me so weeki could picture it in my mind and it would almost kill the cravings. It took another month to even start to get my strength back. It took a while to start functioning in society. It was foever for the rawness to ware off. That thought that wa implanted in my mind went along ways towards helping me that I could withstand any craving for 5 minutes even it it was every five minutes. Again I have no vality to back that up it was just somthing ingrained in me.

Eventually I went on to working fulltine and going to school full time and getting my bachelors degree in social work. I ended up working with mostly single parents and low income families most with drug problems. I would help them get clean. Get them section 8 housing. Get them in school. Often tutoring them through GED first some had scores as low as 3rd grade levels starting out. But id get them in community college for certificate programs in varipus skills and when done I wpuld kob match them and get them jobs with the county or state where we would pay their fisrt six months. Wages as a stipend so they could still get welfare TANF foos stamps meidcal and get paid so they could get on their feet. And about 90 percent of the time they got hired on at the end of their contract in well paying jobs with benefits so they could be self sufficient. If they wernt in compliance they would lose their housing and get kicked out of the program. When I became disabled due to a disease there we're 172 people in thos positions out f 248 I personally worked with and 10 years later ther are still 158 of them working in those jobs. Many went on to bachelors degrees or nursing liscenses or as certified truck drivers. This job was very rewarding to me in so many ways and I think I could not have beeb as successful in this profession if I had not went through it all myself.

24 yrs after I got clean. I relapsed. It was 3 weeks ago. It was in front of me and I couldn't resist the smell the look the thpught of the needle ritual etc. I gave in. I did 2 decent sized shots got toally trashed. Got 3od of the rigs and wole up the next day craving. I dint give in. I won't do it again. I was angry with myself but realized several reasons why I did it. Pain pain and more pain frm disease. Depression like crazy and I think just to test my own boundaries.

I tell you all this to give you hope that there is indeed a future after. Seripus addiction. Its all out there in the world if you want it. The world is truly your oyster and yopur life is just beginning again. Hang tough and rattle. Be kind to you. BTW I never suffered from PAWS. I never heard that term till bluelight. Honestly I was so damn happy to be clean and be don't with the unholy hell I went through to get clean that I was too damn happy to be be sad. It worked.

Again much luck to you. Congrats. Peace prayers and all good things to you.

Fascinating. Inspiring.

Tremendous post indeed. I do worry about your recent relapse though...Its incredible and rather strange that randomly after 24 whole years that you should suddenly THEN momentarily lose willpower.

How did you find yourself sitting by some smack 3 weeks ago, man?

 

[sista]

Sista did you take an Iboga root extract or the Ibogaine HCl?

I have some root I've been sitting on for a few months but I've heard it's a more difficult experience then Ibogaine so I haven't tried it yet. Maybe one day..

Sorry... dont come here often.

I did HCL both treatments. Worked like a charm.

Sid... I am sure we are from the same sites..... your sounding great!!!!!!!

 

[theseeker]

Hey. I was talking about this earlier in another post. But I think it bears repeating. I had a very heavy iv heroin addiction for about six years. I was clean for 24 years. First off hughe congrats on 41 days man. Thos first few weeks and months leave you feeling so raw and on the edge. Just keep on one minute one hour one day at a time.

I was once told when you are addicted to something and you crave it the cravings are only at most 5 minutes at a time. I don't know if there is any validity to that but it stuck with me.

When I kicked heroin it was an old school kick. We didn't have subs back then and it was almost impossible to. Get into methadone clinics in my area as they were 35 to 50 miles away and they only took 20 clients at a time and you were put on a list to wair until either someone succeeded or failed at the program.

My partner in crime at the time saw me going down the fucking tubes in so many ways that he locled my ass in a room and would only let me out to cross the hall to the bathroom. I tried to escape a few times only to be physically tossed back in and locked up. No windows.

I was so sick I would lay on the bathroom floor and press my sweaty face to the cold tiles ir was one of the few things that felt okay. I would. Be on the toilet shitting my brains out while puking my guts out in the bathtub. I was in so much pain physically in my back my bones my legs that I would lay in that room on the floor sobbing while I would be drenched in detox sweat and roasting and freezing at the same time. The cold burns on my skin seemed to lst for weeks.

This was 10 days of pure hell. I had zero anything to comfort me. My habit was pretty big at 3 pkus grams a day everyday for 6 years. I truly think I came close to dying during this kick. I was almost 24 and I was dying. This kick was so brutal and horrendous that even though I wasn't ready to kick I was terrified to ever try it again.

I honestly think that had there been subs available or mmt program that I may never have gotten off. It was actually the utter brutality and hell from the kick that kept me clean for 24 yrs. All I had to do when I craved was to remember the wretchedness of what I went through to not use.

10 days of ungodly hell that left me so weeki could picture it in my mind and it would almost kill the cravings. It took another month to even start to get my strength back. It took a while to start functioning in society. It was foever for the rawness to ware off. That thought that wa implanted in my mind went along ways towards helping me that I could withstand any craving for 5 minutes even it it was every five minutes. Again I have no vality to back that up it was just somthing ingrained in me.

Eventually I went on to working fulltine and going to school full time and getting my bachelors degree in social work. I ended up working with mostly single parents and low income families most with drug problems. I would help them get clean. Get them section 8 housing. Get them in school. Often tutoring them through GED first some had scores as low as 3rd grade levels starting out. But id get them in community college for certificate programs in varipus skills and when done I wpuld kob match them and get them jobs with the county or state where we would pay their fisrt six months. Wages as a stipend so they could still get welfare TANF foos stamps meidcal and get paid so they could get on their feet. And about 90 percent of the time they got hired on at the end of their contract in well paying jobs with benefits so they could be self sufficient. If they wernt in compliance they would lose their housing and get kicked out of the program. When I became disabled due to a disease there we're 172 people in thos positions out f 248 I personally worked with and 10 years later ther are still 158 of them working in those jobs. Many went on to bachelors degrees or nursing liscenses or as certified truck drivers. This job was very rewarding to me in so many ways and I think I could not have beeb as successful in this profession if I had not went through it all myself.

24 yrs after I got clean. I relapsed. It was 3 weeks ago. It was in front of me and I couldn't resist the smell the look the thpught of the needle ritual etc. I gave in. I did 2 decent sized shots got toally trashed. Got 3od of the rigs and wole up the next day craving. I dint give in. I won't do it again. I was angry with myself but realized several reasons why I did it. Pain pain and more pain frm disease. Depression like crazy and I think just to test my own boundaries.

I tell you all this to give you hope that there is indeed a future after. Seripus addiction. Its all out there in the world if you want it. The world is truly your oyster and yopur life is just beginning again. Hang tough and rattle. Be kind to you. BTW I never suffered from PAWS. I never heard that term till bluelight. Honestly I was so damn happy to be clean and be don't with the unholy hell I went through to get clean that I was too damn happy to be be sad. It worked.

Again much luck to you. Congrats. Peace prayers and all good things to you.

What an awesome story! Respect!!!

 

[theartofwar]

lotta respect to you all -- this is the longest I've been w/out opies in ages and I know how you guys feel , stay strong .

 

[bagochina]

cire113, I know I read in one of your posts you got back on a script for oxycodone. How is that working out? Feeling good.

peace.
seedless