I didn't realise I posted blogs here almost 2 years ago. I thought things would get better with time, but no. I wish I knew why I was like this. Well, I think I know but it doesn't help me.. but maybe I need to find the route cause..
I'm so tired. Slept for sn hour and a half in the last 48 hours.
God I wish I had more drugs. Wait, no I don't, that's part of why I feel so shit. I don't know what to do. The one thing I love, which makes me feel good, which I can truist on, which just let me be happy and ~be~ is fucking me up more and more.
I don't want to think about life sober, it's horrifying. Not having anything to hold back on.. I never dealt with my problems before, all I've done is go from one shit self destructive mechanism to another.
I don't feel like a person anymore. I guess that's what I wanted though- to block out emotions, but now -- ??! Argh I can't explain/ put into words. I just wish I had an off sleep, that I could go back and bitch slap the younger me, or go back before then and just be someone happy, sober, healthy, with a good conscience, not guilty, anxiety free, with a strong sense of identity and self acceptance. All I feel is anxiety or that depressiing nothingness. No natural happiness. I know I need to stop bitching, but I don't understand what the fuck I want/ feel. This sort of helps.. I can start to rationalise obvious depressive/ negative thinking, unblock stuff by forcing myself to put things into words. It doesn't help though. But i guess it does.
Saying I don't feel anything is a lie, before I just broke down and cried- I guess that means I'm not a psychopath. Woooohooo.
I think maybe I should man the fuck up, book an appointment with this substance abuse support place close by. And fucking just get out of the house and do something meaningful. I'm such an ungrateful person. Either I try and change things now, or just give up. Im sick of being in the middle. I need to choose a side, instead of being in limbo.
I'm so tired. Slept for sn hour and a half in the last 48 hours.
God I wish I had more drugs. Wait, no I don't, that's part of why I feel so shit. I don't know what to do. The one thing I love, which makes me feel good, which I can truist on, which just let me be happy and ~be~ is fucking me up more and more.
I don't want to think about life sober, it's horrifying. Not having anything to hold back on.. I never dealt with my problems before, all I've done is go from one shit self destructive mechanism to another.
I don't feel like a person anymore. I guess that's what I wanted though- to block out emotions, but now -- ??! Argh I can't explain/ put into words. I just wish I had an off sleep, that I could go back and bitch slap the younger me, or go back before then and just be someone happy, sober, healthy, with a good conscience, not guilty, anxiety free, with a strong sense of identity and self acceptance. All I feel is anxiety or that depressiing nothingness. No natural happiness. I know I need to stop bitching, but I don't understand what the fuck I want/ feel. This sort of helps.. I can start to rationalise obvious depressive/ negative thinking, unblock stuff by forcing myself to put things into words. It doesn't help though. But i guess it does.
Saying I don't feel anything is a lie, before I just broke down and cried- I guess that means I'm not a psychopath. Woooohooo.
I think maybe I should man the fuck up, book an appointment with this substance abuse support place close by. And fucking just get out of the house and do something meaningful. I'm such an ungrateful person. Either I try and change things now, or just give up. Im sick of being in the middle. I need to choose a side, instead of being in limbo.