I am not sure what on earth caused me to log onto this website, I have very little to no record of my life before this year, having burned all pictures and journals, deleted all blogs and social network accounts and trying to delete any trace of myself on the internet, this website came to mind randomly. Now I wanted to delete this account but It appears I cant, even some of my posts are glued on here possibly forever. So, I suppose I would just give my official farewell to this lifestyle and this site, and try to redeem myself. Here is my closing statement.
I sit here writing to you at age 31, having started on a path of indulgence in drugs and alcohol at around 17, and really stepping into the realm of drug experimentation and dependence around 22. I had met my first love then, and perplexed by the fact that he wished to attempt to spend his life with me, I was determined to hold on to him since I didnt deem myself worthy of any kind of love and thought that the opportunity would never come again. You see, I was a very lost and dark scared confused young woman then, I dont think I could call myself a woman even at the time. I hated life and didnt see its point, its purpose. It seemed cruel-this world (and yes it is ) and there was no light within reach. My heart was black, hard. My self esteem was slim to none. My consciousness-underdeveloped-and stagnantly in a perpetual loop of ignorance, hatred and fear. But there was a tiny, little ray of hope, and a small little flicker of a will to survive and discover truth-and it was enough to keep me holding on by a thread for the next 7 years.
I have deleted most of the evidence here that revealed the atrocious amount of drugs I put into my body, but I can tell you that it was an unGodly amount, and should have either made me brain-dead or dead period-but thank God I am alive here today writing this to you with only minor issues left to tackle. (though self work is a lifelong process) This lifestyle was one epic escape, but an impermanent, fading pseudo-solution to the deep need to evolve in consciousness and in the heart, because it is nothing but a chemical illusion. I cant say that, I didnt have experiences that didn't leave me amazed, euphoric, thoughtful, and able to look at things from unique states of consciousness and perspective. I Cant say it wasnt fun sometimes. I can say however that I took it too far. It became the only reality I wanted to exist in, It became my focus and my only spiritual path. It lead me to a whole lot of false "realizations" and false spirituality. Because of that, i opened up pandoras box in the realm of evil. Also, I couldnt withhold the waking reality I truly lived in. I crashed and burned more times than necessary. Some really horrible, painful events took place that smashed my heart into a million pieces. I lost everything and I lost myself.
I couldn't get back up without falling down harder. I tried to cover up my pain with the band-aid of Benzo-diazepines and ended up a loopy airheaded zombie addict with a huge lack of judgment and a careless approach toward life and decision making which only made my issues worse. How come, after every single dose of psychedelics, over time the experience just faded and I was left confused again? Because its false, thats why. Real spirituality comes in sobriety with discipline and truth only comes from the state of truth that the heart resides within. Many people-even myself will fight tooth and nail for psychedelics and certain drugs-and I am sure there is a time and place for them when the idea of pharmaceuticals is out of the question and it should be avoided at all costs when possible-But I would not recommend a young person to dive into these realms especially when you really don't know the truth of what you are doing when you make such a decision. Your body is a sacred blessing given to you, you don't own it. To abuse it, is an evil and arrogant thing to do.
To make a very long story short-Apparently this was my path and every event -though so many of them so seemingly unnecessary-lead me to this moment. This moment, very sober, living a normal adult life finally after fighting to get on my feet for so long, after discovering Islam-even with the worlds so deeply disturbed interpretation of it-It was and is the best decision of my life, and a path worth fighting for. I am happy. I am alive. I am engaged to be married to the most kindhearted loving pure person I have ever known in my life. I am blessed, happy , and striving so hard to purify my heart daily. I am sorry for, the mess I shared on this website , in the event that I may have given misguiding information or encouraged a behavior which was detrimental to the soul. I was lost.
If it is the truth you seek, if it is the path of the heart you seek, if you have the courage-Call out for it, and be sincere-You will in the right time-discover it. God willing.
I sit here writing to you at age 31, having started on a path of indulgence in drugs and alcohol at around 17, and really stepping into the realm of drug experimentation and dependence around 22. I had met my first love then, and perplexed by the fact that he wished to attempt to spend his life with me, I was determined to hold on to him since I didnt deem myself worthy of any kind of love and thought that the opportunity would never come again. You see, I was a very lost and dark scared confused young woman then, I dont think I could call myself a woman even at the time. I hated life and didnt see its point, its purpose. It seemed cruel-this world (and yes it is ) and there was no light within reach. My heart was black, hard. My self esteem was slim to none. My consciousness-underdeveloped-and stagnantly in a perpetual loop of ignorance, hatred and fear. But there was a tiny, little ray of hope, and a small little flicker of a will to survive and discover truth-and it was enough to keep me holding on by a thread for the next 7 years.
I have deleted most of the evidence here that revealed the atrocious amount of drugs I put into my body, but I can tell you that it was an unGodly amount, and should have either made me brain-dead or dead period-but thank God I am alive here today writing this to you with only minor issues left to tackle. (though self work is a lifelong process) This lifestyle was one epic escape, but an impermanent, fading pseudo-solution to the deep need to evolve in consciousness and in the heart, because it is nothing but a chemical illusion. I cant say that, I didnt have experiences that didn't leave me amazed, euphoric, thoughtful, and able to look at things from unique states of consciousness and perspective. I Cant say it wasnt fun sometimes. I can say however that I took it too far. It became the only reality I wanted to exist in, It became my focus and my only spiritual path. It lead me to a whole lot of false "realizations" and false spirituality. Because of that, i opened up pandoras box in the realm of evil. Also, I couldnt withhold the waking reality I truly lived in. I crashed and burned more times than necessary. Some really horrible, painful events took place that smashed my heart into a million pieces. I lost everything and I lost myself.
I couldn't get back up without falling down harder. I tried to cover up my pain with the band-aid of Benzo-diazepines and ended up a loopy airheaded zombie addict with a huge lack of judgment and a careless approach toward life and decision making which only made my issues worse. How come, after every single dose of psychedelics, over time the experience just faded and I was left confused again? Because its false, thats why. Real spirituality comes in sobriety with discipline and truth only comes from the state of truth that the heart resides within. Many people-even myself will fight tooth and nail for psychedelics and certain drugs-and I am sure there is a time and place for them when the idea of pharmaceuticals is out of the question and it should be avoided at all costs when possible-But I would not recommend a young person to dive into these realms especially when you really don't know the truth of what you are doing when you make such a decision. Your body is a sacred blessing given to you, you don't own it. To abuse it, is an evil and arrogant thing to do.
To make a very long story short-Apparently this was my path and every event -though so many of them so seemingly unnecessary-lead me to this moment. This moment, very sober, living a normal adult life finally after fighting to get on my feet for so long, after discovering Islam-even with the worlds so deeply disturbed interpretation of it-It was and is the best decision of my life, and a path worth fighting for. I am happy. I am alive. I am engaged to be married to the most kindhearted loving pure person I have ever known in my life. I am blessed, happy , and striving so hard to purify my heart daily. I am sorry for, the mess I shared on this website , in the event that I may have given misguiding information or encouraged a behavior which was detrimental to the soul. I was lost.
If it is the truth you seek, if it is the path of the heart you seek, if you have the courage-Call out for it, and be sincere-You will in the right time-discover it. God willing.