i just wanted to put that out there, i'm roughly 78 days sober, and to be honest.. i still feel like shit. all of those feelings that i would cover up by drinking are starting to come out, and it really fucking sucks. i don't like a lot of those feelings because they come from my past, and its a motherfucker waking up at 2am crying about some shit that i went through when i was 11.
I would like to also mention that i am in a alcohol treatment program, it's a 6-9 month program and I am going into my third month of being there. I've seen a lot of people come and go, out of like 50? people that i jonied the program with theres 3 of us that remain. its not a hard program at all, i mean the first month and a half did suck, i accepted the fact that i was an alcoholic and needed help, and if i were to keep drinking the way i was drinking before i got into the program then i would have been dead. i'm saying that because if you are an alcoholic of the hopeless variety like me then our life span isn't all that great. i had to accept the fact that i was indeed an alcoholic before i even got here, and really..my alcoholism had me believing that drinking mouthwash and hand sanatizer was normal. i drank because i liked the effect produced by it, if you drank for the taste the same shit i drank then my hat is off to you.
i'm still pretty early in my recovery, the entire god concept still has me thinking, there are times where i'm thinking shit like, 'if there is a god then why are there so many kids dieing from hunger in third world countries'? i look at all the people that have many years in recovery and a lot of them go to church, I still havn't made it that far. everyday i wake up i tell myself that i am an alcoholic because i like to say 'hey today is a good day to get shit faced', and knowing that i am an alcoholic is half the battle and at least i have made it that far.
alcoholism has fucking ruined my life, i'd like to say that i have a family that cares for me and all the good stuff that goes along with it,ecept that isn't the case. my last 'spree' destroyed the chance of me re-building my family again. I had to accept that I have no family and am getting sober just for my sake. those feelings i get from cutting my family out of my life is really fucking my head up, i have family thats sick and dieing and trying to stuff that shit deep in my head is making me feel like shit, and the thought of 'hey a drink sounds good' crosses my mind. i'm still trying to cope with that shit, but today i am not going to drink over it, i work a selfish program and for once in my life i have to do this sobriety thing just for me. it wont work another way because i've tried, countless times to get sober for my family,job,girlfriends,etc and they all end the same way, with me being homeless with nowhere to go.
i would like to say that i am happy today, but i would be lieing to you. today i am just grateful that i woke up in a bed, with breakfast to eat and somewhere to wash my ass and brush my teeth. the day isn't over and that list will only get bigger. if i do decided to take a drink today then the chances of you seeing or hearing from me ever again are really not so good. i have to learn that when i do 'drink/drug' then bad things happen every time. and i am sick of bad things happening to me because i'm not such a bad guy, i just make really bad decisions.
starting next week i will be working in the kitchen at the recovery center that i'm at, that means for 2 days out of the week i will be waking up at 3:30am and working until 11pm that night preparing meals for 250-350 homeless people, i am really looking foward to that because i like to eat, and i know that the walk in fridge at where i'm at is loaded full of donuts and tons of sweets.
just for today i am grateful that i'm not dead, and get to experience the good vibes i get by helping another alcoholic.
I would like to also mention that i am in a alcohol treatment program, it's a 6-9 month program and I am going into my third month of being there. I've seen a lot of people come and go, out of like 50? people that i jonied the program with theres 3 of us that remain. its not a hard program at all, i mean the first month and a half did suck, i accepted the fact that i was an alcoholic and needed help, and if i were to keep drinking the way i was drinking before i got into the program then i would have been dead. i'm saying that because if you are an alcoholic of the hopeless variety like me then our life span isn't all that great. i had to accept the fact that i was indeed an alcoholic before i even got here, and really..my alcoholism had me believing that drinking mouthwash and hand sanatizer was normal. i drank because i liked the effect produced by it, if you drank for the taste the same shit i drank then my hat is off to you.
i'm still pretty early in my recovery, the entire god concept still has me thinking, there are times where i'm thinking shit like, 'if there is a god then why are there so many kids dieing from hunger in third world countries'? i look at all the people that have many years in recovery and a lot of them go to church, I still havn't made it that far. everyday i wake up i tell myself that i am an alcoholic because i like to say 'hey today is a good day to get shit faced', and knowing that i am an alcoholic is half the battle and at least i have made it that far.
alcoholism has fucking ruined my life, i'd like to say that i have a family that cares for me and all the good stuff that goes along with it,ecept that isn't the case. my last 'spree' destroyed the chance of me re-building my family again. I had to accept that I have no family and am getting sober just for my sake. those feelings i get from cutting my family out of my life is really fucking my head up, i have family thats sick and dieing and trying to stuff that shit deep in my head is making me feel like shit, and the thought of 'hey a drink sounds good' crosses my mind. i'm still trying to cope with that shit, but today i am not going to drink over it, i work a selfish program and for once in my life i have to do this sobriety thing just for me. it wont work another way because i've tried, countless times to get sober for my family,job,girlfriends,etc and they all end the same way, with me being homeless with nowhere to go.
i would like to say that i am happy today, but i would be lieing to you. today i am just grateful that i woke up in a bed, with breakfast to eat and somewhere to wash my ass and brush my teeth. the day isn't over and that list will only get bigger. if i do decided to take a drink today then the chances of you seeing or hearing from me ever again are really not so good. i have to learn that when i do 'drink/drug' then bad things happen every time. and i am sick of bad things happening to me because i'm not such a bad guy, i just make really bad decisions.
starting next week i will be working in the kitchen at the recovery center that i'm at, that means for 2 days out of the week i will be waking up at 3:30am and working until 11pm that night preparing meals for 250-350 homeless people, i am really looking foward to that because i like to eat, and i know that the walk in fridge at where i'm at is loaded full of donuts and tons of sweets.
just for today i am grateful that i'm not dead, and get to experience the good vibes i get by helping another alcoholic.
