7 months clean, is this it? Lol

[Phase0)))]

So I am kind of struggling. Bad actually, even though I enjoy that I am not high. So here's my situation:

My drugs of choice were mostly IV Heroin and other opiates, but also a lot of IV Meth and IV Crack (lemon juice baby). I was fucked for about 4 years. I started going to the Methadone clinic got up to 100mg. Felt like killing myself. Went to jail for about 3 months, withdrawing from Methadone there entire time. I would have gone insane if a couple of cellies hadn't snuck stuff up their butt and shared.

Anyways got released to a program which Drug Court paid for and did 3 months there. Most other people jumped the fence or relapsed after getting out. So I completed, went straight to an SLE which is where I am at now. But I feel life is now bland, devoid of pleasure, feeling cornered by pressures of re-integrating into society, stuck, etc. But I had 7 months clean yesterday nonetheless, and I picked up my chip. I am still very proud of that chip.

So here is my program:

-Have a kick ass sponsor
-Just got onto Step 4
-Try to attend meeting a day
- Service comm. and Home group
- Almost full time job, hopefully get a raise soon
-Taking assessment tests to go back to the JC
- and getting into working out extremely, like 4 times a week but 2 to 3 hours of lifting every time, supplementing HARD

Nonetheless, what am I doing? Get up if I was able to sleep, go to a meeting, go to work afterwards (I only work night shifts), come home at midnight, and try to sleep. Do it all over again the next day. And on my days off, be bored with life, no energy, waste the precious free time. Don't want to relapse, too much guilt if I did so I think I am good from that. But in response instead of wanting to get high, I often think of rather offing myself. I know I won't do it, can't do that to my family. But still, this life is no good, no better, but not worse. I feel trapped, cornered and like I am a hostage. Is my brain broken?

 

[RedLeader]

You feel trapped because you have a bunch of other people/things (sponsor, court, people who run your housing, etc) controlling your recovery and I'm sure they are having you follow some cookie-cutter recovery path that exists, if for no other reasons, because there are simply too many clients to treat you as individuals. I've been in that situation before and it's dehumanizing to anyone with reasonable intelligence. You're not really taking control of your own future, so you can only really feel so proud about the chips and whatnot. It's like you were once controlled by the drugs, and now you're controlled by the forces that want to keep you off of the drugs. And you want to be controlled by your own independent efforts to chase your dreams and live a good life. But that cannot happen right now, so you feel anxious. And we know what happens when we feel anxious...

Life with drugs revolves around chasing euphoria, whereas life without drugs is about figuring out how to feel happy. Genuine happiness will never feel as good as intravenous drugs. This is a fact you just have to accept. But the lows that come in the life without drugs tend to not be as low as those you experience while addicted. It can be seen as something of a compromise that people make when they have had enough of the drug life.

I'd say to keep working out, saving money, find creative outlets on your own...Pass the time until you can get away from all of the control. That kind of thing made me think about drugs more than it made me want to get clean, it kept me around other people who were relapsing, and so on. It can get better, and it likely will if you can white-knuckle through this part.

 

[neversickanymore]

Congrats on your accomplishment here.. don't forget to give yourself the amazing credit you deserve!!


Another thing to take into consideration is that you are working step 4 so your going to be digging up all that shit that you have not dealt with.. but in doing so you deal with a bunch of it.

Do you work a physically intensive job?

 

[Erikmen]

Congratulations!!

 

[Phase0)))]

Congrats on your accomplishment here.. don't forget to give yourself the amazing credit you deserve!!


Another thing to take into consideration is that you are working step 4 so your going to be digging up all that shit that you have not dealt with.. but in doing so you deal with a bunch of it.

Do you work a physically intensive job?

Thank you guys. And yeah I'd say so, I am a dishwasher at a restaurant but it's short staffed so I usually work on the line as a Chef at the same time. And cleaning up the entire back end is up to me, much larger then the actual kitchen where 3 other people clean it. And I only work night shifts too. Very stressful on me siiiiiiigh

Sorry for being a downer man

 

[neversickanymore]

Chin up

The fellowships beat ya down.. they have allot to give.. but throw the guilt and shame out the window of a rocket about to blast off.

The only reason I asked this was to determine if you were getting decent exercise.. I have worked in food service and washed dishes, cooked, and sous cheffed .. washed dishes almost the whole time.. pretty important to a restaurant and a dining experience to have sparkly dishes

I would really recommend throwing in regular aerobic exercise. This will make a huge difference rite off the bat.

PAWS LINKS
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Post Acute Withdrawal (PAW) Excerpted From “Staying Sober” By: Terence T. Gorski
Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome Wiki

Exercise and Brain Neurotransmission
Neurobiology of Exercise
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. The Endorphin Factory
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. I worked all that out
exercise and sleep

Chemicals and supplements to recover from opiate addiction
Diet & Neurogenesis


it is a powerful thing to keep our thoughts possitive and here are some threads many of us use to help us do this.
Managing depressive thinking
Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share Something Positive from Your Day vs. It's All Around You
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 4 Infinite Chances in an Amazing World

Here is the mindfulness thread.


Please consider broadening and expanding your recovery plan. Please look through this and consider adding it to your fellowship work. Fellowships are great for many people, but great is good and amazing is better, so add to it from everything you can find.

Keep at it.. you will be amazed at where you end up. when you get to eleven hit it as hard as you can as this is where you find yourself again.

Your doing great and on your way!!

 

[herbavore]

Congratulations. It sounds like you are doing really well inside despite your discouragement. One thing to remember is that these are early days for you yet. Life is going to be full of times where you feel lost or depressed. Usually those times are showing you how you DO NOT want to live, giving you a road map in a way. Hang tight and know that what you are doing right now is coming into yourself fully, developing strength and getting to know the traps in your own thinking. It's a fertile time if you can hang with it and pay attention to your thoughts. I think everything you are doing is admirable.

Since I've got my Rumi book open, here's an appropriate quote:

You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.”
― Rumi