JB666
Greenlighter
I have been clean for 6 years of heroin, since xmas 2013 for pot, quit cigarettes 1 year ago. I remain on Suboxone. I dont know if its relevant but I am HCV Positve.
I have absolutely zero cravings, desire or thoughts about using any drug. I enjoy the fact I can now follow the law. It is highly unlikely I would ever relapse.
The only scenario I could think of where I could relapse would be if the world ended causing the pharma giants to stop manufacturing suboxone, withdrawal from suboxone became too great for me to handle and I stumbled across a big pile of heroin that someone had lost. then, i could be in danger of relapse.
But the way it is now, no chance of relapse. I live in the middle of no where, I am allowed to dose once weekly at a pharmacy (60km away)(120km round trip) and every other day is a takeway. im on 3mg per day sub-lingual films.
The reason I am here is because I am always soo tired. mentally and physically. I have little sense of humor. I take everything way too serious. I dont mow the lawn. I hardly ever cook or do dishes. I dont shower nearly as much as I should. Of course I have gone through phases of "last ditch effort" to establish a pattern of discipline and hopefully restore dome level of fitness and motivation.
For e.g. about a year ago when I quit smoking I was extremely unfit. Still am, but not as bad as a year ago. I was getting chest pains. If I got up to go to the toilet in the night, I would be exhausted when I got back to bed. If my daily drive car got a flat tire and I had to change it, it would take me like 5 or 6 days to recover. My immune system would plummet, I would get cold sores, and suffer flu like symptoms anytime I had to exert myself.
So I knew I needed to find a way to get a little fitter. Given my extreme lack of motivation to do anything, my theory was that I need to take up a hobby that required a small amount of physical exertion. I chose racing Radio Controlled Cars. For those who dont know, RC Car racing is actually extremely serious, competitive and relatively expensive. Here is a video of the same type cars I race: https://youtu.be/2yvrQUhopAg
When you are not driving at a race meet, you are required to "Marshall" This requires you fetch cars that have rolled over and place them upright. you are expected to do this as fast as you can. I chose this hobby because I always like cars. I always wanted to race cars, but as I have learned more about the reality of motorsports, I have realized it will NEVER happen financially for me. However, RC Car racing truly is motorsport in miniature. I figured this would allow me to have motivation for something.
As well as being expected to Marshall, you are required to pitch in and help with track maintenance and working bees from time to time.
So this has helped me get a little more aerobically fit. But I need more than this now. in order just to live longer, and to hopefully get back to full time employment (of which I have none). but I found quickly the novelty of RC Car racing wore off, and I dont know what this means for my over all motivation, but im sure it cant be good.
Im not depressed in the conventional sense. Im not Depressed like I was before drug use or during drug use. Its really strange. I have ZERO thoughts of suicide. I DO want to live, but I want to enjoy life. I just dont enjoy life the way I used to. A part of my brain has almost certainly changed. But in what way? Stuffed if I know.
you know how as you get older, music begins to loose its magic? How it doesn't fill you with goosebumps and emotions the way it did when you were a teenager? Well its like that, only its life. I find almost all things in life dont do anything for me emotionally. and Those few things that do take my interest dont do it in a way that it needs to to get me out of bed, to get me off the sofa. Im worried that if I was suddenly transported to a desert with no food and water, that I would just give up. that I wouldn't even try to survive. Other than perhaps looking around my house or immediately outside my house for a bit of food and water. Other than that I think I may just go to bed until I died. How did I get like this? Why cant I lift myself out? im used to being able to fix stuff, but I cant seem to fix me, and this causes me great frustration and anxiety.
I have no sense of humor. I take everything way too serious, I dont feel like doing anything but sit at home watching TV. I am totally un satisfied with that. but its been that way for so long. Everyday is full of procrastination, that tomorrow or next week I will do this or do that, but it NEVER EVER gets done.
Even RC Cars, which is something I would have loved 10 or so years ago should be something I very much look forward, but the novelty wore off very quickly, and already I am forcing myself to go, just in case I find a magic bullet for my state of mind.
Is anyone else first of all experienced this, then found a way to get motivated, in a way that could work for others? I dont mean you "just pushed through" (Been then tried that) thats shallow. it only got me so far. in fact its how I got this far, I need something else to go further, as I am running out of time, Im looking for something deep, like I dunno, you tell me. Im all outta ideas, this is why I am here. this is on my list of last resorts (online drug addiction forum)
If I cant figure this out, im not likely to live a lot longer. im 40 Years old, my health is poor. Its better than it was 1 year ago, but if I only improve that much once per year, by the time im 50 I may have only improved enough to survive to 55 (and thats if im lucky)
I dont just wanna live. I wanna enjoy my life. You only get one, and I have completely Fu#$%& this one thus far. Apart from a bit of travel within my own country (mostly through homelessness due to drugs) and meeting a massively broad range of people in my travels as a drug addict. I cant really claim to have lived life very much.
When I die. I want to be satisfied in my own mind ive done anything and everything that interests me. I will take solace knowing that I did something with this one solitary life before I turn back into the earth from when I came. I can handle there not being a heaven (or hell) I can handle that in death, there is "no more" there is "nothingness". What I can NOT handle is going into that state of death after doing not a whole lot more than a dead person does anyway (a dead person does nothing).
Anyway. I'll see what info comes my way here in this thread and hope for the best
I suppose on the bright side... I have hope!
I have absolutely zero cravings, desire or thoughts about using any drug. I enjoy the fact I can now follow the law. It is highly unlikely I would ever relapse.
The only scenario I could think of where I could relapse would be if the world ended causing the pharma giants to stop manufacturing suboxone, withdrawal from suboxone became too great for me to handle and I stumbled across a big pile of heroin that someone had lost. then, i could be in danger of relapse.
But the way it is now, no chance of relapse. I live in the middle of no where, I am allowed to dose once weekly at a pharmacy (60km away)(120km round trip) and every other day is a takeway. im on 3mg per day sub-lingual films.
The reason I am here is because I am always soo tired. mentally and physically. I have little sense of humor. I take everything way too serious. I dont mow the lawn. I hardly ever cook or do dishes. I dont shower nearly as much as I should. Of course I have gone through phases of "last ditch effort" to establish a pattern of discipline and hopefully restore dome level of fitness and motivation.
For e.g. about a year ago when I quit smoking I was extremely unfit. Still am, but not as bad as a year ago. I was getting chest pains. If I got up to go to the toilet in the night, I would be exhausted when I got back to bed. If my daily drive car got a flat tire and I had to change it, it would take me like 5 or 6 days to recover. My immune system would plummet, I would get cold sores, and suffer flu like symptoms anytime I had to exert myself.
So I knew I needed to find a way to get a little fitter. Given my extreme lack of motivation to do anything, my theory was that I need to take up a hobby that required a small amount of physical exertion. I chose racing Radio Controlled Cars. For those who dont know, RC Car racing is actually extremely serious, competitive and relatively expensive. Here is a video of the same type cars I race: https://youtu.be/2yvrQUhopAg
When you are not driving at a race meet, you are required to "Marshall" This requires you fetch cars that have rolled over and place them upright. you are expected to do this as fast as you can. I chose this hobby because I always like cars. I always wanted to race cars, but as I have learned more about the reality of motorsports, I have realized it will NEVER happen financially for me. However, RC Car racing truly is motorsport in miniature. I figured this would allow me to have motivation for something.
As well as being expected to Marshall, you are required to pitch in and help with track maintenance and working bees from time to time.
So this has helped me get a little more aerobically fit. But I need more than this now. in order just to live longer, and to hopefully get back to full time employment (of which I have none). but I found quickly the novelty of RC Car racing wore off, and I dont know what this means for my over all motivation, but im sure it cant be good.
Im not depressed in the conventional sense. Im not Depressed like I was before drug use or during drug use. Its really strange. I have ZERO thoughts of suicide. I DO want to live, but I want to enjoy life. I just dont enjoy life the way I used to. A part of my brain has almost certainly changed. But in what way? Stuffed if I know.
you know how as you get older, music begins to loose its magic? How it doesn't fill you with goosebumps and emotions the way it did when you were a teenager? Well its like that, only its life. I find almost all things in life dont do anything for me emotionally. and Those few things that do take my interest dont do it in a way that it needs to to get me out of bed, to get me off the sofa. Im worried that if I was suddenly transported to a desert with no food and water, that I would just give up. that I wouldn't even try to survive. Other than perhaps looking around my house or immediately outside my house for a bit of food and water. Other than that I think I may just go to bed until I died. How did I get like this? Why cant I lift myself out? im used to being able to fix stuff, but I cant seem to fix me, and this causes me great frustration and anxiety.
I have no sense of humor. I take everything way too serious, I dont feel like doing anything but sit at home watching TV. I am totally un satisfied with that. but its been that way for so long. Everyday is full of procrastination, that tomorrow or next week I will do this or do that, but it NEVER EVER gets done.
Even RC Cars, which is something I would have loved 10 or so years ago should be something I very much look forward, but the novelty wore off very quickly, and already I am forcing myself to go, just in case I find a magic bullet for my state of mind.
Is anyone else first of all experienced this, then found a way to get motivated, in a way that could work for others? I dont mean you "just pushed through" (Been then tried that) thats shallow. it only got me so far. in fact its how I got this far, I need something else to go further, as I am running out of time, Im looking for something deep, like I dunno, you tell me. Im all outta ideas, this is why I am here. this is on my list of last resorts (online drug addiction forum)
If I cant figure this out, im not likely to live a lot longer. im 40 Years old, my health is poor. Its better than it was 1 year ago, but if I only improve that much once per year, by the time im 50 I may have only improved enough to survive to 55 (and thats if im lucky)
I dont just wanna live. I wanna enjoy my life. You only get one, and I have completely Fu#$%& this one thus far. Apart from a bit of travel within my own country (mostly through homelessness due to drugs) and meeting a massively broad range of people in my travels as a drug addict. I cant really claim to have lived life very much.
When I die. I want to be satisfied in my own mind ive done anything and everything that interests me. I will take solace knowing that I did something with this one solitary life before I turn back into the earth from when I came. I can handle there not being a heaven (or hell) I can handle that in death, there is "no more" there is "nothingness". What I can NOT handle is going into that state of death after doing not a whole lot more than a dead person does anyway (a dead person does nothing).
Anyway. I'll see what info comes my way here in this thread and hope for the best
I suppose on the bright side... I have hope!
