6 year "chipper" at the end of the line?

[3v3rlast]

Hi all,

Chipper here for about 6 years now. At my worst I was doing probably 400mg OC daily. This was a few years ago, since then obviously the change to OPs made this undesirable and I switched to MsContin.. Obviously did not give me what I desired but I've been chipping with that for close to a year and a half or more (plugging). At the start I was at about 200mg daily and the past few weeks I've been down to 30-60mg per day and last week I managed to step down to 7.5mg doses 2-3x daily. I know at that point it has to be just as much mind over matter as it is my brain trying to get used to how it used to be.

Let's just say I find myself in a rough position and I can't get anything, but I think now is my best chance to do it but I can't step off.

Right now I'm on day 2 of my last 25mcg fent patch which I'm reluctant to ever use due to issues in the past (OD).. But tonight I'll be feeling it full on and I don't know what to do. As it is last night I did not sleep but about an hour and a half.

My wife doesn't "know" but I think she does - turns blind eye - but after chipping this long with small breaks but nothing like this... I know I am in for some hurt. I love her dearly and don't know if I should just tell her the truth and what to expect the next weeks/months... I don't want to lose her but what can she do?

I've stocked up on lope, have some old kratom around somewhere.. But I just don't know how I can do this.. Want to go to a clinic or go on subs but with my anxiety and everything else, don't want it on my med record

Thanks as always bluelight

-Everlast

 

[shimazu]

just know that withdrawals are temporary, but a clear conscience will be forever.

 

[3v3rlast]

Thank you, shimazu. Great point - my conscience will finally be clear.. granted the guilt from the years of use while initially married will always be there - but its obviously time for me to man up and face this.

I got into this because of anxiety and xanax didn't do it for me, opiates did.. I still think to this day that SSRI's do not help me and its something to do with dopamine or something, had read a theory of that somewhere a few years ago

 

[shimazu]

Its all in the mind, if you go into it with a "I cant do this" attitude youre probably going to slip up.

 

[motherofearth]

If you can't acquire subs through a pharmacy, many people in this situation find them on the street. Of course, that has it's own risks. If you can get even 15-20 mgs, it ought to reasonably take you through a week long taper - considering you've already significantly decreased your dose.

I agree that facing your wife is an important part of facing your habit and what you've done.

Good luck.