Although a clean day, I feel like it has been a wasted day. I know what people in recovery say, there is no such thing as a wasted day. Just a day where I have got to know myself a little better.
And maybe that is true. Maybe coming on to BL and talking and writing, I am becoming to know myself. Not to worry about what other people think of me. What other people might come up and say. Whether I should respond to them etc. This and I never looked at is this, This is recovery. Recovering from some seriouss traumatic issues that have plagued me all my life. Have been covered up all my life. I am financially in bad shape but I woudnt say rock bottom. See I am not homeless. I have been emotionallyl worse off, this time last year was a good example. So although i have put together a poor day accomplishment wise, and what I wanted to get done, I think I have a plan t do better this evening. See I am still in fear of taking care of myself, in front of others. I am afraid to be selfish in front of others. I am unwilling to take care of myself in case I hurt others. I care too much about what they might think of me for me to think of myself, and then I feel hard done by and then I am the victim and then I am angry and then I am off and running. This has go to change to see how I feel so I am going to go upstairs at an earlier time tonight and spend some time reading and writing and just giving myself some time.
And maybe that is true. Maybe coming on to BL and talking and writing, I am becoming to know myself. Not to worry about what other people think of me. What other people might come up and say. Whether I should respond to them etc. This and I never looked at is this, This is recovery. Recovering from some seriouss traumatic issues that have plagued me all my life. Have been covered up all my life. I am financially in bad shape but I woudnt say rock bottom. See I am not homeless. I have been emotionallyl worse off, this time last year was a good example. So although i have put together a poor day accomplishment wise, and what I wanted to get done, I think I have a plan t do better this evening. See I am still in fear of taking care of myself, in front of others. I am afraid to be selfish in front of others. I am unwilling to take care of myself in case I hurt others. I care too much about what they might think of me for me to think of myself, and then I feel hard done by and then I am the victim and then I am angry and then I am off and running. This has go to change to see how I feel so I am going to go upstairs at an earlier time tonight and spend some time reading and writing and just giving myself some time.