turned 46 tuesday i think it was? am getting older and older but i dont mind as long as i think i look fucking HOT!!!!! I do now---although was the most insecure person until age 40 regarding that. Now, even though I'm well past middle age technically, and I sure as fuck don't have the same youthful body I did at 18, 20, 26, hell even 32, or 38, ironically enough at a much older age, and heading furiously faster than I can believe towards half a century haha, have never felt more sexy and secure with my body or age in my entire life. Obviously, that's what people meant when I recall hearing middle aged or senior cit women---even if I thought fat or ugly---is a blessing of becoming older. Our attitudes change & tend to not sweat the small stuff quite as much as teens, and women in their 20's do.
I wish I had the same physical, or slightly less gravitational deal goin on in my abd---exercise or not----i tell u this---even more than age, it was the humiliating experience of having been a size 22 at 240 lbs----really fat---that put my shit in perspective. Docs office said 149 lbs, I guess I'm a size 8, but wear 10. I'm not the hottest babe on earth, but I feel sexy---and I felt disgusted and sad over being fat after kicking a dope habit of 25 years---cleaned up 2 years completely----loved the spiritual, well most of the emotional work that doing the writing of Step 4 in NA a fearless moral inventory---which was very eye opening---
it hurt terribly that I had traded one addiction---food---for another & suffered heavy consequences, and 4get the looks, the borderline diabetes, the low back, HORRIBLE foot pain with the flat feet I have, then later the havoc the tramadol wreaked causing me chronic fatigue 24/7. I do know I am still a sick woman. Anyone that puts a needle in her arm 4 nights a week suggests issues---even if half of it is in fact medicinal that keeps ADD in check, chronic fatigue that the Tramadol started and left me stuck with----as well as being back on my Rx painkillers----although both meth IV and pills----are limited to 120 pills month----meth a gram to maybe gram and a half a week if that----for the money and having to report to work.
I hadn't until what 2 weeks ago at most finally started getting the return of a wicked sex drive---that incidentally started up again after having been deprived from my painkillers mixed with speed----and then reunited with them again. Good fucking GOD why so horny after all these years loaded or sober? My friendships I've had life long success with when desired, but the sex, romance either or----the man woman thing has always been tragic train wrecks. My longest "relationship" was my first love of 4 years with a manic depressive asshole half the time whom I met at age 14 on phone, 15 in person and lasted until I was barely 19....he had finally gone off the deep end and committed violent murder on one 80 something lady---& a brutal rape, torture, multiple stabbings in his grandmothers vagina----if the homicide detectives were to be believed.
She refused to press charges & because of a technicality on the murder case of the other woman---as well as his rich mother's money who always married rich men (five) walked after serving only what 9 months? 18 months? I can't remember, but I had been both relieved and horrified. Horrified because he needed to be locked away----& that I had loved a monster though I never knew he'd be THAT evil, but relieved as fuck I was not going to have to be grilled on the stand in court as a witness for the prosecution because I knew the defense would of brought up the weird/violent sex he sometimes demanded, the embarrasing details, yet I stayed with that man. My character would have been made to be on display and looked upon as a girl that deserved what she got----my only saving grace the fact that I had been 15 first time had sex with anyone---him---and even in the 80's a man 13 years older having sex with/abusing a minor was not only a severe offense punishable for up to 20 years I was told, but I was still, after all a "child."
I knew the abuse was wrong, but how confused and how insecure I had been about myself! If I didn't have a man, something was wrong with me. And, I did love him. He hadn't always been so cruel. He could be the most tender, sweet lover/friend that would hold me, wipe away my tears & he had been vulnerable with me at times. He wasn't on drugs except with other people had them since he refused to work, but was quite adept at making others, me included feel like a cheap ass selfish bitch for not sharing ALL which was most of my dope with him at an income of $3.35/hr or $3.50/hr. He was always either extremely depressed, elated as fuck, or watch out---the violent monster abusive side.
I had had so many confusing intense feelings during those years, always the inferiority complex obviously, in spite of having been pretty like my own mother had been---but really thought I was ugly & held contempt for my body being 150 lbs at 5'7" instead of the 135 lbs that forever eluded me. I wanted to be rail thin, like the media said beautiful women should be, but food was everywhere and that was my preview of things to come years later as an addict----only to drugs, each one more intense, strong than the last. Cocaine, snorting had been the first drug I'd gotten into trouble with, not legally, but the need, the finances, finally the kick until it no longer worked for me making me kick it for good, which was easy after the 3 days of feeling crap.
Next came crank although, still only heavy partier at most, then came the pain pills a very dark period from the time I knew this time REALLY hooked at 26---& in big trouble. I had quit work at 28 and pretty much had one big black out, well 6 months at least. I expected to be dead at age 33 for 2 many pills, but one night after feeling so worthless went into an empty church and begged God out of a desperation I never knew I could summon---and yelled, cried, screamed God if it be your will let me die, go to prison, live in misery, or free me of this trap its 2 big for me. I can't fight it anymore.
2 weeks later I got arrested for forging my own scripts something I'd been doin 2 yrs maybe 3 and slept as much as possible. Oblivion was the need I had which the pills made possible. Looking back I can't believe I managed to escape hurting or killing others cause I thought at times I was perfectly fine to drive. I really had NO idea I was in no way. The meth had been taken away, causing the downward spiral into depression and suicide wish. My obsession wasn't removed with the pills, but it WAS however cut back by 2/3rds & then 4 yrs later I got hooked up with first diet pills that I took as Rxd in order to get the think body I felt denied----finally crystal meth.
The meth was the most fun, but also the most dangerous because again, as an exotic dancer/escort sought approval over and over for my looks from others---it was just never enough. I had a rocky up/down big time roller coaster ride with the meth. Although fun, I kept getting into trouble because of blowing off jobs tweaking. Wow trip down memory lane. Getting clean & sober 2 years came about after age 40 and I had simply been tired of having to spin my wheels chasing the drug, always being broke, always having a fucking need for drugs, but the worst was the law. I had been forced into Prop 36 eventually & resented it like hell.
The obsession did get removed after I asked God---once again cops intervened---forcing me to dry out 17 days in jail but after 11 days it was simply gone. That just doesn't happen, so I took that as a miracle. The NA program brough me relief from active addiction, the steps showed me things I did without even being aware I was in the wrong even though I THOUGHT most of the time I was right. This was concerning my relationships with other people---and again once I started to see why----the cruel daily put downs at school daily grades 1-6 & told I was a retard for my learning disability, dyslexia, everyone thought I was stupid.
Then when I started the work force at 17, I was always being told and often fired for being "too slow" this b4 becoming heavily addicted.....hell up until 24 I was mostly sober at work. I couldn't understand why no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't process and learn as fast as others. Then there was the 15 lb overweight issue, not being thin enough, pretty enough, able to attract guys----but rarely the ones I wanted. I wasn't pretty or thin enough, or successful enough in my early, hell my entire 20's. I was afraid so the men I wanted somehow I was convinced knew I was a zero and not pretty/thin enough besides.
...More
I wish I had the same physical, or slightly less gravitational deal goin on in my abd---exercise or not----i tell u this---even more than age, it was the humiliating experience of having been a size 22 at 240 lbs----really fat---that put my shit in perspective. Docs office said 149 lbs, I guess I'm a size 8, but wear 10. I'm not the hottest babe on earth, but I feel sexy---and I felt disgusted and sad over being fat after kicking a dope habit of 25 years---cleaned up 2 years completely----loved the spiritual, well most of the emotional work that doing the writing of Step 4 in NA a fearless moral inventory---which was very eye opening---
it hurt terribly that I had traded one addiction---food---for another & suffered heavy consequences, and 4get the looks, the borderline diabetes, the low back, HORRIBLE foot pain with the flat feet I have, then later the havoc the tramadol wreaked causing me chronic fatigue 24/7. I do know I am still a sick woman. Anyone that puts a needle in her arm 4 nights a week suggests issues---even if half of it is in fact medicinal that keeps ADD in check, chronic fatigue that the Tramadol started and left me stuck with----as well as being back on my Rx painkillers----although both meth IV and pills----are limited to 120 pills month----meth a gram to maybe gram and a half a week if that----for the money and having to report to work.
I hadn't until what 2 weeks ago at most finally started getting the return of a wicked sex drive---that incidentally started up again after having been deprived from my painkillers mixed with speed----and then reunited with them again. Good fucking GOD why so horny after all these years loaded or sober? My friendships I've had life long success with when desired, but the sex, romance either or----the man woman thing has always been tragic train wrecks. My longest "relationship" was my first love of 4 years with a manic depressive asshole half the time whom I met at age 14 on phone, 15 in person and lasted until I was barely 19....he had finally gone off the deep end and committed violent murder on one 80 something lady---& a brutal rape, torture, multiple stabbings in his grandmothers vagina----if the homicide detectives were to be believed.
She refused to press charges & because of a technicality on the murder case of the other woman---as well as his rich mother's money who always married rich men (five) walked after serving only what 9 months? 18 months? I can't remember, but I had been both relieved and horrified. Horrified because he needed to be locked away----& that I had loved a monster though I never knew he'd be THAT evil, but relieved as fuck I was not going to have to be grilled on the stand in court as a witness for the prosecution because I knew the defense would of brought up the weird/violent sex he sometimes demanded, the embarrasing details, yet I stayed with that man. My character would have been made to be on display and looked upon as a girl that deserved what she got----my only saving grace the fact that I had been 15 first time had sex with anyone---him---and even in the 80's a man 13 years older having sex with/abusing a minor was not only a severe offense punishable for up to 20 years I was told, but I was still, after all a "child."
I knew the abuse was wrong, but how confused and how insecure I had been about myself! If I didn't have a man, something was wrong with me. And, I did love him. He hadn't always been so cruel. He could be the most tender, sweet lover/friend that would hold me, wipe away my tears & he had been vulnerable with me at times. He wasn't on drugs except with other people had them since he refused to work, but was quite adept at making others, me included feel like a cheap ass selfish bitch for not sharing ALL which was most of my dope with him at an income of $3.35/hr or $3.50/hr. He was always either extremely depressed, elated as fuck, or watch out---the violent monster abusive side.
I had had so many confusing intense feelings during those years, always the inferiority complex obviously, in spite of having been pretty like my own mother had been---but really thought I was ugly & held contempt for my body being 150 lbs at 5'7" instead of the 135 lbs that forever eluded me. I wanted to be rail thin, like the media said beautiful women should be, but food was everywhere and that was my preview of things to come years later as an addict----only to drugs, each one more intense, strong than the last. Cocaine, snorting had been the first drug I'd gotten into trouble with, not legally, but the need, the finances, finally the kick until it no longer worked for me making me kick it for good, which was easy after the 3 days of feeling crap.
Next came crank although, still only heavy partier at most, then came the pain pills a very dark period from the time I knew this time REALLY hooked at 26---& in big trouble. I had quit work at 28 and pretty much had one big black out, well 6 months at least. I expected to be dead at age 33 for 2 many pills, but one night after feeling so worthless went into an empty church and begged God out of a desperation I never knew I could summon---and yelled, cried, screamed God if it be your will let me die, go to prison, live in misery, or free me of this trap its 2 big for me. I can't fight it anymore.
2 weeks later I got arrested for forging my own scripts something I'd been doin 2 yrs maybe 3 and slept as much as possible. Oblivion was the need I had which the pills made possible. Looking back I can't believe I managed to escape hurting or killing others cause I thought at times I was perfectly fine to drive. I really had NO idea I was in no way. The meth had been taken away, causing the downward spiral into depression and suicide wish. My obsession wasn't removed with the pills, but it WAS however cut back by 2/3rds & then 4 yrs later I got hooked up with first diet pills that I took as Rxd in order to get the think body I felt denied----finally crystal meth.
The meth was the most fun, but also the most dangerous because again, as an exotic dancer/escort sought approval over and over for my looks from others---it was just never enough. I had a rocky up/down big time roller coaster ride with the meth. Although fun, I kept getting into trouble because of blowing off jobs tweaking. Wow trip down memory lane. Getting clean & sober 2 years came about after age 40 and I had simply been tired of having to spin my wheels chasing the drug, always being broke, always having a fucking need for drugs, but the worst was the law. I had been forced into Prop 36 eventually & resented it like hell.
The obsession did get removed after I asked God---once again cops intervened---forcing me to dry out 17 days in jail but after 11 days it was simply gone. That just doesn't happen, so I took that as a miracle. The NA program brough me relief from active addiction, the steps showed me things I did without even being aware I was in the wrong even though I THOUGHT most of the time I was right. This was concerning my relationships with other people---and again once I started to see why----the cruel daily put downs at school daily grades 1-6 & told I was a retard for my learning disability, dyslexia, everyone thought I was stupid.
Then when I started the work force at 17, I was always being told and often fired for being "too slow" this b4 becoming heavily addicted.....hell up until 24 I was mostly sober at work. I couldn't understand why no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't process and learn as fast as others. Then there was the 15 lb overweight issue, not being thin enough, pretty enough, able to attract guys----but rarely the ones I wanted. I wasn't pretty or thin enough, or successful enough in my early, hell my entire 20's. I was afraid so the men I wanted somehow I was convinced knew I was a zero and not pretty/thin enough besides.
...More
