Holy shit, it's been 42 days since I made the decision to go on methadone as a maintenance drug to address my addiction to opiates. In the beginning it was great! I was still getting high from my 'done and I was accomplishing a lot! I had to keep going up a bit every few days to a week, which is how I found myself at 75mgs. Well, I was happy at around 45/55ish but then I had to go and get high (or was it take pills? I'm not too sure) and started feeling guilty in a way I haven't before. I knew that by doing that I just messed up my tolerance. For some people it may take a few times of using on top of methadone, but for me, all it takes is ONE use that creates a high stronger than what I'm use to on a daily basis and then I'm stuck with being at a higher dose. The lower one just doesn't do it for me anymore. I hate it, but it is what it is. I was trying real hard to NOT fuck around on the methadone, to stick with the notion that we were getting clean.
For realz....
...yea, I said we. We, as in, my boyfriend and I, as in, the person I've spent the last 10.5 years with and will in all likelihood spend the rest of my life with. We both joined the program and I thought he was going to actually work the program. It turns out that he is using methadone because it's cheaper than maintaining a habit on anything else, his social anxiety and grave depression is lifted while an opiate is attached to his receptors, and it's better than the alternative of smoking dope all the time. So I was wrong about his intentions and motivations for getting on the program. As always, my feelings of actually wanting to give this sober thing a shot, feel silly, naïve, and just, well, almost embarrassed for some reason? I'm not sure.
Like I'm super lame for wanting to get sober. Like I should be okay with the drug life. Like it's weird that I'm even considering that drugs are actually bad for you....giving into the propaganda. Shit, my counselor at the clinic is a huge abstinence only kinda gal and it bugs me that she tries and makes me feel guilty or bad for still smoking cannabis!
It doesn't work! LOL!!! I'm not worried about my cannabis After giving up everything else, including getting drunk, I feel like a bowl after the kids are in bed, while I'm curled up in my bed with a book or a movie and something sweet, is a lot better than I was doing AND there is absolutely nothing wrong with it! I know cannabis is a relatively benign plant and there are many states that have it legal for recreational use.
It's honestly the only substance I don't have a real issue with. If there were cocaine (mdma, dmt, ketamine, _______) in my home, I'd want to do it as soon as my kids are asleep! I wouldn't want to wait. It's kinda easy to save the psyche's since I don't abuse them-I try and treat them with the utmost respect.
For realz....
...yea, I said we. We, as in, my boyfriend and I, as in, the person I've spent the last 10.5 years with and will in all likelihood spend the rest of my life with. We both joined the program and I thought he was going to actually work the program. It turns out that he is using methadone because it's cheaper than maintaining a habit on anything else, his social anxiety and grave depression is lifted while an opiate is attached to his receptors, and it's better than the alternative of smoking dope all the time. So I was wrong about his intentions and motivations for getting on the program. As always, my feelings of actually wanting to give this sober thing a shot, feel silly, naïve, and just, well, almost embarrassed for some reason? I'm not sure.
Like I'm super lame for wanting to get sober. Like I should be okay with the drug life. Like it's weird that I'm even considering that drugs are actually bad for you....giving into the propaganda. Shit, my counselor at the clinic is a huge abstinence only kinda gal and it bugs me that she tries and makes me feel guilty or bad for still smoking cannabis!
It doesn't work! LOL!!! I'm not worried about my cannabis After giving up everything else, including getting drunk, I feel like a bowl after the kids are in bed, while I'm curled up in my bed with a book or a movie and something sweet, is a lot better than I was doing AND there is absolutely nothing wrong with it! I know cannabis is a relatively benign plant and there are many states that have it legal for recreational use.
It's honestly the only substance I don't have a real issue with. If there were cocaine (mdma, dmt, ketamine, _______) in my home, I'd want to do it as soon as my kids are asleep! I wouldn't want to wait. It's kinda easy to save the psyche's since I don't abuse them-I try and treat them with the utmost respect.
