40 hours with NO HEROIN :DDD

I have been tired of the 'junkie lifestyle' for so long now, and getting arrested and thrown in jail for nearly a week before finally getting released two months ago was the big wakeup call for me. Since then I've been mentally psyching myself up to quit, gathering up the things I need to taper, and just in general getting more and more pissed off at the people I had to deal with on a daily basis and the things heroin did to fuck up my life... or rather, the things I did ON heroin (or should I say when I didn't have it and was trying to get it) to fuck up MY OWN life. Two days ago now - Saturday night at around 11:30 pm - I did my last dose. Now it's Monday at 7 pm.

The detox has been a lot easier than I expected so far, but I know a lot of that is in part due to the fact that I've been using weaker opiates to taper. The first day (yesterday) I took three 60 mg MS Contin.... it wasn't enough to take me completely out of withdrawal, but it made it way more bearable. Today I've been using 20mg Norco every 4 hours or so. I feel worse than yesterday, but it's still bearable. Tomorrow I'll finish the Norco, deal with feeling crappy the rest of the day, and then dose 1 mg of Suboxone on Wednesday morning. I'll take another 1 mg at night if I need it, then split two .5 mg doses on Thursday, then start taking 1 mg every other day for a few days, then .5 per day for a few days every other day... and then I will be done with the whole process by the end of next week. After that I'm hoping to just have to deal with some residual uncomfortable physical symptoms.

The mental part hasn't been hard because I am really, REALLY DONE with heroin this time. It's fucked up my life, I can't stand dealing with the shady and scandalous people all the time... they're not my "friends" unless I have something they can either rob me of or talk me out of giving them, so fuck them... and I'm just over it. I've hardly had any real cravings, nothing that's sent me into a frenzy trying to pick up anyway. That's good, because that's always the first thing that happens when I try to kick. I've never made it this far before. A few times a craving would hit, and I'd think that it would be as easy as going and asking my parents to borrow $20... but then I stop and think, okay, I'll have a dub to last me through tonight and tomorrow.... and then what? I'll be back where I started with my pill supply depleted and stuck going through a worse detox with no real way to taper. So I decide it's not worth it, refrain, go watch random videos on YouTube, and the craving passes within 20 minutes or so.

Besides the thought of hitting anyone up and dealing with any junkies right now is just not appealing to me. So fuck that.

Anyway. I'm just trying to hang in there and stay motivated. Whatever mental issues I do have, I know will be minor enough to be fixed by going to a meeting or whatever. I've noticed that the attitude you have really does make a huge difference. You really do have to be ready to quit. I know I'm ready this time. I just need to make it through the initial few weeks of feeling like absolute crap without running out and getting my quick fix.

I'm excited for this to end though and really hope I make it. I get excited when I think about starting school again next semester, and finding a job, and making new friends who are clean (or at least just not junkies lol). I want to be able to do all that stuff. I don't want my life to be reduced to chasing a bag of tar all day every day. I'm over it.

I guess that's all. I just wanted to write about what I'm going through right now, I figured it would help cuz right now I'm having kind of a tough time... and I can come back and reread it whenever i need a little motivation...

Later

- xbc

 

Heroin isn't the problem, its illegal and illicit status is but above and beyond that, why didn't you get on bupe or methadone for a medically supervised tapering? I do wish you luck with your decision.

 

I think you are doing the right thing. Methadone clinics don't actually encourage tapering... in fact they discourage it. Bupe wasn't a very easy taper... for me at least. From what I have heard, its great for a quick, couple week, low-dose taper to take the edge off... but I don't know of any doctors who use this method. Myself and everyone I know has been put on around 8mg - which is ridiculous. I laughed at this and took 2mg a day - still felt like shit... and had to deal with the wd from that later.

I feel that you have your head in the game and are making the right moves, great work!! Keep your eyes on the freedom that you will enjoy, not having to worry about the cost of that -meter of well-being-. Free parking in the "well-zone" all hours. You'll get there sooner than you think.

It could be worse... it could be long-term use benzo wd. That is another topic entirely

Great read, strong drive, fantastic outlook!

 

rachamim - oh I know that, most definitely. That's why I corrected myself when I caught myself blaming heroin itself for my problems... and instead changed it to "the things I did when I didn't have heroin and was trying to get it." I've always known that the problem wasn't with heroin itself, but the stigma society places on it. Being arrested for possession opened my eyes to this fact even further. What does that say when we put the drug addict - a person with a mental/medical issue (I refuse to call it a disease, just my opinion) - in with violent offenders like rapists, murders, and child molesters and so on? The average junkie does not belong in jail where they will be treated like a criminal as opposed to a person who could easily turn their life around with the right kind of help. If heroin were legalized, or at the very least if it could be administered in a controlled medical setting, I am almost 100% confident that we would see heroin-related crime go way, WAY down. After all, most crimes are not committed while one is ON heroin... rather they are committed when the person doesn't have any, is sick, and is desperate to get well. So yep, I definitely agree with you on that one. I've done the medically supervised bupe taper before... not a fan of it. I chose to do my own taper because a.) I have enough knowledge of Suboxone to do it the right way, and b.) I can gauge how long I need to be taking it better than a doctor is able to gauge how I'm feeling in withdrawal. I took bupe for a few days while tapering, then jumped off when I knew I didn't need it anymore. Simple

Nateup -- Thank you! Yeah, I've heard almost nothing but bad things about methadone. I think I have a healthy enough fear/respect of it to stay away lol the withdrawals sound brutal... no thanks. That's exactly what I did with my Suboxone - a really quick taper - and it was SO easy. I only took it for about as long as the acute withdrawal period from heroin lasts, and tapered my dose by 1 mg each day. The day I woke up (day 3) and felt okay without it, I just left it alone. I felt fine that day and all day the next day. It hit me pretty hard on days 3 and 4 without it, but it was still nothing compared to full blown H withdrawal and it was bearable. I got through it. I'm on day 7 with no heroin, and day 4 without Suboxone. I still feel pretty shitty, but I do believe I am out of the woods so to speak as far as the physical stuff goes. It's a really good feeling. The one thing I learned this time around, is that your attitude really does make a whole WORLD of difference. It's even possible to turn the physical symptoms "off" by dissociating from them. Obviously you can't avoid feeling like shit the WHOLE time, but there are definitely ways to make it worlds easier if you adopt the right mentality!! I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out lol!

And you are sooo right. It could be long-term benzo wd. Ughh. Never been through it myself, but I've heard stories. If you're implying that you've been through it and made it to the other side... then wow. I must say I give you mad props and respect. I'm sorry you had to go through that though.

 

Sorry, that was really confusing. I was talking about two different detoxes in the post above and managed to scramble them together. I guess my brain still isn't fully working. To make a long story short, this is the second detox I've done using a short bupe taper, stopping as soon as I woke up feeling like I didn't need it. They were both the easiest full detoxes I have gone through by far, if you can make it through the few days when your body is adjusting to not having the Suboxone either. Bupe is a tricky little fucker though... lol... makes you think everything is all good, and then BAM! Two to three days later it's like you've been hit by a train.

Although I still stand by what I said. The withdrawal from a short term bupe taper is nothing... NOTHING... compared to full blown H withdrawal!

 

Wasn't confusing to me, but maybe I missed something haha. Sounds like you are well on your way - amazing!

You did it right with the subs. I dragged it out for a year. Although I knew deep down (actually not that deep) that I should have tapered quick, it was too easy to follow the doc's orders and stay on. I would always tell myself "too stressed from work, back hurts", etc. "I'll definitely go down tomorrow". I was also still enjoying a nod here and there, which clearly didn't help. I finally just took off work and stopped a few months ago with the help of some non-narcotic meds.

Before sub, it was 2 years of methadon't... so over that 4 years of uninterrupted opiate dependency (besides one failed attempt to kick 120mg methadone cold turk)... only about a year of it was even remotely enjoyable. I basically spent 3 years on maintenance drugs kicking a 1 year dope habit. Try to figure that one out - I sure as hell can't lol.

On the benzo's - yeah, just ended a couple years of that (clonaz, then diaz) too haha. Tried to taper for a few months after kicking the dopes. Failed stupidly at that and eventually just cold turkey-ed 40mg with some clonidine and gabapentin for seizures - didn't seem to do much but prevent a tonic-clonic lol. During that time, I had to decide life was worth living. It was pretty crazy to say the least... but I'm here and breathing... although still not even close to base seven weeks later (!) - maybe I'll blog about it

Nuff about me. Again, great work and determination. Love reading of people's success stories!

Stay hungry... freedom and wellness is the finest gourmet, right?