Its been about a month since this trip, so I'll recount the details as best as I can recall. It affected me deeply.
I went over to my boyfriend's apartment. I say boyfriend, but he was sleeping with other women and didn't want a commitment with me. I enjoyed being with him and was holding out hope that we would get more serious. His roommate was out for the night, a rare occasion, so we had the place to ourselves to do as we pleased. At this stage in our relationship, we pretty much always got high in some form or another whenever we hung out. We had been experimenting with various RC's for a few months- he was pretty fearless, I was game, but much more apprehensive than him (I've had plenty of unpleasant drug experiences in my life, and I don't care to repeat the same mistakes if I can help it)
Anyway, we started off with some 5-MAPB, insufflated. I honestly don't remember how much I did, as using it had become so regular at the time, I just kind of did it without much thought. If I had to guess, I would say about 50 mg or so. We were just chilling on the couch, and suddenly, I had an urge to smoke weed, which is extremely odd for me- weed consistently makes me anxious as hell, and I avoid it like the plague these days…but in that moment, it seemed like a great idea. I told him that I wanted to take a hit, and how strange it was that I was craving weed without any fear. I took a couple hits, and I felt good- no anxiety. I remarked to him about how surprised I was at my lack of anxiety, and he said "Maybe you're just really comfortable with me." We sat there for a little while doing nothing.
Seeing as how peaceful I was feeling, I decided it was the right time to take a proper dose of 4-HO-MIPT. I'd been too afraid to try an active dose before this- I'd never done more that 9 or 10 mg at a time, which gave me a little extra energy and maybe some mild visuals. I asked him if he would weigh out 15 mg for me. He weighed out 30 mg, dissolved it in vodka, and we each drank half.
I'm not sure how much time passed (30 min?), but the drug began to take effect, and I was getting the most beautiful visuals I have ever seen…rainbows, everywhere, persian carpet patterns, everything looked like liquid. Objects were morphing into 3D shapes, rotating, melting into themselves. I was amazed, and telling him about what I was seeing. He said he wasn't really tripping, and he seemed somewhat annoyed with me. I was enjoying myself so much that I didn't really care, and after about an hour, I asked him to weigh out another 15 mg for me. I'd smoked a few more hits of weed during this time. I drank the next dose and let the drug take effect. The visuals were getting more intense and beautiful. I was having a grand ole time. At one point, we went went outside for a smoke. Everything looked so cool! I looked at a tree, and the leaves looked like giant butterflies. I told him what I saw, and he said "Uh, yeah…I guess I can see how it would look like that." He was stone cold sober.
So, I can't remember exactly when this part started, but we were on the couch, and he started groping me- hands on my breasts, legs, rubbing between my legs. I was tripping really hard and had no interest in sex at all. I didn't respond to his touch. I also didn't tell him to stop because I was afraid it would upset him. I hoped my unresponsiveness would make him stop, but it didn't. He kept playing with me, squeezing, rubbing. I felt nothing. I went deeper into my mind, searching for a safe retreat. I looked at him, and his appearance changed. he was wearing a light pink and white striped shirt with a bow tie, and I was transported back to puberty. We were on a date, and he was trying to get me in bed. I was a prude- no fun at all. My brain was mocking me. He kept at it, and I just sat there. I said nothing, I did nothing. I had no voice. Again, I retreated into my mind.
I was transported to a beautiful, peaceful place. I was surrounded by people and love. We were all joined in consciousness, and staring at the divine. It was a huge structure, morphing into different shapes, different forms. We were in awe of its beauty and power. The people there were hugging me and crying for me. They wept for my sadness. They wept because I had never experienced the love that I was feeling from them. We all wept and held each other. I came back to the couch. He appeared to be weeping too, holding me. I know that he was not, but it was much more pleasant for me to believe that he loved me too, in that moment. I consciously created a wall between us, so that I could enjoy my trip without him interfering. It was sort of like lucid dreaming.
At some point, he led me into the bedroom. He immediately stripped off his clothes, and I remember his excited face. I couldn't let him down, but I really didn't want to do anything sexual. I wasn't the least bit interested. He took off my clothes and began having sex with me. I was in and out of reality. I imagine it was like fucking a corpse. When I would come back to reality, in bed, the whole experience was just so sad. He was inside me, trying to get off. I wasn't moving. We were completely disconnected. The room was dark and quiet. I didn't know how to handle the situation, so I just let it happen.
At some point, I asked him for some etizolam so I could sleep. 1 mg knocked me right out. The next day, I felt completely refreshed. I focused on the beautiful parts of the trip, which were absolutely mind-blowing.
It's taken me all this time to reflect on what occurred that night, and come to terms with it. I know that I have sexual trauma in my history, and now I see how I continue to re-traumatize myself. I don't have any resolution right now, but more awareness….more awareness...
I went over to my boyfriend's apartment. I say boyfriend, but he was sleeping with other women and didn't want a commitment with me. I enjoyed being with him and was holding out hope that we would get more serious. His roommate was out for the night, a rare occasion, so we had the place to ourselves to do as we pleased. At this stage in our relationship, we pretty much always got high in some form or another whenever we hung out. We had been experimenting with various RC's for a few months- he was pretty fearless, I was game, but much more apprehensive than him (I've had plenty of unpleasant drug experiences in my life, and I don't care to repeat the same mistakes if I can help it)
Anyway, we started off with some 5-MAPB, insufflated. I honestly don't remember how much I did, as using it had become so regular at the time, I just kind of did it without much thought. If I had to guess, I would say about 50 mg or so. We were just chilling on the couch, and suddenly, I had an urge to smoke weed, which is extremely odd for me- weed consistently makes me anxious as hell, and I avoid it like the plague these days…but in that moment, it seemed like a great idea. I told him that I wanted to take a hit, and how strange it was that I was craving weed without any fear. I took a couple hits, and I felt good- no anxiety. I remarked to him about how surprised I was at my lack of anxiety, and he said "Maybe you're just really comfortable with me." We sat there for a little while doing nothing.
Seeing as how peaceful I was feeling, I decided it was the right time to take a proper dose of 4-HO-MIPT. I'd been too afraid to try an active dose before this- I'd never done more that 9 or 10 mg at a time, which gave me a little extra energy and maybe some mild visuals. I asked him if he would weigh out 15 mg for me. He weighed out 30 mg, dissolved it in vodka, and we each drank half.
I'm not sure how much time passed (30 min?), but the drug began to take effect, and I was getting the most beautiful visuals I have ever seen…rainbows, everywhere, persian carpet patterns, everything looked like liquid. Objects were morphing into 3D shapes, rotating, melting into themselves. I was amazed, and telling him about what I was seeing. He said he wasn't really tripping, and he seemed somewhat annoyed with me. I was enjoying myself so much that I didn't really care, and after about an hour, I asked him to weigh out another 15 mg for me. I'd smoked a few more hits of weed during this time. I drank the next dose and let the drug take effect. The visuals were getting more intense and beautiful. I was having a grand ole time. At one point, we went went outside for a smoke. Everything looked so cool! I looked at a tree, and the leaves looked like giant butterflies. I told him what I saw, and he said "Uh, yeah…I guess I can see how it would look like that." He was stone cold sober.
So, I can't remember exactly when this part started, but we were on the couch, and he started groping me- hands on my breasts, legs, rubbing between my legs. I was tripping really hard and had no interest in sex at all. I didn't respond to his touch. I also didn't tell him to stop because I was afraid it would upset him. I hoped my unresponsiveness would make him stop, but it didn't. He kept playing with me, squeezing, rubbing. I felt nothing. I went deeper into my mind, searching for a safe retreat. I looked at him, and his appearance changed. he was wearing a light pink and white striped shirt with a bow tie, and I was transported back to puberty. We were on a date, and he was trying to get me in bed. I was a prude- no fun at all. My brain was mocking me. He kept at it, and I just sat there. I said nothing, I did nothing. I had no voice. Again, I retreated into my mind.
I was transported to a beautiful, peaceful place. I was surrounded by people and love. We were all joined in consciousness, and staring at the divine. It was a huge structure, morphing into different shapes, different forms. We were in awe of its beauty and power. The people there were hugging me and crying for me. They wept for my sadness. They wept because I had never experienced the love that I was feeling from them. We all wept and held each other. I came back to the couch. He appeared to be weeping too, holding me. I know that he was not, but it was much more pleasant for me to believe that he loved me too, in that moment. I consciously created a wall between us, so that I could enjoy my trip without him interfering. It was sort of like lucid dreaming.
At some point, he led me into the bedroom. He immediately stripped off his clothes, and I remember his excited face. I couldn't let him down, but I really didn't want to do anything sexual. I wasn't the least bit interested. He took off my clothes and began having sex with me. I was in and out of reality. I imagine it was like fucking a corpse. When I would come back to reality, in bed, the whole experience was just so sad. He was inside me, trying to get off. I wasn't moving. We were completely disconnected. The room was dark and quiet. I didn't know how to handle the situation, so I just let it happen.
At some point, I asked him for some etizolam so I could sleep. 1 mg knocked me right out. The next day, I felt completely refreshed. I focused on the beautiful parts of the trip, which were absolutely mind-blowing.
It's taken me all this time to reflect on what occurred that night, and come to terms with it. I know that I have sexual trauma in my history, and now I see how I continue to re-traumatize myself. I don't have any resolution right now, but more awareness….more awareness...
Unfortunately some of my best friends in the world have had some pretty traumatizing sexual encounters similar to this as well, so I don't mean to throw all this emotion at you either, but this is touching close to home for me....
When I read a high dose trip report and people rave about how hard they were tripping because of their colorful spirals and melting walls, my first thought is generally "What a waste of a trip!" If someone can take a huge dose of something and only get fractals, there's something a lot more repressed about them than anyone who is getting full-on hallucinations, because you should be able to open your mind up to such things even at low doses if you're really willing to. But yeah, the differences are nuts.... I was just reading 4-HO-DET reports this morning and was shocked at how many people describe it as "like psilocybin but without the dark side". For me it was by far the darkest psychedelic I've ever taken! The mind is just a wonderfully fascinating thing....
I could use some of that. And if experiencing universal consciousness on psychedelics means I have a psychotic disorder, then bring on the crazy!