SebastianSkip
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2017
- Messages
- 58
I got through 40 days then I had a relapse for about 5.
First day of relapse I told myself it was a judgment call where I chose relapse for the sake of my mental health. I’m not convinced it was a bad call. As f*d up as cigarette addiction is, a relapse didn’t have the potential to kill or land me in legal trouble the way other drug relapses might and I acknowledge the choice wouldn’t have existed had I been better prepared and acted on my mental health mini-crisis earlier.
Day two I bought nicotine gum (the lozenges were giving me unrelenting heartburn) and didn’t smoke.
Day three I felt an intense feeling of loneliness. It wasn’t even a craving for cigarettes exactly but that sense of lacking, the feeling of emptiness right in the core of my being. I knew cigarettes would artificially fill that hole.
Day four was just plain laziness.
Day five I bought a big box of nicotine gum and recommitted to quitting.
The cravings are totally different this time. I don’t constantly experience flashbacks of myself smoking, it’s easier. My mind says things like ‘why not smoke?’, ‘noting better to do’, ‘will give you something other than the loneliness you feel and you don’t really *have* anything else’. It’s sad because that reflects how I feel about myself and my life but it’s a lot better/easier than a voice telling me smoking will set my world right and solve all my problems. It’s truer to my real issues.
It’s clear that if I work on my self esteem and making my life better I’ll be more resilient, less susceptible to the whispers that tell me smoking is a great idea. It’s clear to me I’m less likely to relapse if I’m prepared for the inevitability of another mini (or dog forbid major) mental health crisis. It makes sense. I didn’t smoke around a pack a day for 26 years because smoking is totally awesome, I did it because it was a coping mechanism that I became fully addicted to and my mental health was so poor I lacked the motivation to quit and/or it felt impossible.
Side note
I quite for 40 days and as soon as I bought a pack I went right back to smoking just as much as before quitting even though I had gone through some physical withdrawals and halved my nrt. Right back, like I hadn’t missed a day.
So, I’m sending out a prayer. Because this reminded me of how vulnerable everyone quitting is, how weird addiction is, how familiar and easy it can be to return to. My prayer is for everyone quitting an addiction to be safe and find healing and self love.
First day of relapse I told myself it was a judgment call where I chose relapse for the sake of my mental health. I’m not convinced it was a bad call. As f*d up as cigarette addiction is, a relapse didn’t have the potential to kill or land me in legal trouble the way other drug relapses might and I acknowledge the choice wouldn’t have existed had I been better prepared and acted on my mental health mini-crisis earlier.
Day two I bought nicotine gum (the lozenges were giving me unrelenting heartburn) and didn’t smoke.
Day three I felt an intense feeling of loneliness. It wasn’t even a craving for cigarettes exactly but that sense of lacking, the feeling of emptiness right in the core of my being. I knew cigarettes would artificially fill that hole.
Day four was just plain laziness.
Day five I bought a big box of nicotine gum and recommitted to quitting.
The cravings are totally different this time. I don’t constantly experience flashbacks of myself smoking, it’s easier. My mind says things like ‘why not smoke?’, ‘noting better to do’, ‘will give you something other than the loneliness you feel and you don’t really *have* anything else’. It’s sad because that reflects how I feel about myself and my life but it’s a lot better/easier than a voice telling me smoking will set my world right and solve all my problems. It’s truer to my real issues.
It’s clear that if I work on my self esteem and making my life better I’ll be more resilient, less susceptible to the whispers that tell me smoking is a great idea. It’s clear to me I’m less likely to relapse if I’m prepared for the inevitability of another mini (or dog forbid major) mental health crisis. It makes sense. I didn’t smoke around a pack a day for 26 years because smoking is totally awesome, I did it because it was a coping mechanism that I became fully addicted to and my mental health was so poor I lacked the motivation to quit and/or it felt impossible.
Side note
I quite for 40 days and as soon as I bought a pack I went right back to smoking just as much as before quitting even though I had gone through some physical withdrawals and halved my nrt. Right back, like I hadn’t missed a day.
So, I’m sending out a prayer. Because this reminded me of how vulnerable everyone quitting is, how weird addiction is, how familiar and easy it can be to return to. My prayer is for everyone quitting an addiction to be safe and find healing and self love.