Recovery 4 days quitting smoking (again)

[SebastianSkip]

I got through 40 days then I had a relapse for about 5.

First day of relapse I told myself it was a judgment call where I chose relapse for the sake of my mental health. I’m not convinced it was a bad call. As f*d up as cigarette addiction is, a relapse didn’t have the potential to kill or land me in legal trouble the way other drug relapses might and I acknowledge the choice wouldn’t have existed had I been better prepared and acted on my mental health mini-crisis earlier.

Day two I bought nicotine gum (the lozenges were giving me unrelenting heartburn) and didn’t smoke.

Day three I felt an intense feeling of loneliness. It wasn’t even a craving for cigarettes exactly but that sense of lacking, the feeling of emptiness right in the core of my being. I knew cigarettes would artificially fill that hole.

Day four was just plain laziness.

Day five I bought a big box of nicotine gum and recommitted to quitting.

The cravings are totally different this time. I don’t constantly experience flashbacks of myself smoking, it’s easier. My mind says things like ‘why not smoke?’, ‘noting better to do’, ‘will give you something other than the loneliness you feel and you don’t really *have* anything else’. It’s sad because that reflects how I feel about myself and my life but it’s a lot better/easier than a voice telling me smoking will set my world right and solve all my problems. It’s truer to my real issues.

It’s clear that if I work on my self esteem and making my life better I’ll be more resilient, less susceptible to the whispers that tell me smoking is a great idea. It’s clear to me I’m less likely to relapse if I’m prepared for the inevitability of another mini (or dog forbid major) mental health crisis. It makes sense. I didn’t smoke around a pack a day for 26 years because smoking is totally awesome, I did it because it was a coping mechanism that I became fully addicted to and my mental health was so poor I lacked the motivation to quit and/or it felt impossible.



Side note
I quite for 40 days and as soon as I bought a pack I went right back to smoking just as much as before quitting even though I had gone through some physical withdrawals and halved my nrt. Right back, like I hadn’t missed a day.

So, I’m sending out a prayer. Because this reminded me of how vulnerable everyone quitting is, how weird addiction is, how familiar and easy it can be to return to. My prayer is for everyone quitting an addiction to be safe and find healing and self love.

 

[Iwantmylifeback22]

I know your struggle. Cigarettes are harder to quit than most people think. I hope you stay strong. I will pray for you and I know you can win this battle.

 

[SebastianSkip]

I hope you stay strong. I will pray for you and I know you can win this battle.

Thank you!

I know I can do this. 7 days now and I’m struggling with the heartburn related to nrt but trying to make it work. I have an intense history with mental health (been hospitalized, suicide attempts & so on) but I’ve been doing really well this past year or so. Part of that is learning to know and love myself more but it’s also because I’m going through menopause and rarely get a period (have pmdd).

I’m really worried that the stress of trying to quit without nrt will mess with my mental health too much even tho I’m pretty sure I could do it without. I’m also scared because I’ve smoked for 30 years and I’m not sure if my brain knows how to deal without the drug. The human body is pretty amazing, even in my 40s I’m confident my brain will heal I just think it’ll take a while.

To manage the heartburn & nrt issue I bought ecigs. It’s expensive but I tried the vaping device (e-liquid refill etc) route and it drove me batty. I wish I felt the enthusiasm some do to tolerate figuring it out but maybe it’s for the best I don’t have the patience. The disposables cost a lot but it’s worth it when I consider one or two months spending more against continued smoking. Except for the persistent heartburn my quit has been pretty comfortable/easy. I’m so done with smoking. If I have enough nicotine in my system I don’t even have any cravings now. I was scared away from patch after having nightmares but I might try cutting them in half, setting alarm for early am to apply and removing well before bedtime.

It’s a process.

I can do it.

Peace and love to everyone working towards or on a quit. We deserve better health, we deserve freedom from addiction. Be kind and good to yourself even if you think you don’t deserve it (everyone deserves some kindness, might as well come from oneself).

 

[Bugzelot]

Sebastian;

As mentioned under another thread I don't smoke, nor have I ever. I've never even tried it. Anyway, a friend of mine said he quit by playing a mind game. He never actually "quit" he said. He said each day when he woke he would choose not to smoke that day. Maybe reinforce that sentiment a few times during the day also he said. Get to bed time, sleep and repeat the process.

It's hard and don't beat yourself up if you relapse. Remember when abstaining from nearly anything you will relapse. That is a given. Instead of focusing on the one time, be proud that you did the forty days. If you relapse more and continue to at random times that's not even a bad thing. Nicotine addiction is no joke. I've supported people that were trying to quit and you often become a target for friendly fire. LOL It's worth it tho.

 

[tired of crap]

Cigarettes were a bitch for me to quit.
I dunno if it was a lack of will power or no real desire to quit (when I first attempted it).
Some attempts Id last a week, others a month. Others still 4 hours ha.
But I kicked em. 4 years in the spring with no cheating. Maybe a bottle toke of hash once or twice but thats it.

I feel like because the habit of cigarette smoking is so ingrained in life it is difficult to move away from it. I mean how many smokes did you smoke in a day?
For me it was about 12 or almost 1 an hour, if you assume an 8 hour sleep cycle.
Thus persistence is key.

As youre aware relapse is ok. Just recognize when it happens, remind yourself of your goal and get back on the path as soon as you can.
I never substituted with any sort of nrt because I didnt find it helped... but if you find it helps, any progress towards your goal is a step in the right direction.

Best of luck on your journey.
Keep us posted (I find journalling here or irl very beneficial as I find it helps to learn from my past).

 

[KraziKat]

Have you read Alan Carr's EasyWay to Quit Smoking book?

 

[SebastianSkip]

“He said each day when he woke he would choose not to smoke that day.”

I could definitely benefit from setting my intention for the day.

“I feel like because the habit of cigarette smoking is so ingrained in life it is difficult to move away from it”

The first couple of weeks I quit I kept having flashbacks, I could see and feel myself smoking. I heard once that habits are formed in 30 days and figured this wouldn’t last longer and it didn’t. It’s no longer a ‘habit’ but it’s still *very* familiar.

“Have you read Alan Carr's EasyWay to Quit Smoking book?”

Yea, I read the whole thing but I didn’t really like it. I couldn’t get past trying to figure out how someone could physically smoke 5 packs a day and the boasting drove me batty. I agreed with a lot of what he said about smoking I just thought it was weird that so many rave about a book when the author seemed untruthful and wrote like a snake oil salesman. To be honest, it disturbed me but so many people have said it helped them quit that I almost feel bad saying so.

Today I bought a pack and smoked. I don’t feel bad about it but I’m a little disappointed about resetting my quit date on my quit app because I like seeing the progress in stats.

I did it out of boredom and a bit of restlessness.

Until I make other changes in my life I’ll continue to be vulnerable to smoking.

I’ve stopped doing much of anything and that’s become a habit I need to break almost or maybe even as much as smoking. It’s hard to describe but I really do next to nothing and it’s a major effort to do anything. I’m isolated and practically agoraphobic. It’s not going to get better unless I start changing things, it’ll get worse and I don’t really want to know what worse is.

On the upside, I’ve been learning a lot about myself quitting and I think it’s providing me with a template for and the confidence to change other things. I know the thing about forming a habit in 30 days is true and I picked one thing I’m going to start tomorrow and make a habit.

Outside of these moments where I decide to smoke as a coping mechanism I don’t crave smoking. I do crave nicotine, if I have enough nicotine I feel no discomfort related to quitting. The 3 times I chose to smoke I was also feeling a bit bothered by the nrt. I’m pro nrt as a harm reduction tool but it ultimately will make me more vulnerable to relapse. Quitting the nrt cold turkey would be awesome, I might buy a ton of food and pretend I’m stuck on an island (it has to be an island because puppers needs his walks), an island with no cigarettes or nicotine!!!

Welp, hope everyone is having a peaceful night (or day).