I had double the dose, 20-24 mg. It was freaking intense!!
I don’t remember what really happened and most of what I can remember can’t be described with words!
I remember that it started with the embodiment of the languages I speak melting and being washed away and they become unnecessary for me to communicate with the existence itself! I was floating around existence, not the universe, but something even more abstract! Words don’t exist to describe what I saw or the state I was in, it was beyond the scope of human feelings!! I also can not remember much of this state.
Then comes the most intense moment. The ultimate depersonalization/derealization!
My memories, ego, personality, identity, and everything else was stripped away!
I was a pure awareness! I had no memories of anything, not even myself, there was no self!
It was like I was just born with an empty canvas of a mind, the experience of my senses were intense and novel!
At that state I was looking around my room and everything I saw was beautiful, the colors, the shapes, etc.
By looking at items around my room, some vague memories started appearing in my mind, it was gentle and warm, but these memories were not real, they seemed as if they were the creation of imagination. As if I saw the story behind the creation of each item I looked at! I saw a man sewing a comforter, another making a door, etc.
I didn’t recognize what I saw at the time, the concept of living beings, including humans, was not present in my mind!
What I saw would be what an alien observing humans would see. Stick figures with souls, or rather consciousness.
The perception of humans as 5 lines connected together, the body and the limbs, wasn’t even surreal, to perceive it as anything else was the surreal thing, and thus I experienced the wonderful realization of how awesome the human mind is, the power of creation! How beautiful this power is. I felt that I had the power to make my thoughts materialized! I saw how the mind put things together to create beauty! I was in a state of euphoria!
Then came the most intense part of it all. I realize the mind can create ugliness as well. After this realization… I experience the most terrifying yet amazing thing of all. The entire history of the universe came rushing into my brain! As if I was outside the universe and then I entered it! At the beginning it was just beautiful I saw the entire cosmos creating itself. I saw life on earth blossom. I saw myself as a cell evolving from one state to another more complex state.
I arrived to the state of being an ape, and it is here when my experience of my mind materializing the creation made perfect sense! From one ape to another more evolved ape with a better ability to create. Then I was a Neanderthal, and things started to get terrifying from here on. The power of creation started to cause suffering! The attachment to the material world was born within me as a Neanderthal, it was painful.
The most terrifying part was when I became human. It was different. I didn’t just evolve into a human…. I embodied the whole humanity! The whole history of humanity, all the memories, thoughts, languages, and all the knowledge that ever experienced by all humans who ever lived came rushing to my brain!!! It was the ultimate overload! I felt my brain was stretching and is going to break! I saw, and was the embodiment of, every beautiful and ugly thought ever experienced by a human being!
I was Ashoka. I was Ramesses. I was Confusious. I was Nobunaga. I was Athena. I was Einstein. I was Hitler. I was Jesus. I was Chronos. I was Mohammed. I was a slave. I was a pregnant woman. I was a gay man. I was a worker. I was a merchant. I was an tortured hostage screaming for mercy. I was a Nazi youth yelling goodbye to the Jews!
I was the embodiment of all human cultures. I had all the knowledge and all the experiences.
Then my own life came rushing into my brain so quickly. It was intense! It was the most terrifying at all!
It was terrifying because… I experienced everything I ever experienced in my life again but with a different perception of my senses. Stimulating my senses didn’t make any sense. All what I experienced in this trip prior to this point was pure awareness and pure consciousness and pure feelings. I had all the human knowledge without the use of words. Languages were unnecessary. Now I’m experiencing my own life again, the same auditory stimuli are flashing, but it was terrifying. It was as if I was deaf and blind my whole life and all of the sudden I can hear and see. I was in a state of terrifying confusion. As this was going on I started interpreting my own life, and the lives of everyone I ever met personally , in a different way. My feelings of empathy and sympathy were… divine. I saw how I was always hard on myself, more than anybody else. I felt sorry for the person I was. Then I saw the embodiment of ignorance judgement. It was a green transparent skeleton hand of a giant! It was bringing people down… people who judge others out of ignorance that is. I saw everyone I ever met in my life to be brought down by that hand and they were miserable, because of it. I didn’t have a giant hand bringing me down, but I was still miserable. I was transparent myself. There were many black skeleton hands inside of me. I started throwing them up violently. The more I throw up the more my brain feels it is going to be ripped in half. Others were looking at me… asking for help with the expression in their eyes.
I always judged myself as being useless and a nobody. It all changed when I threw up the last black skeleton hand.
At that point… I just saw how most people who look for guidance follow a misguided leader, which gives the rise of ignorance. Out of this ignorance comes the judgement of the “other”.
This was the ultimate misuse of the power of creation that our minds are capable of. We are beating ourselves down, distracting ourselves with the material world,consumerism, religion, false hopes and false promises, and then die… without ever being alive. I saw other living beings looking at the pathetic state of humans with awe coupled with feeling sorry that we don’t get it. They saw the power of creation our minds are capable of and saw what humans collectively use that power to create their own misery.
Then I saw people who spoke against that state, people who got enlightened to speak the truth. I saw how these people were treated badly or killed, these beautiful great minds which can teach others how to unlearn, deschool, or eliminate the poison and the distraction. Enlightenment is not about learning how to be enlightened, or seeing the path and walking it. It is about removing all the distractions that we humans, collectively, created and installed in every newborn. I saw myself as one of these minds, but different. I saw myself not being indoctrinated by others… but at the same time I indoctrinated myself! The green judgement hand was not suppressing me, I was suppressing myself with the black judgement hands within myself. I’m treating myself badly, and I’m the one who wants to kill myself, and that’s how I was different than the other enlightened minds, they managed to unlearn everything indoctrine introduced to them by others and be enlightened, I was never indoctrinated by others to begin with, I was my own poison. At this point everything was clear with me! My feelings of empathy and sympathy were off the charts. I felt sorry and sad for everyone I ever deemed misguided, or perhaps an idiot. I felt sorry and sad for everyone who ever treated me badly… they didn’t/don’t know better… or rather they had knowledge, but it is unnecessary and destructive one.
All of the sudden I was lying down in a void. I looked to my right and saw Mother Earth lying down beside me and smiling. She had her eyes open. She was beautiful. She kissed me and then disappeared.
My whole life flashed before me again, but this time it was even more intense, more violent, and more painful.
The trip was over. I came down and my body was shaking, very sore, so fatigued, and warm. I felt my bones broken, and my head ripped apart. I couldn’t recognize myself for a while. I then started walking around my room to shake this overwhelming sense of fear off of me. I felt so weak and in pain.
I started the trip around 10:30 am. I came down around 4:00 pm. My body was so fatigued and I was trying to comprehend all what I saw till around 12:00 am. Then I took some sleeping pills and slept for 8 hours! I usually don’t sleep that much. I woke up refreshed, feeling very good physically and mentally.
I don’t remember what really happened and most of what I can remember can’t be described with words!
I remember that it started with the embodiment of the languages I speak melting and being washed away and they become unnecessary for me to communicate with the existence itself! I was floating around existence, not the universe, but something even more abstract! Words don’t exist to describe what I saw or the state I was in, it was beyond the scope of human feelings!! I also can not remember much of this state.
Then comes the most intense moment. The ultimate depersonalization/derealization!
My memories, ego, personality, identity, and everything else was stripped away!
I was a pure awareness! I had no memories of anything, not even myself, there was no self!
It was like I was just born with an empty canvas of a mind, the experience of my senses were intense and novel!
At that state I was looking around my room and everything I saw was beautiful, the colors, the shapes, etc.
By looking at items around my room, some vague memories started appearing in my mind, it was gentle and warm, but these memories were not real, they seemed as if they were the creation of imagination. As if I saw the story behind the creation of each item I looked at! I saw a man sewing a comforter, another making a door, etc.
I didn’t recognize what I saw at the time, the concept of living beings, including humans, was not present in my mind!
What I saw would be what an alien observing humans would see. Stick figures with souls, or rather consciousness.
The perception of humans as 5 lines connected together, the body and the limbs, wasn’t even surreal, to perceive it as anything else was the surreal thing, and thus I experienced the wonderful realization of how awesome the human mind is, the power of creation! How beautiful this power is. I felt that I had the power to make my thoughts materialized! I saw how the mind put things together to create beauty! I was in a state of euphoria!
Then came the most intense part of it all. I realize the mind can create ugliness as well. After this realization… I experience the most terrifying yet amazing thing of all. The entire history of the universe came rushing into my brain! As if I was outside the universe and then I entered it! At the beginning it was just beautiful I saw the entire cosmos creating itself. I saw life on earth blossom. I saw myself as a cell evolving from one state to another more complex state.
I arrived to the state of being an ape, and it is here when my experience of my mind materializing the creation made perfect sense! From one ape to another more evolved ape with a better ability to create. Then I was a Neanderthal, and things started to get terrifying from here on. The power of creation started to cause suffering! The attachment to the material world was born within me as a Neanderthal, it was painful.
The most terrifying part was when I became human. It was different. I didn’t just evolve into a human…. I embodied the whole humanity! The whole history of humanity, all the memories, thoughts, languages, and all the knowledge that ever experienced by all humans who ever lived came rushing to my brain!!! It was the ultimate overload! I felt my brain was stretching and is going to break! I saw, and was the embodiment of, every beautiful and ugly thought ever experienced by a human being!
I was Ashoka. I was Ramesses. I was Confusious. I was Nobunaga. I was Athena. I was Einstein. I was Hitler. I was Jesus. I was Chronos. I was Mohammed. I was a slave. I was a pregnant woman. I was a gay man. I was a worker. I was a merchant. I was an tortured hostage screaming for mercy. I was a Nazi youth yelling goodbye to the Jews!
I was the embodiment of all human cultures. I had all the knowledge and all the experiences.
Then my own life came rushing into my brain so quickly. It was intense! It was the most terrifying at all!
It was terrifying because… I experienced everything I ever experienced in my life again but with a different perception of my senses. Stimulating my senses didn’t make any sense. All what I experienced in this trip prior to this point was pure awareness and pure consciousness and pure feelings. I had all the human knowledge without the use of words. Languages were unnecessary. Now I’m experiencing my own life again, the same auditory stimuli are flashing, but it was terrifying. It was as if I was deaf and blind my whole life and all of the sudden I can hear and see. I was in a state of terrifying confusion. As this was going on I started interpreting my own life, and the lives of everyone I ever met personally , in a different way. My feelings of empathy and sympathy were… divine. I saw how I was always hard on myself, more than anybody else. I felt sorry for the person I was. Then I saw the embodiment of ignorance judgement. It was a green transparent skeleton hand of a giant! It was bringing people down… people who judge others out of ignorance that is. I saw everyone I ever met in my life to be brought down by that hand and they were miserable, because of it. I didn’t have a giant hand bringing me down, but I was still miserable. I was transparent myself. There were many black skeleton hands inside of me. I started throwing them up violently. The more I throw up the more my brain feels it is going to be ripped in half. Others were looking at me… asking for help with the expression in their eyes.
I always judged myself as being useless and a nobody. It all changed when I threw up the last black skeleton hand.
At that point… I just saw how most people who look for guidance follow a misguided leader, which gives the rise of ignorance. Out of this ignorance comes the judgement of the “other”.
This was the ultimate misuse of the power of creation that our minds are capable of. We are beating ourselves down, distracting ourselves with the material world,consumerism, religion, false hopes and false promises, and then die… without ever being alive. I saw other living beings looking at the pathetic state of humans with awe coupled with feeling sorry that we don’t get it. They saw the power of creation our minds are capable of and saw what humans collectively use that power to create their own misery.
Then I saw people who spoke against that state, people who got enlightened to speak the truth. I saw how these people were treated badly or killed, these beautiful great minds which can teach others how to unlearn, deschool, or eliminate the poison and the distraction. Enlightenment is not about learning how to be enlightened, or seeing the path and walking it. It is about removing all the distractions that we humans, collectively, created and installed in every newborn. I saw myself as one of these minds, but different. I saw myself not being indoctrinated by others… but at the same time I indoctrinated myself! The green judgement hand was not suppressing me, I was suppressing myself with the black judgement hands within myself. I’m treating myself badly, and I’m the one who wants to kill myself, and that’s how I was different than the other enlightened minds, they managed to unlearn everything indoctrine introduced to them by others and be enlightened, I was never indoctrinated by others to begin with, I was my own poison. At this point everything was clear with me! My feelings of empathy and sympathy were off the charts. I felt sorry and sad for everyone I ever deemed misguided, or perhaps an idiot. I felt sorry and sad for everyone who ever treated me badly… they didn’t/don’t know better… or rather they had knowledge, but it is unnecessary and destructive one.
All of the sudden I was lying down in a void. I looked to my right and saw Mother Earth lying down beside me and smiling. She had her eyes open. She was beautiful. She kissed me and then disappeared.
My whole life flashed before me again, but this time it was even more intense, more violent, and more painful.
The trip was over. I came down and my body was shaking, very sore, so fatigued, and warm. I felt my bones broken, and my head ripped apart. I couldn’t recognize myself for a while. I then started walking around my room to shake this overwhelming sense of fear off of me. I felt so weak and in pain.
I started the trip around 10:30 am. I came down around 4:00 pm. My body was so fatigued and I was trying to comprehend all what I saw till around 12:00 am. Then I took some sleeping pills and slept for 8 hours! I usually don’t sleep that much. I woke up refreshed, feeling very good physically and mentally.
