EverVigilant
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2011
- Messages
- 3
I am writing this because I don't know what else to do with my life. Yesterday I had a mind-blowing trip on 19mg +/- 3mg 4-aco-dmt. Rather than sending me to the stars, it showed me that I was already up there illegitimately and sent me crashing down to earth. I speak from the remains of a shattered ego.
I don't even really know how to communicate this. Words do not suffice. Properly describing it in standard prose would require an enormous essay. But I think I can shorten it by using religious metaphors.
Most of what follows in the next paragraph or two is metaphors. If something literal happened, I will specify.
4-aco-dmt was the apple of the Tree of Knowledge. Desiring to have godlike knowledge, I ate the apple. I then heard the voice of God. He shouted at me, explaining in exacting detail what a worthless wretch I am, how inflated my pride is and how little I actually contribute to society. He showed me that I had no friends, nobody truly cared about me, and who the HELL am I to think I'm superior to all these people because of my thirst for knowledge? I (literally) fell on the floor weeping. It was, without hyperbole, the greatest sadness I've ever experienced in my 27 and a half years of life. I literally howled at the top of my lungs and bawled my eyes out. I was struck down for my pride, and kicked out of the Garden.
After a few minutes of this, I was out of energy and out of tears, just lying on the ground. I said to myself, or something said to me, "Pick yourself up, you wretched animal." I was supposed to drive about 2 hours to help a friend move later that day. I was going to wait, but I decided I may as well get going. Before I took the stuff, I was a bit annoyed that this would take up my day. Now, my attitude was "Who am I to want anything for myself?" The resentment toward my friend was gone. I picked myself up, got my stuff together, and left.
On the drive, the synchronicities started with the odometer and the clock. Before getting on the highway, I was behind somebody with a Jesus fish on the back of his car. I remembered what I had learned as a kid being educated Catholic, that the second of the two major laws was "Love your neighbor as yourself." I decided that since I was a completely, utterly worthless sack of flesh, I might as well devote my life to helping others out as cheerfully as I could. I began reflecting on the various philosophical and religious doctrines I've read, and in particular some of the more esoteric and Gnostic interpretations of Jesus. I actually saw the cold logic of it. If one is no longer capable of being satisfied by self-indulgence, and in fact feels ashamed of one's selfishness, the only way out of that shame is to direct your conscious action toward helping others. And once you have that direction, the path is simple and easy: do something helpful, then when you're done, find somebody else in need whom you can help. Just keep doing that, and live your whole life that way. I saw this as the way out, a way that eliminates all fears. The only way I could live with my wretchedness.
As I pondered over all this, I was listening to some classical music (Richard Wagner). At the exact moment that all this "hit" me, my odometer read a 5-digit palindrome, and the music hit a climax. There were smaller synchronicites almost every time I had an insight, for the whole two-hour drive.
While at my friend's place, I worked almost mechanically, just doing my best to help, without really feeling much of anything. I was actually quite productive, but didn't let myself enjoy that fact.
Drove home, played an unsatisfying computer game briefly, and went to bed.
Got up this morning, determined to live this new "born-again-ish" lifestyle. Started looking for things I can do that are productive. Of course, I don't really know anybody and don't really know who I can help. I had some old clothes that don't fit me and had been meaning to donate, so I went and did that. The whole time I was craving a cigarette. I used to chain smoke, but quit but have been doing one cigarette about once every day or two. I had this war in my mind. "One every day or two really isn't the worst thing you can do" vs. "How is this living a life of helping others? It is pure self-indulgence." I finally decided to do it, but not without a thorough berating from my conscience, re-affirming what a wretched waste of space I am that I couldn't even keep myself from having a cigarette.
Went out to pick up a pack. On the way out to my car, I stepped in dog poop and didn't realize it until I smelled it in my car on the road. I took this as a further synchronicity, further evidence from Providence as to exactly where I stand. I started to feel "abused by God", sort of like Job, but not as self-controlled as Job. Had my cigarette, then went out to Target because I needed a couple things. During that trip, I actually felt more empathic than usual toward the other people. I looked at their faces, and read their expressions. Many were sad, annoyed, frustrated. Some were happier. For the first time in the whole ordeal I felt somewhat good, like I wasn't alone. There are a lot of people just as wretched as I am. It reminded me of Thoreau's quote "The mass of men lead lives of quite desperation."
Came home, and realized my loneliness yet again. Decided to go on instant messenger, even though all my conversations are inane and pointless. Then decided to type this. In the middle of it a co-worker IMed me asking if I wanted to play a game of League of Legends. I said sure. I spent the whole game not caring, knowing quite acutely that playing games is a complete waste of time. We must be the change we want to see in the world. I was not doing my part.
Was relieved when our team was getting beaten badly and agreed to surrender, so I could go back to typing this.
Now that I'm done, I've got to go post it. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself next. I pray for more opportunities to help people. I probably just need to go out and look for them. I kind of want another cigarette.
Thanks for reading.
I don't even really know how to communicate this. Words do not suffice. Properly describing it in standard prose would require an enormous essay. But I think I can shorten it by using religious metaphors.
Most of what follows in the next paragraph or two is metaphors. If something literal happened, I will specify.
4-aco-dmt was the apple of the Tree of Knowledge. Desiring to have godlike knowledge, I ate the apple. I then heard the voice of God. He shouted at me, explaining in exacting detail what a worthless wretch I am, how inflated my pride is and how little I actually contribute to society. He showed me that I had no friends, nobody truly cared about me, and who the HELL am I to think I'm superior to all these people because of my thirst for knowledge? I (literally) fell on the floor weeping. It was, without hyperbole, the greatest sadness I've ever experienced in my 27 and a half years of life. I literally howled at the top of my lungs and bawled my eyes out. I was struck down for my pride, and kicked out of the Garden.
After a few minutes of this, I was out of energy and out of tears, just lying on the ground. I said to myself, or something said to me, "Pick yourself up, you wretched animal." I was supposed to drive about 2 hours to help a friend move later that day. I was going to wait, but I decided I may as well get going. Before I took the stuff, I was a bit annoyed that this would take up my day. Now, my attitude was "Who am I to want anything for myself?" The resentment toward my friend was gone. I picked myself up, got my stuff together, and left.
On the drive, the synchronicities started with the odometer and the clock. Before getting on the highway, I was behind somebody with a Jesus fish on the back of his car. I remembered what I had learned as a kid being educated Catholic, that the second of the two major laws was "Love your neighbor as yourself." I decided that since I was a completely, utterly worthless sack of flesh, I might as well devote my life to helping others out as cheerfully as I could. I began reflecting on the various philosophical and religious doctrines I've read, and in particular some of the more esoteric and Gnostic interpretations of Jesus. I actually saw the cold logic of it. If one is no longer capable of being satisfied by self-indulgence, and in fact feels ashamed of one's selfishness, the only way out of that shame is to direct your conscious action toward helping others. And once you have that direction, the path is simple and easy: do something helpful, then when you're done, find somebody else in need whom you can help. Just keep doing that, and live your whole life that way. I saw this as the way out, a way that eliminates all fears. The only way I could live with my wretchedness.
As I pondered over all this, I was listening to some classical music (Richard Wagner). At the exact moment that all this "hit" me, my odometer read a 5-digit palindrome, and the music hit a climax. There were smaller synchronicites almost every time I had an insight, for the whole two-hour drive.
While at my friend's place, I worked almost mechanically, just doing my best to help, without really feeling much of anything. I was actually quite productive, but didn't let myself enjoy that fact.
Drove home, played an unsatisfying computer game briefly, and went to bed.
Got up this morning, determined to live this new "born-again-ish" lifestyle. Started looking for things I can do that are productive. Of course, I don't really know anybody and don't really know who I can help. I had some old clothes that don't fit me and had been meaning to donate, so I went and did that. The whole time I was craving a cigarette. I used to chain smoke, but quit but have been doing one cigarette about once every day or two. I had this war in my mind. "One every day or two really isn't the worst thing you can do" vs. "How is this living a life of helping others? It is pure self-indulgence." I finally decided to do it, but not without a thorough berating from my conscience, re-affirming what a wretched waste of space I am that I couldn't even keep myself from having a cigarette.
Went out to pick up a pack. On the way out to my car, I stepped in dog poop and didn't realize it until I smelled it in my car on the road. I took this as a further synchronicity, further evidence from Providence as to exactly where I stand. I started to feel "abused by God", sort of like Job, but not as self-controlled as Job. Had my cigarette, then went out to Target because I needed a couple things. During that trip, I actually felt more empathic than usual toward the other people. I looked at their faces, and read their expressions. Many were sad, annoyed, frustrated. Some were happier. For the first time in the whole ordeal I felt somewhat good, like I wasn't alone. There are a lot of people just as wretched as I am. It reminded me of Thoreau's quote "The mass of men lead lives of quite desperation."
Came home, and realized my loneliness yet again. Decided to go on instant messenger, even though all my conversations are inane and pointless. Then decided to type this. In the middle of it a co-worker IMed me asking if I wanted to play a game of League of Legends. I said sure. I spent the whole game not caring, knowing quite acutely that playing games is a complete waste of time. We must be the change we want to see in the world. I was not doing my part.
Was relieved when our team was getting beaten badly and agreed to surrender, so I could go back to typing this.
Now that I'm done, I've got to go post it. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself next. I pray for more opportunities to help people. I probably just need to go out and look for them. I kind of want another cigarette.
Thanks for reading.
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