4:10 AM on 4/10 Its my B Day and I relapsed...

You know the irony of the situation I come to find myself in is that I personally watched my mother spiral downwards and repeatedly bottom out in life because of her Methamphetamine addiction. A direct result was 10 yrs of foster care for me, a distinct feeling of inadequacy, the development of thought processes and patterns that were subconsciously justified in my own mind due to my mother's repeated abandonment of me, instead preferring to pursue her addiction. I find that ten years of foster care several more years as a child living under the shadow of Methamphetamine and all the issues, trials, pain and suffering I endured as a direct result of my mother's addiction to Methamphetamine, ultimately instead of deterring me from drug use it subconsciously drove me to seek out drugs in order to find emotional release, and in a grander regard allow me to understand the root of my mother's addiction that not only so negatively affected my life in countless but directly drove me to delve into the same substance, to find that I know do understand her past struggle, and I know find myself struggling with the very same addiction that destroyed my family repeatedly and caused immeasurable heartache in myself, my mother and family as a whole. It's 4:10 in the morning on 4/10 and I'm here to say I relapsed after 17 days and find myself dreading that I may have truly found something in life that I cannot overcome single handedly with my willpower alone, that I may truly be bested and addicted to he drug that ruined my childhood, the drug that I swore a vow to myself to never use a vow which I broke, and above all my fears and potential problems/issues/ramifications that arise from using it I find once I am high again that it becomes a second rate concern of mine. I love Methamphetamine, its 4:10 AM on 4/10, my birthday, smoking up, happy as can be, feeling my inhibition amd sanity slip from my grasp... And the most terrifying part of this situation is I know that I care abot whatbis ping on but my mind that finds itself addicted to this drug which must be a.majority of it tells me everything will be ok and that life is better now that I am using again. Here I am alone, no family, no true friends, my lover living far from me for now sleeping unaware that I am on the verge of giving into my addiction and losing any care for life beyond that. I'm high and I can see this. Why I ask is it not enough to keep me sober when I truly am capable of avoiding this situation and running away. Instead I find myself continuing no matter what I have to lose. I'm in love with a drug that I hate... It's my birthday, I'm spun, happy, and I just lost my hardest fight to beat Methamphetamine. I wonder if GOD and her together will give me te strength and will to walk away from it for good. Do I truly have the will, the courage, the strength and lastly and most importantly the true desire to give it up or am I destined for a habit that may destroy my life and drive away the one person left in my life who loves me unconditionally and regardless of her own issues and doubts always puts total faith in me even after our past nightmare rollercoaster ride of a relationship. I sit here ranting, and complaining. Yet I love how i feel and want nothing less. I'm at a crossroads and frankly to most whether they be clean or using it seems obvious which path will be best to choose and will lead me to lasting happiness, and I know which one will as well... God... I really think I might be addicted... and well... even high as fuck the realization of that completely scares the fucking shit outta me... I've reached a pivotal point in my life and know it... The choices I make now will affect the rest of my life. What do I do???

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